Bunch Of Smelly Water

Ok, I give. ... JUST for tonight ...

I honestly do not know what to do when the panic hits. Tonight it is my job. I hate what I do. Honestly -- I purely hate it. My life is so overwhelmed with keeping up with the latest technology and taking certification exams that I do not know how to actually program anything anymore. No matter where I go, I cannot win. If I work in corporate helldom then I am suffocated but if I work in small innovative shops then I am overwhelmed. Either way, the result is the same: I want to rip out my jugular and bleed all over the place.

I have no time for anything now but even though I am busy, nothing gets done at work or at home. I came home to an odd odor today and just now realized that it is the empty fish tank where all the fish have died and/or disappeared. That is not how I take care of aquariums yet here I sit looking at it and smelling it and yet doing nothing. It is completely disgusting. I supposed I could just start draining water into the front lawn at 2am?

No, I am not on my medication. They reduced the dosage due to blood pressure and serotonin-related problems again. I supposed insanity is better than a stroke? Either way I die so don't ask me.

I've been in this damn apartment for over a year now and that is of no help. I hate therapists and husbands because neither one knows jack-shit about me:

"Yes, I am being courteous and caring ... that is who I am, right? ... oh well so I must be fine despite the fact that I slit the vein up my left leg last night and will have to do the other tonight after dealing with your mugs that don't have a damn clue so I give up ... unless I scream and throw myself into the floor no one pays attention and I don't have the damn energy for that ... can't anyone just apply some simple logic here? i DID say that i was having some mood problems due to the medication change and felt quite manic but no one believed me and by God I couldn't stop my ramblings ... not having a problem? how about that $800 I blew earlier in the day when I do not have $800 to burn? ... every time I leave it's like I drank a bottle of haterade and lost $50 in the process ... still married but severely lonely and throwing duckets into hole without earning escrow ..."

So there, maybe that's the root of my AM tonight. Yeah, I know; that's another story for another blog post but damn it is not my job to be the therapist now matter how I set myself up. Currently, it would be good if I would just crack the C# open and not fix whatever crap is broken now but I think I'm going to go empty allot of smelly water.

Not So Much Blogging Lately: Update I

10:15pm

...this is not the girl who promised not to be on pc after 8:30 pm but stressed after work ... she did not blog ... began making a music video on geeks venting and editing it ... drank two beers ... she promises to go to bed ...

Not So Much Blogging Lately

I'm experimenting with a new self-implemented personal policy: no computer activity during the work week after 8:30 pm. Since most of my blogging has been in the wee insomniatic hours, I have not blogged much. So ... there you go.

Because of my career, I am on a PC all day at work and then some so this is one reason why I am attempting to execute such a tenet at this point in time. With more certifications and new technologies to learn, now is definitely not a good time. In addition, I also order food, pay bills, request library books, shop, schedule social activities, and communicate with others via the internet. There will never be a convenient time so I might as well go at it now. It's been almost two weeks and I have slipped a few times. Interestingly, on the times when I have not slipped, I have been able to fall asleep easier. In any event, there's got to be more to life than staring at a flat-screen.

Recently, I observed a co-worker who had to go without internet access on his laptop for a whole five days and had a complete melt-down. It was an eye-opener for me who totes around a laptop, MP3 player, portable storage, USB cords, Playstation Portable, digital camera, and cell phone. Sadly, I'm one of the few people who I know who does not go out and buy the absolute latest in gadgets yet I'm still overrun by them. Last week, I even purchased a special charging station to store all my chargers and cords in an efficient manner and am still without enough space for them all.

Only time will determine the success of my loss of habits but I do hope it works out well because the resulting physical problems are miserable and I do enjoy sleep. If I absolutely have to blog then I will go ahead and purchase a new smart phone so that I can blog on the go, right? ........

Doth I Ask Too Much?

Driving back to the apartment in the sharp cool of spring, I wondered how it can be that I can love someone so much and NOT have the relationship work out? It was then that I realized the silliness of my thinking -- as if I am unusual. Unrequited love or whatever is one of the classic stories as old as time. It is not unusual at all and I have no control over it.

If I could have control and could have changed just one thing about tonight then what would I do? I would change this conversation:

FROM:

Me: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
Him: "Meeting the guys at the university and ... " (etc)

TO:

Me: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
Him: "Spending time with you I hope."

Yes, I could ask that he spend time with me so why didn't I? I guess because I often do that exact thing - tonight alone was my idea ... and because over dinner I talked and he was disinterested as always ...

Like I said, I have no control over it. I can't make IT happen.

Bill, Whatcha Doin' ?!?

This week Bill Gates appeared before government recommending that the United States allow for more Visas for foreign workers.

His reasoning is that the United States must hire overseas in order to stay competitive in the international market. First of all, let me make clear that I enjoy working with foreign consultants and I've grown to like Bill in the past year but I have some problems here:

1. Why not invest money into the American education system so we can have our own developers, network staff, business analysts, etc?

2. Where is the lack of qualified staff in Information Technology? I don't see them. I can start a long list right now of extremely intelligent and talented developers who have lost jobs and then were replaced by Visa-sponsored Indian workers who could not grasp the scope of work.

Are You Hillary?

I was hoping that I would not blog about Hillary but I just can't keep my trap clamped. First of all, I'm not going to say who I voted for and who I support but I do have something to say for just some of the flimsy comments regarding Hillary:

1. She is a bitch. Have these people considered that she is operating in a man's world? Let me say, when you are a woman working in a traditionally man's career field then you are going to toughen up real quick if you are going to survive. This, I know firsthand. I'm not trying to be feminist here, but if Hillary were a man with her personality, resume, and experience, would she be struggling so much to get votes?

2. Her husband is a "skank" and yet she stuck with him. I do not know what the Clinton marriage is like but I do know sacrifice when one truly believes in something. It is my suspicion that this woman has suffered and sacrificed dearly. Look at the picture below, she loved this man. However, if it were me then I may very well keep Bill around so that I would not only have the stigma of being the first female president but also the first divorced president (though, I would keep him locked up in a closet).

3. She cried in public. She cried and moved on without bombing someone.

4. She can't handle the 3am phone call. After everything she has already handled, I think she can handle such a stress. This lady is tough.

To close, consider the cleverness of the following quote from Hillary's Ohio speech tonight:

"For everyone here in Ohio and across America who's been ever been counted out but refused to be knocked out, for everyone who has stumbled but stood right back up, and for everyone who works hard and never gives up -- this one is for you"

This isn't just about her own personal experiences but probably hits home for the majority of Americans and how they view themselves. It is quite effective to share experiences in such a way that almost anyone will be touched by and quite effective in rallying people together.

Nocturnal Chatterings: Investigative Time Change

- I really should do a techie blog. Oh, yeah, I have http://www.polyprops.blogspot.com/ that has been very successful.

- Anyway, I'm live in Redmond this week. Whether or not you hate or love Microsoft, if you are a developer you are probably more interested in investigating this place than Disneyland. Looks like I'll be making quite a few trips up here now with the new job.

- But, back to the war, I was thinking that the time change to two-hours later would help my insomnia but I'm still awake. Whoa ... wait a minute ... it's only 9:47pm here ... so it is 11:46pm back home ... so if I usually can't get to sleep until 12pm - 1am then maybe sleep will come soon. If so, then my 12:30pm sleepy-time will actually be 10:30. I like. This will mean that I do not have insomnia but I an inconvenient sleep-wake cycle that has to do with those bio-rhythm things, right?

+ Will find out soon.

Corporate Hell #5 : Fleeing Again

This was the first place to which I sent my resume when I changed careers and went into software development. Completely green, I didn't have a chance getting a job here then so when I landed place here last August I was very pleased.

Six months later and I have left. Though being able to say where I worked and what I did was epitome of total coolness, the reality of the environment was quite hopeless and miserable (as I've mentioned in previous posts).

Now I have another dream-like job. There actually seems to be allot of opportunity at this smaller but established company. I wish that I could grasp hold and go flying up through the ranks but I am so tired. A good job but I never would have guessed that the rest of my life would be such a mess. I'm getting too old to have made so little of my personal life.