Step Four: The Decision

"the world is silent, the clocks have stopped again.

i can see the ship that sailed has sunk to the bottom of the sea. I burn. My heart beats the tune that this is no fantasy, this is real. This is when you become dizzy with hate."*

I can't describe the mysterious world I seek as it seems I have not yet arrived. I can only search vehemently and learn from others. Only can I HOPE for Frankie's enlightenment:

::Sweating nervously in an AA meeting::

"My name is Frankie. And I am a violent man. I woke up one morning. It was winter. I could see an oak tree standing right next to me. It was cold. At first I couldn't feel anything and then I realized that my face was frozen to the ground. I couldn't lift it. It was stuck. I don't know how long I'd been there but it was long enough to freeze me. Something bad had happened. Something violent. My hands were free and I could see that they were blood red. But my thoughts were clear: They told me that I was a dead person. Dead, no longer living. Lifeless.

I remembered everything. Everything from the past. The past was there in front of me. As the sun came up my face was released but for a while I didn't want to get up. I just lay there listening to my thoughts about the past. This is where the world spins in the wrong direction, where it ends. The realization that everything that you ever wanted will never happen. Gone. Gone forever. 16 fucking years and gone. Think of all the love you gave people who never understood that what you were doing was for them and all you ever wanted back was something small. Hope. Not charity. You wanted them to make hope beautiful again.

After a while I got up and for the first time I understood something that had real meaning. You can't escape from what you are. You can only try and make you a better person. Anyway, I'm trying, and that's all I'm doing...trying to be better, trying not to give up. I guess what I'm trying to say is that things may not have worked out like you might have hoped and it's up to you to get on with it. ....Even though you feel that hope is tired and suddenly it isn't available any more... " *

The first step was HOPE. The second step was BETRAYAL. The third step was THE WAR. The fourth step was THE DECISION. The fifth step will be REBUILDING.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.