The War Within

the rest of my life

2011-10-11T01:01:00.002-05:00

when i was small someone put me in a hole. she said "when you have to go out, pretend you are normal but always remember where you belong. crawl down there and stay or else."she needn't threaten. i did not know how to get out. i still don't.

FU

2011-05-17T21:22:00.004-05:00

#1:#2:#3:

JAR

2011-04-24T18:14:00.005-05:00

My friend drove off the other day,Now he's gone and all they say,Is you got to live 'cause life goes on...But now I see I'm mortal, too,I can't live my life like you,Got to live it up, while life goes on.And I think that it's all right,That I do what I like,'Cause that's the way I want to live.it's how I give, and I'm still givin'...And now I wonder 'bout my friend,If he gave all he could give,'

Still Nothing

2010-12-29T18:58:00.005-06:00

In a year from now I will turn forty. I never thought I would live this long and I'm not even sure it's quite true. My body says it is so. It seems like if I am really this old then I should be in a different position from where I am. For example, I would think that I would be in my own home with my own family and friends with a nice retirement fund to ease me into old age. Instead, I am

Economy-Sized Dreams of Hope

2010-12-26T18:52:00.002-06:00

I Can Teach You In Three

2010-12-17T19:10:00.000-06:00

How I Feel About Your Car

2010-11-15T21:54:00.003-06:00

A short while back, I began to notice emotional reactions I have to certain vehicles. The Toyota Camry gives me the creeps and I want to take a bat to the Nissan Maxima. Some automobiles bring out feelings of rage while others bring me to tears. It was not long before I associated my extreme emotions to those people I know who own similar cars. Many times I did not even realize I was angry at

I Hate You Autumn

2010-09-27T20:06:00.002-05:00

Underneath

2010-09-26T22:03:00.004-05:00

It seems like such a simple thing -- to meet up with an old friend for lunch. It would require a few hours on the road to meet half-way and I keep committing myself to it only to make up an excuse and cancel. Tonight, this particular friend, who happens to be fairly up-front about such matters, informed me that he will no longer try to get in touch with me if I do not return this -- his

Halo Geekery

2010-09-13T23:21:00.003-05:00

I've been in this line for almost an hour with a little over an hour left. I'm getting too old for this. When I get home I'll pop it into the XBox -- telling myself that I'll only take a peek at it. Hours later, it will be time for work but ... I planned ahead. When I got home from work today I logged back in and bled out my eyes until 9:30pm to finish the metrics analysis due EOB tomorrow.

Hope & Light

2010-09-11T09:22:00.001-05:00

Without a home A heart of stone Lies bleeding

Fear Of People

2010-09-05T09:16:00.002-05:00

Lately, people scare me more than usual and I generally go out of my way to avoid them. I don't even like sending email because I know it's most likely going to be received by someone. The most minimal interactions seem to drain me of most my energy. Thus far, I've avoided most people this holiday weekend. Yet despite my reclusiveness, I do get lonely. Sometime the loneliness gets so sad

Deliver Hope

2010-08-28T23:01:00.005-05:00

Racing to deliver a devastating blow to the enemy forces, while keeping Humanity safe a little longer, a soldier is unexpectedly blasted into the ground. Her comrade comes to the rescue to take the device and successfully destroys the enemy ship -- taking himself with it :

Talk Is Cheap And Lies Are Expensive And The Shit's So Deep I Can't Turn Around

2010-08-23T20:40:00.002-05:00

I got no beliefs. But I believe I'm a walking contradiction and I ain't got no rights.

Let My Mind Rest For Good

2010-08-22T23:14:00.002-05:00

I can't sleep. I took my 6pm Seroquel then my 8pm double- Seroquel along with everything else. Exhausted, but still nothing , I tried the Klonopin. Just now, the Ambien. I get so wound up that I doubt that even a horse tranquilizer would take me down. Any other time and the 6pm dose alone would knock me out. Today I tried to order a chicken sandwich but became so confused and disoriented

Communication Retardation

2010-08-17T22:11:00.003-05:00

I failed again. I can't explain myself properly even when I know exactly what I need. It seems all I can do is point and yell "THAT WAY !!!"

Bleeding Out

2010-08-16T22:28:00.002-05:00

By the time i'd reached the office, I was profusely bleeding out emotions. I had told them that they could do it. I wanted any morsel of relief possible. I'd had chest pain, stomachache, dizziness, and vomiting throughout the day so whatever it took then I would do -- even if it meant free-falling to the bottom of my darkness. But I failed them again and am now paying the price. But it was

Just Press Enter

2010-08-03T21:24:00.003-05:00

I slam my eyes tight, grind down my jaw, press the 'Enter' key, and wait for the explosion. It's true, there has never been an outburst here but this is how paranoid I've become since starting the new job despite the fact that my broken self-confidence surely only increases the likelihood of more unemployment. Preferring to be invisible, a ripple of pain skids through my stomach whenever I have

thirteen years ago today

2010-08-02T21:15:00.005-05:00

"... And in the darkest night ...... if mY memory serves You/mE right ...... i will not turn back time ...... forgetting yOu ...... but not the time ... " *

Update From The Trenches

2010-07-09T07:24:00.002-05:00

Not much new here. Still attending the aftercare program as well as participating in therapy while trying to hold down a job all at the same time. There is some resemblance to my normality but I'm not sure if that is good or bad.

2010-06-02T20:38:00.002-05:00

The Underbelly Stacks Up Ten High ...

2010-05-16T16:19:00.002-05:00

"... The dummy failed the crash test Collecting unemployment checks Like a flunkie along for the ride"*After having been unemployed for five months, tomorrow I start my second week on a new job.Out of the almost one-hundred resumes that I sent out, this is the only job offer I received. I got the job just in time too -- another month and I would have used all my savings and would fall short on

2010-05-14T21:55:00.002-05:00

And she said "I can't take this placeI'm leaving it behind"Well she said "I can't take this townI'm leaving you tonight"It's not over 'till you're undergroundIt's not over before it's too lateThis city's burnin'It's not my burdenIt's not over before it's too late *

2010-04-26T22:00:00.002-05:00

Giving Voice To The Masses

2010-04-20T23:20:00.006-05:00

Congratulations and special thanks to Green Day and the Broadway cast of "American Idiot" for a successful opening night. Thus far, the reviews look great and, from someone who had the honor of attending the pre-season opening, I think a Tony is inevitable.

Why Have You Forsaken Me?

2010-04-02T21:10:00.002-05:00

Update From The Trenches

2010-03-28T22:23:00.003-05:00

Sometime in mid-January I woke up one morning realizing that I had not worked in over a month, had no income, and would need to pay rent. I panicked and started applying for jobs. Sometime in mid- to late- February, I woke up one morning realizing that my mother is dead and I will never see her again. I panicked and the hysterical knee-dropping crying spells began. Now, near the end of March I

Party Of One Shallow-Beating Heart

2010-02-21T18:21:00.004-06:00

Green Day: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

No Struts

2010-02-20T23:22:00.007-06:00

Tonight I received a phone call from a couple of girls from grade/high school. They had recently added me to Facebook and thought they would phone to catch up and ask me to come down to visit. Last I had heard, they were married with children but now both of them are lesbians with girlfriends -- quite a feat coming from a small bible town.They seemed quite happy but could have just been drunk.

My Slothful Self

2010-02-20T11:55:00.002-06:00

I've tried to keep some sort of structure during my time of unemployment. I get up, answer emails while sitting next to my light box and sipping "coffay." After, I proceed onto the library or bookstore and spend a painful hour reading the same Microsoft exam questions over and over again because I have trouble concentrating. Then, during the afternoon I usually have a task of some sort

Deabilification Of Akathisia (or Chemical Torture)

2010-02-12T22:21:00.001-06:00

"Akathisia is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless ... The condition is difficult for the patient to describe and is often misdiagnosed ... more antipsychotic neuroleptics may be prescribed, potentially worsening the symptoms. High-functioning patients have described the feeling as a

On Broadway

2010-02-07T15:32:00.005-06:00

Green Day's American Idiot Broadway Casthttp://www.americanidiotonbroadway.com

Two Months

2010-02-03T20:51:00.004-06:00

As of today, I've been unemployed for two months and I'm not feeling any urge to go back. I suspect not wanting to go back to work is not unusual. It is the depression that concerns me. Will I ever be able to work again? Will I be able to focus? If so, can I control my anger? I can't just start throwing objects at random. What will happen to me if I can't work? It doesn't look as if

Out

2010-01-28T18:12:00.004-06:00

He stood at the end of the couch refusing to go to sleep. With his dark hair lounging in front of his eyes, he insisted on more XBOX time before bed. Since he always wears red and blue, I wondered where he got those khaki shorts but knew now was not the time to ask. I kindly informed him that now is time for sleep and time for XBOX is tomorrow. This sent him into a screaming tantrum and he

A System of Glands

2010-01-26T17:50:00.004-06:00

I cannot count how many months it has been that doctors have argued over my thyroid and what to do with it. One says it's fine the other says it is low ... or maybe high ... I can't keep track anymore. The truth is that no one really knows how our endocrine system works. To give you a little history of testing thyroid levels, a few years back the American Association of Clinical

None Were Ever There

2010-01-25T19:04:00.003-06:00

A heart, so full of longing, bleedsA heart, with no one to turn to, needsBig eyes, desperate to seek, turn to lookBig eyes, set upon me, forlorn and forsookBattered soul, ripped and shredded, left to rotBattered soul, threads of loss, weakened and shotMy dejected hand, weathered and gaunt, reaches inMy dejected hand, barren, finds nothing left but skin.

The Last $50

2010-01-22T15:11:00.004-06:00

Not being able to spend it, in the past I would have given the bill to my then-husband and he would use it for whatever was needed. It felt better that way. My parents periodically sent money and I felt, since I was estranged, that I had no right to it. Also, I just didn't want to deal with it. However, now the husband is gone and so is the mother yet there was another $50 bill in a

2010-01-21T22:07:00.001-06:00

Desperate plans make sense in a low life

One Who Doesn't Care Is One Who Shouldn't Be

2010-01-20T21:26:00.004-06:00

Today a nurse at my doctor's office became irritated with me while I was requesting lab results. They've been patient with me over the past couple of years but I supposed it is aggravating with me continually asking all the questions I ask. I keep pursuing a firm resolution. I prefer not to spend the rest of my life either suffering or just biding my time."Yes, we understand the impact of

Dirt

2010-01-19T19:19:00.006-06:00

"I have never felt such frustration Or lack of self control I want you to kill me And dig me under ... ... I want you to scrape me from the walls And go crazy like you've made me ... You use your talent to dig me under And cover me with dirt One who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be I've tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me " **Dirt, Alice In Chains

Witchery?

2010-01-15T15:12:00.001-06:00

There may as well be a box of bones in my living room. I am so nervous having it in there. Yesterday, I received a box of funeral paraphernalia from my sister. After I opened it, all I could do was sit on the floor and let strange moaning sounds come from my throat. I have not been able to look through the box or really investigate it.I'm not sure why it was so important that she send it ASAP

Foggy Cracks

2010-01-12T18:09:00.003-06:00

Since I am an unemployed person who needs structure, I came up with a set of activities that I needed to get done today. However, it took me three hours to get dressed and out the door. Then, when I arrived at my destination, I realized I had forgotten my wallet so that I had to go back home anyway. It was easier going to day treatment because not much was expected of me. I could be unkempt,

December Melting -- Day 40: Nothing Left

2010-01-11T22:05:00.003-06:00

1.11.10Her: "You're insurance doesn't want to pay anymore so you're outta here today."Me: "Huh?"Her: "Here is a list of resources that might help you and I need you to sign off on your treatment plan."Me: "Treatment?" (Disability has not been applied for ... I have no job ... I am severely depressed with little money ... having lived 'facilitated' for forty days now ... :: I go home take the

December Melting -- Day 38: No Comfort Here

2010-01-09T23:04:00.004-06:00

01.09.10I'm waiting for the Ambien to kick in. I don't take it so much since it causes me to lose time if taken more than a few nights but at this point I can't see why it matters.With the constant movement of my legs or fingers, I can't be still for very long. On Monday, I'll be entering the third week of IOP (intensive outpatient treatment). People usually get 6-10 days of IOP but I am still

December Melting -- Day 14: Raging

2010-01-03T21:20:00.004-06:00

12.16.09Today was my first day in "intensive outpatient treatment." Being as all they seem to talk about are vague generalities, I do not understand the "intensive" portion of the treatment. My guess is that this is baby-sitting for me. Since I have no job and no therapist here, they are concerned with me suddenly having no structure to my day. This is a valid concern. I do not do well

December Melting -- Day 13: Cycling

2010-01-01T22:25:00.005-06:00

12.15.09Her funeral was today. Yesterday there was to be a simple graveside service but the family went against her wishes and had a full funeral. As my sister mentioned in her phone call, over 200 people allegedly attended.I, of course, did not attend. Instead, I remain in this locked hospital unit rapidly cycling through past and present rage, grief, and panic. I go in the Quiet Room, I

December Melting -- Day 10: Her Passing

2009-12-26T10:38:00.006-06:00

12.12.09After over a week in the unit, I did a quick check of my voicemail and discovered a message from my sister. My mother had died. My presence was requested ASAP but I was behind locked doors. At first I panicked and then I went numb. I was grateful for the Seroquel ... and anything else they give me.Did she know what I had done? Her body is in a morgue somewhere. Is she watching me

Happy Holiday To All

2009-12-25T07:49:00.002-06:00

December Melting -- Day 9: Something Broken

2009-12-24T18:22:00.002-06:00

12.11.09The days are blurring together now into a mix of depression and agitation. I woke up tearful today and realized that this would have been my last day on my job before it would be outsourced overseas. I don't think I realized the pressure this pending loss had been weighing on me but I know now that I never want to be in such an unstable situation again. Something broke in me last week and

December Melting -- Day 6: The Crack In The Clouds

2009-12-23T20:01:00.001-06:00

12.8.09The clumsy clouds collide at the window sill. I find some comfort in just staring. The prequel to this whole saga had been months of being unable to sleep in my bed because of the first part -- I kept experiencing large hands grab my small feet and begin to drag me out of bed; then, BLANK. That's it.I try to go to sleep. The hands. My body shoots out of bed. Eventually, I just

December Melting -- Day 5: The Effect Of People

2009-12-22T18:13:00.001-06:00

12.7.09 (am)I've hurt people by doing this. It seems like I hurt people allot. For those who have helped to keep me together for so long, I assume it must be discouraging that I can't seem to manage myself better. I can't live without a therapist and I can't live without having such a figure applying glue on a regular basis. I don't know what to do.12.7.09 (pm)With the haziness of drugs in

December Melting -- Day 4: Lost Days

2009-12-21T16:55:00.005-06:00

12.6.09It seems that I must have ONLY laid in bed for a couple of hours but I also know that something is not right because these strangers around me keep calling this day Saturday but that would mean that Friday and Saturday are missing. I only remember Thursday. There is a bright yellow "Fall Risk" on my arm and I am to stay in bed. It seems I may have lost two days of my life and that my

December Melting -- Day 3: Near Death

2009-12-20T20:53:00.006-06:00

12.5.09I swear I don't remember but found it (in my handwriting) on a piece of paper:"A lady from another floor came to take me to a room. I do not know why. Her words were so alarming that I could not pay attention. She said that she could see 'it' in me and that 'it' is important for me to carry on. After reiterating her own experiences, she went on to explain the steps to her recovery: '

December Melting -- Day 1: The Initial Break

2009-12-19T09:02:00.004-06:00

12.3.09"It felt like a gun." My phone, my books, my glassware -- all shooting the fireplace. To avoid harming the cats, I tried to redirect myself to boxes in the garage with no success. Something in my psyche had broken. I downed a bottle of benzodiazapines and started in on the heart medicine with the intent to stop my heart and to stop this craziness.Oddly enough, I proceeded to arrange

Nocturnal Chatterings #25

2009-12-02T23:41:00.005-06:00

-- i'm so afraid that i think i might be close to terrified. ++ you've had a long day-- i can't remember when i last slept in my own bed++ then perhaps you should do something about that-- i'm past the point of dealing with it. my blood pressure is so high tonight. angina, tachy ... makes me dizzy hot and sweaty when i stand up. i'm terrified at the thought of how i will cope if i have

2009-12-01T18:08:00.005-06:00

My Family Psychosis Debuts on Facebook

2009-11-29T19:02:00.007-06:00

So a few months ago I started debating as whether or not to add people from my past to my Facebook account. Plowing further ahead, I added a few; however, somewhere in the process I ended up with three family members. First, there was my nephew -- easy add. Second, was Sister #1 -- ok, possibly easy enough to add. Third, and most recently, my belligerent niece requested an add -- um ... this

Finito

2009-11-28T00:24:00.003-06:00

I once had a Pachebel dreamWhere though the night outside was coldThe table inside was set and warmIn our thick cabled sweatersWe gathered around glowing candlesWhile Canon In D was deep in our eyesNo need for hope, we had all we neededMost certainly no ordinary people,We were adagio and vivaceNow dissipated and diminished to silence,The dream went away with the peopleWho never really were to

Passenger or Passengers

2009-11-22T20:49:00.004-06:00

“There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.”*All the passengers in my head yell and scream. Rare is control. Struggling to get upright again before I am knocked back down. Crash, apply band-aid, repeat. I hate you. There are pills for you so I sleep on the couch. No one wants to help you. Damn bed. Sad bed. Horrific bed. Abandoned bed. Everyone is gone but you.

PassageWays

2009-11-20T20:00:00.007-06:00

If you had the right things to saythen would you say them?If you had the right things to hearthen would you hear them?If you had the right things to seethen would you see them?If you had the right things to knowthen would you know me?Or would you take away any chance I have to view myselfto hear myselfto see myselfandto know myself ?

Passages

2009-11-18T21:56:00.004-06:00

Around 3am I woke myself up with my yelling and then quickly scanned the couch for snakes. This hasn't happened for a while.I've been spending allot of nights on the couch. When bedtime comes I suddenly seem short on time and long on things that have to be done immediately. I haven't been bothering with sleep meds either. Bed seems impossible so tricking myself into sleeping on the couch is

Human Resources

2009-11-17T23:48:00.002-06:00

11/09/2009 : 2PMPlacement Firm Manager (PFM): Your interview with "Company B" went well but they decided to go with a different skillset.Me: Ok, thanks.11/10/2009 : 10:15AMPFM: Good news, "Company B" is interested in you for another position and would like to proceed with the next round of interviews after all."Me: Great, thanks.11/17/2009 : 1PMPFM: Looks like you got positive reviews from

My Not-Last-Day At Work

2009-11-14T21:45:00.003-06:00

Manager: Well, today is your last day, huh? I'd like to thank you for the help you have provided us during this difficult situation. Me: You're welcome.Manager: Actually, we'd like you to stay on a few more days to help us out if you can.::: negotiations occur :::Manager: Good, so now we have until 11/25. Go ahead and start looking over 'Project A' and I'll work on getting you some tasks

When The Body Attacks Itself: Follow-Up

2009-11-11T23:11:00.006-06:00

At first I was just really sleepy (and glad to have hope for sleep); however, when I awoke the next morning, I was hardly able to get out of bed. When I did arise, I had no detectable blood pressure and could not walk straight. After moving around some, I was finally able to get a blood pressure but was not ok for the rest of the day. As I mentioned last time, there has been arguing as to

When The Body Attacks Itself

2009-11-09T18:49:00.003-06:00

"Autoimmune disorders are diseases caused by the body producing an inappropriate immune response against its own tissues. Sometimes the immune system will cease to recognize one or more of the body’s normal constituents as “self” and will create antibodies that attack its own cells, tissues, and/or organs."They argue as to what to do with me and try to force me to make decisions I know little

I'd Like To Put Down My Gun Please

2009-11-08T08:51:00.005-06:00

Insomnia is back. I haven't been able to make myself go to bed for weeks now. It is not as if I am not tired or sleepy but that I have to practically wrestle myself just to go to bed. I can't lie still. There have been times when I've managed to sneak around the issue by sleeping on the couch but this is not reliable enough. Last night I was up until 4:30am when I finally took myself to bed

Selling Out Your Heroes

2009-11-06T18:03:00.003-06:00

Today I sit at my desk stewing my blood pressure to greater heights as I listen to management around me dividing up my job duties amongst a list of overseas staff. Often, developers become so entrenched in their products that it becomes very personal. This particular project is personal to me. I put it's insides together, I molded it and I shaped it. It feels as if they may as well be

Washed Underneath Into Cold

2009-11-01T20:56:00.003-06:00

One minute here, a few hours later there. Wind causes a scraping sound, a numbness begins to settle within my eyes, the fog appears inside my head, I lose my breath as my chest begins to pound. Not a good year for pounding. I used to fight it, "no", I'd say, but I've been so tired with no sleep and everything becomes like a movie happening to someone else and at any time I will be pulled

Haunted

2009-10-31T23:24:00.003-05:00

it appears each year - I look back on these postspervading darkness sweeping me awaylostone minute here, next minute theresame dangersame darksame coldsame soilsame terror*"Can you tell me where I amWon't you say somethingI need to get my bearingsI'm lostAnd the shadows keep on changingI'm hauntedBy the lives that I have lovedAnd actions I have hatedI'm hauntedBy the lives that wove the webInside

spewing rem

2009-10-28T23:50:00.000-05:00

jaw & shoulders clenchingall hold buckled crackles plaster starts to wrench reluctant from it's wallblood struggles, churns, and boilspressurized beyond controlair imprisoned, clogged, and wheezingreluctant hope fallsdarkened doors open slightlynightmares rake the spine and soulmilligrams beckon free is nearreluctant back to hell i crawl

Heros = Cons

2009-10-27T07:48:00.004-05:00

Green Day - "21st Century Breakdown" |

Disease Postmarked In The Mail: A Follow-Up

2009-10-26T17:33:00.003-05:00

Today I phoned the office of my primary care physician (PCP) and informed them of the findings and the script for Synthroid. Though they were glad to know this information, there was a very firm response against having two PCP-type doctors writing scripts for me and it was made clear that I would have to choose one over the other.One one hand, I firmly agree. Especially with me, there can't be

Disease Postmarked In The Mail

2009-10-25T01:31:00.004-05:00

It is 1:30am. I cannot sleep. I did not sleep last night due to nightmares. I went to psychiatrist today and he gave me a bag of pills as a remedy to my most recent problems. My memory loss / dissociation and depression are worse. Tired and having no desire to do anything on a beautiful day made it all the more depressing. I cursed myself throughout the day wondering why i could not just

Fecal Debilification

2009-10-24T12:41:00.004-05:00

My regular appointment today with the psych was very discouraging. Though not much of a liar, I probably should have at least withheld the truth. He's not a bad doctor by any means but the science of drugs is in their belief system and this is what they do. Old emerging behaviors that had been previously extinguished seem to indicate that I'm not done well with my losses lately. I'm losing

Bloody Throats and V-Codes

2009-10-20T06:49:00.003-05:00

I'm up early today. Last night I was really sick and fell asleep on the couch. The pulmonologist forgot to phone in for some mouthwash that I was apparently supposed to use with the inhaler so that now it seems I have nasty thrush-stuff in my throat with a fever. It is a bloody ugly painful mess. I hate them all. They forget, they don't return calls, they are careless. And now I can't even

Getting Paid To Be Sick - A De-Evolutionary Idea In Healthcare

2009-10-18T21:41:00.002-05:00

While discussing a former employer, an older fellow explained to me how healthcare was handled "back in the day":"All the employees put money in a jar for the doctor to come around and see them regularly. If an employee was sick, then THAT employee did NOT have to put money in the jar. The doctors were paid to keep us healthy. You see, today doctors, etc., are only paid when we are sick. They

Prerogative Of The Brave*

2009-10-12T21:47:00.006-05:00

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love"*You leach upon my existence so that you may avoid your own.You tether me to you in the hope that you will go where I may(without paying the toll.)ORYou turn quickly away to avoid any reflection of yourself.You panic and throw hate at me to avoid your unrealistic shame.Either way, I pick you off and toss you down. * Mahatma Gandhi

Unfounded Mysteries & Lost Chances (Or PsychoTherapy)

2009-10-06T22:09:00.007-05:00

"They tell you where you need to goThey tell you when you'll need to leaveThey tell you what you need to knowThey tell you who you need to beBut everything inside you knowsThere's more than what you've heardThere's so much more than empty conversationsFilled with empty wordsBurning at these mysteriesGive me one more time aroundGive me one more chance to seeGive me everything You areGive me one

I'm Not Going To Eat Ham Either

2009-10-05T20:23:00.003-05:00

I'm trying not to panic over the swine ... um, I mean, the H1N1 flu. It's just a flu, right? It's breaking out around here. Someone in our corporate office has it and a lady was coughing all over my desk today. It terrifies me. I bought Airbourne, Germ-gel, and am trying to find someone to sanitize my house. I know I sound like a germ-a-phobe but I can't bear to be sick from ANY OTHER thing

The Speed of Nothing

2009-10-04T21:05:00.003-05:00

I want to slow down. No time to eat. No time for groceries. No time to fold laundry. Bills unpaid. No time to clean house. Living by the seat of my pants. That's what I do. I have nothing external that sucks away my time. I don't have a million meetings to attend. I don't have soccer games to go to. I'm not even putting extra hours in at work. Muscles clenched, jaw aching, my temper on a razor

The Jagged Loss of My Time

2009-10-04T21:04:00.001-05:00

Half a day here then the rest of another day later I am baffled and confused. Oddly enough, I used to deal with it better when the loss of time was longer - like weeks or months. It wasn't such a problem then.Survival mode kicking in, I picked up and kept on moving ahead. It's probably somewhere between the discouragement that bothers me now and the fear that I will slip back to missing months

My Facebook Voyeurism

2009-10-04T15:30:00.003-05:00

For months now I've been snooping around on Facebook to get a glance at people I knew "back when." I purposely have not added my maiden name or high school affiliation to my own Facebook account so that no one can easily find me.I've gone out, looked up someone then clicked each of their friends to see who they are friends with, and from there I've worked myself around the tree.At some point I

Swallowing Arsenic

2009-09-27T15:13:00.003-05:00

Since traditional western medicine has failed to relieve my heart troubles, I go to see a doctor who specializes in homeopathic / alternative medicine. I refuse to have my ear candled or wear a magic crystal but since I don't really have much to lose at this point, I try to keep an open mind. They ask 45-minutes worth of questions ranging from early childhood to what types of food do I crave

Foundation : Gone.

2009-09-20T21:41:00.005-05:00

daughter:i can hear myself;i'm somewhere inthere..mother:nobody'shome...nobody'shome....s'en allait tout simplementroutier pauvre et chantanten tous chemins, en tous lieuxil ne parle que du bon dieuil ne parle que du bon dieu*There was a hole in the floor and my foot went right through it. I had not noticed that for some time now the foundation of the house I live in is missing. There are

Coughing A Sigh Of Relief

2009-09-14T22:12:00.001-05:00

Asthma - mostly of the exercise-induced variety. That seems to be what I have. No congestive heart failure appears to be on the horizon. After three months of worrying how I will be able to take care of myself in the event that I drown slowly in my own bodily fluids, I am glad to have asthma. After today's pulmonary stress functioning test, I collapsed into a fit of coughing and wheezing

I Want The Sunshine

2009-09-12T22:32:00.008-05:00

"Sunshine, won't you be my motherSunshine, come and help me singMy heart is darker than these oceansMy heart is broken underneath"It's been almost two months since the bicycle exercise that sent me into that familiar fit of coughing accompanied by a metallic taste of blood. Supposedly, it is probably just exercise-induced asthma but now the coughing finds new ways to appear. I've been waiting

Batteries Not Included

2009-09-12T21:53:00.006-05:00

"All I want to know is a God-damned thingNot what's in the medicine.All I want to do is I want to BREATHEBut batteries not included"Lying in bed at night, I hold my index finger on my radial artery to make sure that my heart is still beating. Sometimes, my blood pressure gets so low at night, I worry that my heart will stop beating in my sleep and that no one will find me for days. Unless it is

9/11: Always Honor, Never Forget

2009-09-12T11:31:00.003-05:00

Green Day + NRDC: The Clean Energy Revolution

2009-09-10T20:19:00.001-05:00

An Obama Witch-Hunt For Fascism

2009-09-06T10:39:00.005-05:00

Tired of hearing the continual assaults on President Barack Obama, I've concluded that many Americans are on a witch hunt for fascism. I’m not trying to be pro- or anti- Obama, but everything is being taken out of context. A health care proposal has been turned into a death panel. A speech to encourage children to stay in school is being touted as 'communist' and 'brainwashing'. What is

The Music In My Life: Part IX -- Conclusion

2009-08-31T20:58:00.013-05:00

Unable to view my psyche as able to tolerate the life of a professional musician, I did not graduate with music as my major. I am either a musician or not. A university may give me a piece of paper reading that I can teach or perform but it can never teach me to play. My rival does well teaching band at a small high school a few hours away and Nike-guy has disappeared completely. Regarding

The Music In My Life: Part VIII

2009-08-30T00:34:00.008-05:00

She calls me after-hours: “What the hell is going on with you? You need to get down here RIGHT NOW.”When I arrive, she is livid. The dean has somehow found out about the post-concert suicide pact. My assigned counselor and I had already been through similar scenarios with the dean and promised that such situations would no longer occur. “It is a public-relations nightmare -- not to mention

The Music In My Life: Part VII

2009-08-30T00:27:00.004-05:00

It kills me to hear “Kurt Cobain-with-Nikes” play MY soprano solos. I’m humiliated to be in the clarinet section. I suspect others see it in my eyes. I’ve taken on a number of students for private saxophone instruction and now the university is sending me clarinet referrals as well. When we go on tour, I am to teach master classes for the alto clarinet – NOT saxophone.The whole scenario would

I Fray

2009-08-29T22:41:00.001-05:00