Finito

I once had a Pachebel dream
Where though the night outside was cold
The table inside was set and warm

In our thick cabled sweaters
We gathered around glowing candles
While Canon In D was deep in our eyes

No need for hope, we had all we needed
Most certainly no ordinary people,
We were adagio and vivace

Now dissipated and diminished to silence,
The dream went away with the people
Who never really were to begin with

Just court notations and paper.

Passenger or Passengers

“There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.”*

All the passengers in my head yell and scream. Rare is control. Struggling to get upright again before I am knocked back down. Crash, apply band-aid, repeat. I hate you. There are pills for you so I sleep on the couch. No one wants to help you. Damn bed. Sad bed. Horrific bed. Abandoned bed. Everyone is gone but you. You still stay.

* Will Shriner

PassageWays

If you had the right things to say
then would you say them?

If you had the right things to hear
then would you hear them?

If you had the right things to see
then would you see them?

If you had the right things to know
then would you know me?

Or would you take away any chance I have

to view myself
to hear myself

to see myself

and

to know myself ?

Passages

Around 3am I woke myself up with my yelling and then quickly scanned the couch for snakes. This hasn't happened for a while.

I've been spending allot of nights on the couch. When bedtime comes I suddenly seem short on time and long on things that have to be done immediately. I haven't been bothering with sleep meds either. Bed seems impossible so tricking myself into sleeping on the couch is my best bet. I try to lay down but my body shoots up as if it is tied to a string and I am just a passenger along for the ride.

Maybe I am.

Human Resources

11/09/2009 : 2PM

Placement Firm Manager (PFM): Your interview with "Company B" went well but they decided to go with a different skillset.
Me: Ok, thanks.

11/10/2009 : 10:15AM
PFM: Good news, "Company B" is interested in you for another position and would like to proceed with the next round of interviews after all."
Me: Great, thanks.

11/17/2009 : 1PM
PFM: Looks like you got positive reviews from everyone. "Company B" would like to bring you on as a direct hire and they'll let us know more this week.
Me: Wonderful, thanks.

11/17/2009 : 1:30PM
PFM: "Company B" has determined that they will already have the resources they need for this position so they are going to have to let you go but will contact us know should something open up in January.
Me: Let me go? I haven't been hired yet. They are messed up.
PFM: Yeah, makes us look as if we operate smoothly.
Me: Right ... thanks.

My Not-Last-Day At Work

Manager: Well, today is your last day, huh? I'd like to thank you for the help you have provided us during this difficult situation.

Me: You're welcome.

Manager: Actually, we'd like you to stay on a few more days to help us out if you can.

::: negotiations occur :::

Manager: Good, so now we have until 11/25. Go ahead and start looking over 'Project A' and I'll work on getting you some tasks for Monday.

Me: But I've been working on 'Project B,' it's far from ready, and I'm the only one with the expertise.

Manager: Yes, I know, but technically only the overseas folks can bill that project right now.

Me: So, you're keeping me for a project that is not mine and that you do not have any tasks for?

Manager: Correct. Have a good weekend!

When The Body Attacks Itself: Follow-Up

At first I was just really sleepy (and glad to have hope for sleep); however, when I awoke the next morning, I was hardly able to get out of bed. When I did arise, I had no detectable blood pressure and could not walk straight. After moving around some, I was finally able to get a blood pressure but was not ok for the rest of the day. As I mentioned last time, there has been arguing as to whether or not I should be taking certain prescriptions for the glands that are being destroyed by my immune system. I had decided to hold off and not make any sudden decisions. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying enough attentions when the homeopathic practitioner gave me FIVE different bottles of 'natural' remedies. Despite my knowledge that these chemicals are STILL drugs, I took them. All of them (as recommended). I was too ashamed to phone my regular MD so I phoned the homeopath. By that time my bp had already skyrocketed to stroke level and crashed again. Her solution is to start taking them slowly, one at a time, let my body adjust, and see if one causes an adverse reaction. Who knows what will happen. The bottom line is to be careful when taking anything -- FDA approval or not.