mixtures

Supposedly there are people in my live who care about me. I think there was a time in my younger life when I tried to suck that dry - get as much care as possible so that it would "fix me" ... to make up for something I could not identify.

My strategies did not work, of course. I've been told many times that you must care about yourself before you can truly care for others or receive care for others. That is a lesson that can only be learned if you experience it yourself. I learned that lesson quite some time ago and I can officially say that it really doesn't seem to matter a d*mn with me.

Step Five: Rebuilding

"Danger past. The feeling that something was gone. Something that was part of you. Something that you needed. It protected you. The violence that you wore like a cloak of honor. The feeling that you could protect your world with fists has gone. It's not leaking out of you, it's pouring away, fast fast, faster. You're of no use to it any more. Maybe...maybe now you can fly with the gods."*

Warm and steamed with soap, I sat in a hot tub tonight in attempt to allow the recent stress to melt away and go spinning down the drain. After three nights of unrest the cats have quieted down and I got a little sleep.

Though I have no clue what lies ahead, I try to savor what little calm I can. I've eaten some food, brushed my hair, and slathered my skin with lotion -- things I have not been able to do for a while.

In the movie 16 Years Of Alcohol, Frankie managed to get a touch of peace. By slowing down his frantic running, he was able to take a look at what he was running from and stare the beast in the eye.

It is unclear what exactly happened to Frankie after his past literally caught up to him and beat him to a bloody pulp as he lay still on the concrete. We do not know if he got back up from the attack but it is clear that he had recognized the recurrent destructive patterns of his life and had given them up. Even if it meant the death of him, he would not participate in the violence of his life:

"If everything that you'd ever ruined fell from the sky at this moment...then the world would be covered in darkness. Is this what you really wanted -- is this the dream? Do you have it now? ...The shape of your journey -- at last you can see it. Maybe it's time to start the clocks ticking again. Look time in the face and forget about the past. Stop the past leaking into your heart. "*

Though the Gillian Welch folksy-love-song playing at the end of the movie implies the love relationship between Frankie and his girlfriend I can't help but to wonder if it is really a love song about Frankie finding his way back to his own true self:

"Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come molest my soul
I dream a highway back to you.

Step into the light, poor Lazarus
Don't lie alone behind the window shade
Let me see the mark death made
I dream a highway back to you.

What will sustain us through the winter?
Where did last years lessons go?
Walk me out into the rain and snow
I dream a highway back to you.

Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come and bless my soul
I dream a highway back to you"

The first step was HOPE. The second step was BETRAYAL. The third step was THE WAR. The fourth step was THE DECISION. The fifth step will be REBUILDING. I HOPE the sixth step will be a peaceful prologue.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

Step Four: The Decision

"the world is silent, the clocks have stopped again.

i can see the ship that sailed has sunk to the bottom of the sea. I burn. My heart beats the tune that this is no fantasy, this is real. This is when you become dizzy with hate."*

I can't describe the mysterious world I seek as it seems I have not yet arrived. I can only search vehemently and learn from others. Only can I HOPE for Frankie's enlightenment:

::Sweating nervously in an AA meeting::

"My name is Frankie. And I am a violent man. I woke up one morning. It was winter. I could see an oak tree standing right next to me. It was cold. At first I couldn't feel anything and then I realized that my face was frozen to the ground. I couldn't lift it. It was stuck. I don't know how long I'd been there but it was long enough to freeze me. Something bad had happened. Something violent. My hands were free and I could see that they were blood red. But my thoughts were clear: They told me that I was a dead person. Dead, no longer living. Lifeless.

I remembered everything. Everything from the past. The past was there in front of me. As the sun came up my face was released but for a while I didn't want to get up. I just lay there listening to my thoughts about the past. This is where the world spins in the wrong direction, where it ends. The realization that everything that you ever wanted will never happen. Gone. Gone forever. 16 fucking years and gone. Think of all the love you gave people who never understood that what you were doing was for them and all you ever wanted back was something small. Hope. Not charity. You wanted them to make hope beautiful again.

After a while I got up and for the first time I understood something that had real meaning. You can't escape from what you are. You can only try and make you a better person. Anyway, I'm trying, and that's all I'm doing...trying to be better, trying not to give up. I guess what I'm trying to say is that things may not have worked out like you might have hoped and it's up to you to get on with it. ....Even though you feel that hope is tired and suddenly it isn't available any more... " *

The first step was HOPE. The second step was BETRAYAL. The third step was THE WAR. The fourth step was THE DECISION. The fifth step will be REBUILDING.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

Step Three: The War

Because my own war continues to rage at a merciless pace, I haven't wanted to write this post on The War.

Frankie had lived a life of alcohol and violence until he met other people with different lifestyles. It was a long struggle for him to figure out who he was versus who he had believed himself to be. Keen insightfulness is probably what saved him. After one particular fight he sees the uselessness of violence:

"this is not the stuff that dreams are made of. Each second here is another education in the art of destruction. The wonder of hate. There's no heart left here. Only eyes that lie and people that charge through the day. Trying to remember where it all began is not good. All that matters is how it affects you and the people you care about. That's the real world. How easy is this? Too easy to stop. They say when a ship sinks the rats float to the top. Some people look forward to this time. "*

While on a date visiting an unfamiliar museum, it was obvious that Frankie was out of his element. He had predicted that the scene would not go well, and after some patrons were rude to him, he resorted to physical threats of bodily harm until his girlfriend pulled him to the side:

Girl: what was all that about? what happened in there?
Frankie: they were horrible, they showed me no respect.
Girl: ...you threatened to cut and hang them from a wall... what did you promise me? ....you said it was over. the violence, the drink, all that stuff was over. it's never going to be over. they hit you, you hit them. someone says something, you say something back. you look for it. it doesn't come looking for you -- you're always on the lookout for it.
Frankie: what am i on the lookout for?
Girl: the past.

Even when we think something dark is behind us we go searching out for it like a hunter seeking to destroy monstrous prey. The need to put a resolve to a never-ending ache can be tremendous enough that it only causes us more grief.

Later, Frankie heads back to the bottle:

"people talk of strength at times like this.
strength of character - be strong, be a man, say no....
just when you thought it was in your grasp...you find yourself back where you started.
nothing is ever as easy as people would have you think. nothing. vodka, vodka, vodka...
where is love when you need it most. where is love when the past begins to leak into your heart.
where is hope...in a hopeless place?...."*

Time and again, Frankie is tossed back and forth between his old lifestyle and the fragile new one. Teased about his new girlfriend and lifestyle, he is threatened by old gang members:

"We heard you were a born-again. must have been given the wrong information. can't imagine ms. goody two-shoes would be too impressed. maybe I'll knock on her door and let her know her projects fucked. Her funny little experiment has fallen apart."*

Step One is Hope. Step Two is Betrayal. Step Three is The War. Step Four will be The Decision.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

Step Two: Betrayal

"Here comes the wind...cutting down the buildings...looking for someone to blame for his pointless journey...Someone always has to pay...that's the rule...the ONLY rule." *

Just like everyone trusts someone at some point, everyone also gets betrayed at some point by the same trusted person. It is a necessary trial and, though there will be more than one, there will most likely be one core betrayal -- the one that haunts the soul and nags for resolution. Though severity varies, there is no avoiding it. Each one of us will be entrusted with such a scenario. It is the nature of being human. It is how a person processes such an event that determines a person's character and well-being.

"It feels suddenly as if the clocks stop ticking and the world stops moving. The derison, the hate, the end of good. What are you left with other than this thing called hope? I knew all along but didn't understand it. This was a charade. Not a place where people won things but a place where people lost...and lost badly."*

It is a mystery as to how some people can overcome even the most worst conflict while others cannot even turn to face or acknowledge what may seem a simple one. Any one person might become angry, depressed, violent, addicted, fake, or all of the above and more. Regardless, it is a step in this story.

Step one was hope. Step two is betrayal. Step three is the war.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

Step One: Hope

"I dream of an extraordinary world where angels watch over you as storm clouds gather." *

I never really thought of myself as a person who WANTED to be loved. Does anyone ever actually have the conscious thought that “I want to be loved?” …seems too dangerous to me. Allowing such a threat would surely lead to a vulnerability that is unacceptable to any ego; at least, one that is fragile.

Some say that love is an addiction and that the only love you need is the love from yourself. For a long time I believed that no one else’s love would ever be necessary for my well-being. I now think that that is only partly correct and is, actually, somewhat of an excuse for avoiding the potential harm from trusting someone …and HOPING that someone… will love you…that you are ok.

In the movie, 16 Years of Alcohol, the prime character obviously begins his life with the hope for love:

“I've always had a strange feeling about love. It seemed tricky. Happiness and sadness...ugly and beautiful...real and unreal...One thing I've always known though is that I have wanted to be around love. Quietly, not too much, just enough to make my heart feel happy. It didn't have to sing...just smile a little...smile at the world. Love is greedy. Somethings, when things don't work out as you might have hoped, love becomes a dangerous thing. Scary, violent, cold like the mood. But sometimes, warm like the breeze.” *

Supposedly, we all start out in the world wanting to be loved. From our very first breaths we supposedly seek out a figure to attach ourselves too. This is, supposedly a most critical event in our lives as countless research projects and papers, mine included, have focused on this area. The sum of the evidence is here.

But "HOPE" is only step one. Step two is "BETRAYAL."

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.