Step Three: The War

Because my own war continues to rage at a merciless pace, I haven't wanted to write this post on The War.

Frankie had lived a life of alcohol and violence until he met other people with different lifestyles. It was a long struggle for him to figure out who he was versus who he had believed himself to be. Keen insightfulness is probably what saved him. After one particular fight he sees the uselessness of violence:

"this is not the stuff that dreams are made of. Each second here is another education in the art of destruction. The wonder of hate. There's no heart left here. Only eyes that lie and people that charge through the day. Trying to remember where it all began is not good. All that matters is how it affects you and the people you care about. That's the real world. How easy is this? Too easy to stop. They say when a ship sinks the rats float to the top. Some people look forward to this time. "*

While on a date visiting an unfamiliar museum, it was obvious that Frankie was out of his element. He had predicted that the scene would not go well, and after some patrons were rude to him, he resorted to physical threats of bodily harm until his girlfriend pulled him to the side:

Girl: what was all that about? what happened in there?
Frankie: they were horrible, they showed me no respect.
Girl: ...you threatened to cut and hang them from a wall... what did you promise me? ....you said it was over. the violence, the drink, all that stuff was over. it's never going to be over. they hit you, you hit them. someone says something, you say something back. you look for it. it doesn't come looking for you -- you're always on the lookout for it.
Frankie: what am i on the lookout for?
Girl: the past.

Even when we think something dark is behind us we go searching out for it like a hunter seeking to destroy monstrous prey. The need to put a resolve to a never-ending ache can be tremendous enough that it only causes us more grief.

Later, Frankie heads back to the bottle:

"people talk of strength at times like this.
strength of character - be strong, be a man, say no....
just when you thought it was in your grasp...you find yourself back where you started.
nothing is ever as easy as people would have you think. nothing. vodka, vodka, vodka...
where is love when you need it most. where is love when the past begins to leak into your heart.
where is hope...in a hopeless place?...."*

Time and again, Frankie is tossed back and forth between his old lifestyle and the fragile new one. Teased about his new girlfriend and lifestyle, he is threatened by old gang members:

"We heard you were a born-again. must have been given the wrong information. can't imagine ms. goody two-shoes would be too impressed. maybe I'll knock on her door and let her know her projects fucked. Her funny little experiment has fallen apart."*

Step One is Hope. Step Two is Betrayal. Step Three is The War. Step Four will be The Decision.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.