Wounds That Break

What do you do when you have to break a promise that you had made many years ago under duress? If you don't break your promise then you will die a slow suffocating painful death. However, if you do break the promise, someone you love will suffer just as tremendously.

Manipulating and sweating out every other creative solution you can imagine, you try all avenues only to arrive at a dead end. You've tried to fix something that was broken before you ever came along but nothing succeeds.

Sickeningly, you've arrived at the same dead end before and wonder what you have done to cause so much turmoil. What must you do to end this destructive cycle? Can you end it? ... or even should you?

December 25

Today is the first year I did not wake up to a christmas tree and presents. Family-less and maritally separated, I awoke to the cats and myself. In addition, today is also my birthday. I spent it alone. I'm certain that I had some choice in the matter and could have made some sort of arrangements but could not find the energy to do so.

For the past few years I've tried to avoid the holiday stress by NOT following the normal stream of thought: that everyone is happy drinking eggnog and opening presents with a loving family. I've received allot of pity lately and just recently defensively placated my christmas/birthday non-plans by stating that:

"I hate when people pity me for culturally-induced ideals of what 'should-be.' This is why people get depressed over the holidays and such. I'm in my apt playing video games, watching dvds, eating, and periodically going out with people. that is goood. "

I think I did a goood job there defending my position even though I just felt like crawling under a blankie with some Klonopin.

Nevertheless, I did make it through this damned day fairly well by cuddling with the cats, eating, and catching up on some DVDs. Could be worse.

snow play

Play At "Art" Hill and Forest Park

War Update

What I want is hidden deep within and cannot be found because it cannot be had.

Opportunities come and go

Knowing full well I can jump aboard all

I only catch the rides for which I have the proper ticket

I should move on yet I give it time.

Unable to get through yet I wait.

Unable to open my own door - I swallow the key and gag.

This is not alien to me and that's why impatiently despise it.

Cruel.

Typical VI: The System

me: I'm at a stopping point in my workflow. Is there anything else I should be working on? I ran a report that lists all the update requests on my software.

mgr: you can't do those because they haven't been approved and budgeted for yet. work on the 346 project.

me: I finished that already.

mgr: work on it some more.

me: How do I bill for that? Wouldn't that be overbudget?

mgr: yes, but it is approved.

Typical V: Vasoline

mgr: will you enter these request items into the system?

me: that will take about 4 hours.

mgr: yes...

me: how do i bill that?

mgr: bill it to the accounting dept

me: these projects aren't from the accounting department.

mgr: yes, but we like to "round out" the billing so all is equal.

me: (you are paying me the salary of a mid-level software developer and making me do secretarial work...usually i might revel in this but somehow i suspect i'm being scr*wed in the *ss so i don't particularly care for it .. plus my skills are softening ... i may as well bend over and get some Vaseline)

me: ...ok... do you have any Vaseline?

mgr: yes, actually, i do have some at my desk. ....why?

me: dry lips.

mgr: oh, ok ... you're WELCOME to it.

me: thanks, i figured ...

But For A Tube of Toothpaste

You're not going to freaking believe this: someone was nice to me.

I've been really out of it lately - more than usual. So in one month I got a speeding ticket, a parking ticket then one day I had two parking accidents - one involving another person.

I felt horrible about hitting the parked car and had no idea whose it was. I ended up phoning the police to so that I didn't get caught in some hit-and-run situation then left a note on the car.

Honestly, I thought the lady was going to take me to the cleaners for that mess of scratches and was fully prepared for such so it was quite a surprised when she phoned me and told me that I owed her a tube of toothpaste. She explained that she was able to buff out most of the scratches with toothpaste so I need to get her some Aquafresh whitening toothpaste. To make it even more bizarre, she ended up thanking ME for my honesty and decency.

I'm going to get her more than a tube of toothpaste for HER kindness. She has given me a very very touching present and I am thankful.

Typical IV: What The ...?

mgr (passing in the hall): hey, girl! how ya doin' today?!

me (startled and watching her pass): um ... ok ... thanks ...

(later in day)

mgr: i need this break fixed asap. every one's tired of getting 400 + error e-mails a day.

me: ... earlier when i pointed it out you said to let it pass and not fix it ...

mgr: fix it asap

me: ok

(couple hours later)

me: the code is fixed, tested, documented, and ready to promote to production.

mgr: why?

me: pardon?

mgr: why does it work now? how do you know how it broke?

me: ... .... .... well, what happened is you requested that we remove component "A5" and all of it's references but you were not aware that the DLL component "Z12" was even being used more less calling component "A5" which you had me remove -- so, of course, when "Z12" tried to call "A5" the software errored out.

mgr: great. prove it to me then you can promote it.

me: pardon?

mgr: give me detailed documentation and proof of what happened.

me: ..... ok. (g*d*mn-geometry-teacher-gestapo-wanna-be-piece-of....)

(post-5pm)

co-worker: hurry, aren't you coming to happy hour?!!

me: i gave the proof of the "A5" error resolution to (mgr) and she said to promote it immediately so i have been waiting for the promotion to go through.

co-worker: she just left for happy hour ... see you there!

me: ....

me: ....

me: (wait ... mgr just left ... did she give approval to the database team for the promotion? .... hmmm.... (looking up promotion status) ... holy crap! she did not! she is gone and did not even give approval after the whole g*d*mn piece of *s386$*@! )

Note: I work for one of the top 10 IT shops in the United States.

Typical III: The Release of v1.6 - Part 2

mgr: about that bug you stayed late last night trying to fix ... we figured out that it is not a bug but was purposely designed that way.

me: so it wasn't my fault? ...that's good. why was the software designed that way?

mgr: we don't know. research that and let me know ok?

me: sure...

mgr: ...oh, yeah, and about those extra hours you put in last night? make sure you leave early so that we don't have to pay you over-time.

me: ...

Typical II: The Release of v1.6

me: the release today cause two problems and one could cause allot of issues

mgr: ?

me: the functionality locked message is occuring when a user clicks on the maintenance add button.

mgr: i thought that was fixed

me: (uh-oh, here we go again.) no, the lead decided it was a data issue that would go away upon deployment to production

mgr: well, have you fixed it yet?

me: (f*ck) no, there is a work-around but it is too risky. i do not believe it is a data issue.

mgr: well, then get someone else's opinion.

me: (would you just fire me already?) the database admin agrees that it is too risky.

mgr: well what caused this to happen?

me: (is this a test or does she need medicine?) i'm not sure but it seems to be traced to the removal of the caustic.aspx component.

mgr: that wasn't in the change package. the customer did not authorize that. why did you do it?

me: (f*ck, the lead screwed me again) the lead decided it could be rolled up under another change package and you concurred.

mgr: well, YOUR release may have to be TOTALLY rolled back and that's NOT going to look good. fix it.

mixtures

Supposedly there are people in my live who care about me. I think there was a time in my younger life when I tried to suck that dry - get as much care as possible so that it would "fix me" ... to make up for something I could not identify.

My strategies did not work, of course. I've been told many times that you must care about yourself before you can truly care for others or receive care for others. That is a lesson that can only be learned if you experience it yourself. I learned that lesson quite some time ago and I can officially say that it really doesn't seem to matter a d*mn with me.

Bad Rhythm

You've been unreachable -

So close but cannot be touched

I feel pain and move away

Avoiding the approach of aloneness,

You melt my thaw to bring me near

Foolishly, I sense hope

But then you float again amiss

And the drain draws me further down

Text By The Pool

Top Five Books That I Can Remember Reading In 2007:

5. Women's Murder Club Series - James Patterson

4. Big Stone Gap Series - Adriana Trigiani
3. The Glass Castle: A Memoir - Jeannette Walls

2. Odd Thomas Series - Dean Koontz
1. The Kite Runner - Hussein Khalani

Typical

manager: did you ever locate the Payroll-Group-Code in the PCHR database for the HYPS1 application?

me: i sent you an e-mail with some sample data for your confirmation.

manager: you mean the e-mail dated 11/9/07?

me: well...i'd have to look to know which exact dated e-mail it was ... hold on ... no, not that one. i sent this one yesterday with no response regarding that either.

manager: no, that's wrong, we need real data for the client.

me: that was real data from the actual table.

manager: i know but it is not the right data.

me: can you give me a sample of what you are looking for exactly?

manager: we just need to know if the code is being used by the app. give us the connection string and sample data.

me: i gave you the connection string.

manager: no, that had the database name in it.

me: yes.

manager: ...

me: ... can you give me a sample of what you are looking for exactly?

manager: it will be like our code - Y372 - but that code will not be in there to look for so I can't tell you.

me: so no one knows what this code is that i'm looking for.

manager: i need you to locate the Payroll-Group-Code in the PCHR database for the HYPS1 application.

me: okay, i'll look again.

That is a Fake Elephant

I haven't blogged much lately. With summer coming to an end, I have been more involved with the Ninja ... spending as much time with the little guy as I can. Becoming involved in local biking groups has pulled me in deeper. There is allot of empowerment riding in a group and, well, that is a rare but highly-craved and covetted experience for me.

With winter and the holidays nearing, I worry that I will not survive. I had hoped I would spend some of the holidays with my sister but she ... well ... has other understandable priorities. I've decided not to go to the in-laws being that they have no idea what is going on with my marriage and the tension would be even more unbearable. My spouse refuses to speak about it and just pretends that all is well ... as if we have NOT been living apart for almost ten months. I hate fake but envy those who can pull it off so well.

Oily

Spillage


Oil is expensive because we keep spilling it into the damn ocean. Can you not transport the damn gold?

Where?

- Hey, where the hell did I go? In fact, where the hell am I?

+ You know, it's another one of THOSE nights.

- S***. Where have I been? Will I ever get back?

+ Do you want to go back?

- Not really, but I don't like it here either.

- You know, everyone says to live in the present but how is that possible? In reality the present is an infinity of a millisecond, gone before it has even come. The future is unknown so no wonder we're stuck in the g*9D3qmn past - that's all there is and that is lousy.

Haunted in October

It was a dark cold night when she ran through the woods to escape as the dead leaves cried out and betrayed her. She hoped the darkness would work for her tonight instead of against her but when she heard the noise her hopes were chased away as she leaped up to engage another chase. Her legs could beat any other of comparable size but the arm that grabbed her was too large and muscular and there was simply no contest. Despite the desperate flailing of her arms and legs as well as the creative squirming that small people do, she was hauled away by the large arm into a hole from which she would never really escape.

Désolé, Non Ménage à Trois

Last Friday was a crisp Autumn evening and I had been looking forward to it because I had Foosball and pool plans with some people. Usually, I like to be a geek this time of year and turn Friday's into "fright-night" Friday's by watching scary movies but being in the apartment alone so much lately got me squirming. Unfortunately, the group dispersed early and I knew some other buddies of mine were down the road at my favorite pub so I drove over.

A dark-haired girl with double-d breasts greeted me as if she knew me and her boyfriend took my jacket and threw it over a stool. I told them that I was looking for someone else but they began to buy me drinks and explain that they were celebrating their divorce finalization that day. They had been married for six-months.

Later, when a buddy found me at the bar a conversation began about how to tell if a marriage is valid. Apparently, the couple was questioning the validity of their "Vegas marriage" to began with. Suspecting that this was going to get even more interesting, I stayed for the free beer but then the dark girl began to come onto me. At first she stated that she had paid for her boob-job, then that the guy had paid for it, then that she had. I won't go into the details but when it became apparent that I wasn't going to cave to her interludes, she and the guy moved on the a younger bar-maid who had just gotten off work.

Again, they began to buy her beer to celebrate their divorce. When the barmaid asked them how long they had been married they then claimed that they had been married six years (as opposed to six months). By then, I had identified it as a swinger scam, secretly informed the bar-maid, and directed one of my buddies to go play a video game with the bar-maid and she happily went along to escape the scam. I continued to drink the free beer and keep an eye on them.

Eventually, they argued and took off together. Next Friday, I'm going back to the fake "fright-night" Friday's at home.

my psychopathology

Somewhere within this past week or so I watched the whole first season of Dexter. It was bound to have an effect on me. I'm so impressionable ... STILL. So anyway, I was sitting at a four-way stop this evening went when it was my turn. An elderly lady in an SUV went as well and I had to brake in the middle of the intersection -- she never even saw me. I wasn't enraged at her or anything but definitely was annoyed so I followed her steadily for some time flashing my brights. Sometimes, I would just leave them on so that she would have to suffer from the glare. Eventually, I let her go about her way but I took a small, sick, and calming pleasure from it. She probably never even noticed me.

Last week was a hard week anyway.

Craving The Noise of a Bug-Zapper

With only two days in a court room, Devlin has been sentenced to twenty life sentences. He has one more day of court to go. It's still not enough ... I suppose it is not possible for anything to be enough to make up for his atrocities. Even though others say it is more justice to keep him alive and let him suffer the horrors of a pedophile in prison than to put him to death, I'd still rather see him dead. Many would disagree but I view child sexual abuse as equivalent to murder and what this guy did is even worse.

Chase & Run

Running. Panting. Soil in toes. No time to turn around and look. She leaps through the brush ripping her gray dime-store Hanes t-shirt and rolls down the unexpected slope into a mass of a burr-bush. It's time she turn around to fight but reality rips her back into the brush and prickles of blood spot her tee. She begins to dig again, looking for a hide, a way out, only to find cold autumn soil.

Response to the Shield

Dear Shield,

In the past 12 - 18 months i have:

1 farted - so i probably have colon cancer
2 sneezed - this could mean that i have the bird flu
3 had headaches - brain tumor
4 tripped and fell - seizure disorder
5 laughed - schizophrenia
6 tried a schlafly pumpkin spice seasonal brew - alcoholism
7 ingrown toenail - leprosy
8 found hair in comb - radiation exposure of an unknown origin
9 unusual hair on leg - evolutionary morphing
10 sunburn - carcinoma melanoma
11 earache - roach infestation
12 bruise on left thigh - nutritional metabolic disorder
13 sore throat - lymphoma
14 menstrual cramps - toxic shock syndrome
15 took cat to vet - Munchhausen's by proxy
16 excessive profanity - Tourette's Disorder
17 cough - see # 11.
18 shortness of breath after tennis - Congestive Heart Failure
19 fatigue - Lyme disease or lupus
20 stubbed toe - multiple sclerosis

21 thoughts that my HMO would cover illness or injury since I go to work every day and pay them money - DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

Sincerely,
Your Valued Member

We Bear the Cross, The Rich Bear the Shield

Letter from BlueCross BlueShield regarding my change in my employment group:

Dear Valued Member,

Your health care benefits plan includes a preexisting condition exclusion. This means that if you have a medical condition before coming to our plan, you might have to wait a certain period of time before the plan will provide coverage for that condition. This exclusion applies to conditions for which medical advice, diagnosis, care or treatment was recommended or received within the look-back period prior to your enrollment under this plan. Generally, this look-back period ends the day before your coverage becomes affective. However, if you were in a waiting period for coverage, this look-back period ends on the day before the waiting period begins ...

The look back period for this group cannot exceed 6 months.

The exclusion period may last up to 12 months (18 months if you are a late enrollee) from your effective date of coverage, or, if you were in a waiting period, from the first day of your waiting period ...

With three college degrees, the only sense I can make of this letter is that I'm being screwed.

Health Vs Wealth

"Centene Corporation is the St. Louis based leading multi-line health care enterprise that provides programs and related services to individuals receiving benefits under Medicaid, including Supplemental Security Income (SSI) and the State Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP)."

Clayton, Missouri, is the county seat of St. Louis and houses many prominent business; of which, Centene is a player -- though a younger one.

With rapid growth, they reached $1 billion dollars in revenue in 2004 and the CEO was the 19th top salary-maker in St. Louis. Last year, he moved up to 13th with a whopping $950,000 base salary with an extra $3,931,941 in stock awards. Amazing huh? Yet another success in the pocket of managed health care!

However, some time ago, Centene decided that they would like build a $210 million headquarters. To do so, would require the acquisition of other business in the Clayton area. However, instead of working to acquire these properties in a civilized manner, Centene demanded the right for imminent domain and threatened to relocate the business and that their employees were replaceable. Some local business owners were even willing to negotiate with these dictators but this did not matter to Centene. When the city of Clayton rebuked these greedy demands, it finally took the Supreme Court to shut them up.

So what has Centene decided to do now? Why, they've come to the "rescue" of the still-undeveloped new Busch Stadium. Despite being ready to displace their "dispensable" employees, they now claim that they can bring over 1500 jobs to the city. What a turn-around! Centene and city officials say the $250,000,000 development will occupy two blocks of Ballpark Village, including more than 700,000 square feet of office and retail space, parking for more than 1500 cars, and a 180-bed hotel. Wait ... a hotel? ...for a Medicaid provider?

The deal includes $78,000,000 worth of incentives for Centene, including:
- St. Louis tax abatement estimated value $48,000,000.

- St. Louis TIF/MoDESA on economic activity taxes estimated value $26,000,000.

- Chapter 100 Sales Tax/Personal Property Tax Abatement estimated value $4,000,000.

Other incentives include $24,000,000 in New Markets Tax Credits and a C-I-D penny sales tax on the hotel, estimated at $2,000,000. St. Louis will also request Missouri MoDESA financing for a percentage of new incremental state revenue.

Now, let me rephrase the business of Centene in case you missed it above:

"Centene provides programs and related services to individuals receiving benefits under Medicaid, including Supplemental Security Income (SSI) and the State Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP)."

Now, the obvious most moronic-asinine question left is:

How can we let these people make so much money off Medicaid when Medicaid recipients can't even get proper health care?!?!?! ....hell, I can't even get proper health care and I WORK A JOB AND PAY FOR IT!

Nocturnal Chatterings #14

-- I don't know what happened. I was exhausted and ready to go to sleep @ 9pm. Maybe I should have. I thought that if I did then ... well, I don't recall what I thought

++ Maybe it's the Prozac dose uppage. It is known to happen.

-- Crap, I hope not. I hate having to change a medication. Remember the time my face ended up swollen and itchy as if it were going to explode? I hate the ER.

++ I don't think that's likely.

-- Maybe it was the presentation of Enterprise Architect today. That got me excited to manic proportions.

++ I think that was just you being a geek. Maybe you need to start regular exercise again. You've stopped since the new job and the terminal cat.

-- Exercise for the sake of exercise is disgusting.

++ So are dark circles around your eyes.

-- Yes, I am looking like a corpse again, aren't I ... I haven't even been drinking the protein shakes because it is too much trouble to make then have to wash the blender. Damn...

++ ......

-- At least August is over. I hate August. Oh, that reminds me -- the lurkers. I think the lurkers are back. In fact that's probably what's keeping me up and getting me all goofy.

++ Never mind the Rockstar energy drinks and then you had an extra cup of coffee after the noon hour.

-- Oh, yeah, .... forgot about that. Damn ...

Shiny Happy Pills

Surprisingly, I can't say I was disappointed today when my doctor suggested we up my dose of Prozac. I'm on a low dose anyway so it doesn't matter a whole lot. I know -- I had been very proud to be doing well on such a tiny dose. After all, it was hell coming off years of the deadly Effexor. I should be disappointed to have the dose raised; however, it's been a rough year and I'm tired.

I've lived the black depression, am definitely not there now, and do not think I am close but the stress is most certainly affecting my physical health more and more. Nightmares and jaw-clenching have left my head, jaw, and neck in a ton of misery that I'm probably going to have to wear some type of appliance for.

Taking a mood-drug is not something I take lightly and I believe them to be over-prescribed. The majority of people should probably deal with their problems instead of eating a pill. Maybe they are just tired as well.

Odd Random Thoughts: Freud & Boy-Shorts

Someone want to explain this to me? It's not that the fit or shape/style is bad, it's fine, whatever ... but why do a number of these female panties have fake "penis exits?" Is this what Freud was talking about in regards to "Penis Envy"? Were these panties designed by a male or female?

P.lease S.top P.laying II

24 hours on the wagon and the hang-over headache has set in. My hands started shaking over lunch as the discussion at the table focused around the beauty of a totally destructible gaming environment. I went for a walk.

P.lease S.top P.laying !

Symptoms of Heroin withdrawal:

dilated pupils, piloerection (goose bumps), watery eyes, runny nose, yawning, loss of appetite, tremors, panic, chills, na
usea, muscle cramps, insomnia, stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, shaking, chills or profuse sweating, irritability, jitterness

Except for the emesis, I have all of th-th-the ab-bove. OMG.

Ever since the PSP Core was released I have been craving the little demon. Excuse after excuse, I managed to avoid buying one. A while back, the follow-up to the PS2 Metal Gear series was released for the PSP and would be released to NO OTHER console! OMG! ...after Metal Gear: Snake Eater what was I to do!

But I controlled myself, even then. EVEN THEN. After all, I'm not done with my PS2 games and I STILL haven't decided if my next console will be the PS3 or XBOX 360 Elite!

The stress of sick dying animals, bedding woes, etc, got to me -- pushed me over the edge I tell you! The new PSP Slim Daxter package broke me down on Saturday. I don't even like Daxter but it's been attached to my hands like an IV since. Tonight I need to go to sleep so I put it down and the shakes began. Tremors. Sweats. I have even started the new Metal Gear yet! OMG!

No, the browser is not the greatest but I CAN GET ON THE WAN, download games, rss feeds, videos, music, movies, get e-mail. It is too much for one body to endure and I can't stop! Because it's portable, it goes with me everywhere like an addict hooked up to an IV. OMG!

Maybe I shouldn't have deprived myself for so long, oh have mercy ... nonstop for two days ... I may have to break out the bennies. If I start modding and hacking this abomination then I'll never see the light of day again.

Auuuuwwwgghhhhhhh ... the pain !!!

Today I wore black
I have worn black on this day since 2002
Sometimes, I think everyone should wear black on this day
We all lost ... there were no winners ... not even those responsible

oh say can you see...

Here Comes The Black Rain Again

August has always been a difficult month for me so I was glad to see it go. Having just ordered some bedroom furniture and having the past month behind me, I woke up on September 1st quite vibed and ready to go. First thing, I had to take my rescue cat to the vet. He had been doing better but needed a regular check-up so I wasn't worried; that was, until the explosion hit.

Have you ever been near an explosion of such magnitude that you were thrown through the air only to be slammed into a brick wall? Me either, but I've seen it on television and am certain that is how it felt when I left the vet's office last Saturday.

I was told that the cat has a tumor in his intestines and that this is why he cannot digest food very well. They could not determine if surgery was not an option until they did an x-ray to determine if the growth had spread up into his lungs. Fortunately, it had not so the little guy was scheduled to have surgery this past Wednesday. It was crushing but I had hope that the tumor could be removed and, eventually, kitty would be better than before.

It was around noon that Wednesday that I got the call from the vet. There was no way to remove the tumor without taking the pancreas and doing so would only worsen the situation so his seven-inch incision was closed up with two layers of stitches and then stapled together.

I have felt really ashamed to have put him through such trauma for no use. Nothing can be done but wait until the tumor grows large enough so that he cannot digest any food and then, well, you know....

Anyway, I get quite distraught over these types of problems. I guess my August is now his September. What a crappy year he has had: he was abandoned by his family at a shelter, has been extremely ill, and now his guts have been taken out and put back in for no reason.

It's Growing and It's Going To Pop

"the bulge"

As you may recall, I've been sleeping on an air mattress since moving into the apartment seven months ago. The first air mattress started to die about a month ago and now the second one is about explode (see above).

Finally, I ordered a real bed to be delivered next Saturday. Sorry to admit it, but I feel quite guilty about the purchase for the reasons I mentioned previously. However, what am I supposed to do? Have a heart-attack in the middle of the night when the thing blows? Sleep on the floor or sick-cat-vomit-ridden futon? As much Call of Duty 3 I've been playing lately, I'd probably leap through the air yelling "INCOMMMIINNGG!" ...that would get the neighbors going.

Despite my shame, when I look at the picture above I can't help but to get a good laugh at the ridiculousness of me thinking I can continue sleeping in this type of situation! As if I do not have enough back problems as it is! Hell, I'm the one who gave up the FURNISHED HOUSE so don't I deserve a freakin' bed?! It's like, if someone pokes me in the eye then I would ask "did that feel good, you can do it again if it helps you."

Haunted In August III

There was the black darkness of evening with the prelude of nightfall passed. The fire was bright and set everyone aglow. In terror, she ran from the blaze to hide and escape. Trailed, the dead leaves spoke too loudly and betrayed her location. Can humans also speak when they are dead?

::Blank::

Swept up, her small frame was thrown deep into the earth while the rest continued their business.

::Blank::

She began to dig. Frantically. Desperately. Hopefully. Small fingernails scraping into the damp, moist, and cold ground.

::Blank::

Too soon, a bright white light broke from above through the blackness and stripped her digging efforts to nothingness. "Whaaaat you doin', huh?" The white then shatters into millions of tiny pixels and her head was gone.

::Blank::

Corporate Hell #4

After eleven months of working in a hippie-firm, coming and going as I please, wearing sandals and tee-shirts, yesterday marked my first day back in corporate helldom.

Hopefully, it will be better than my last trip through the cubes but I can't say it has started out so great. Like I mentioned, I had become accustomed to getting up when I want and the last month of unemployment didn't help. Stupidly, I drank almost 16 ounces of Rockstar Energy that morning. That's really nothing terribly new for me when I am in the firm clutches of slumber but this time I drank without anything solid in my stomach and I paid for that the rest of the day.

The fall in the parking lot also didn't help as I had to start my first day at work with a bloody and swollen hand. Nice.

HMO and Pharmaceutical Companies: The REAL Sickos

"Keeping people hopeless and pessimistic - see I think there are two ways in which people are controlled - first of all frighten people and secondly demoralize them. An educated, healthy and confident nation is harder to govern."*

I went to the pharmacy today to pick up a refill only to find that my health insurance denied it. I was downsized last month but paid my premium for COBRA so I have no idea what their excuse is this time.


As it just so happens, I caught Michael Moore's most recent documentary, Sicko, at the cinema this weekend. Essentially, the documentary depicts the saga of those of us who pay into our insurance only to get denied care when we need it most.

With his usual dramatic-but-realistic fare, Moore gives a history of how the HMO (Health Maintenance Organization) came into being when the government realized that more money could be made from less care. As a result, many citizens who have worked and paid into health insurance have died due to denial of care.

Brilliantly, he pointed out how well other countries fare much better than the United States with their government-based health care systems. France goes so far as to not only pay new mothers to stay at home but also plays for a person to come in and laundry and other household chores.

In one example, an American man who had two fingertips cut off was given the option of paying $16K for one finger or $60K for the other. He could not afford both so he chose the lesser. There was no insurance to cover either. In contrast, a Canadian man who lost all his fingers had all of them repaired for the cost of $0.

Then, of course, there's the popular example of 9-11 terrorist survivors not getting care in the US but being taken to Havana, Cuba, to receive free quality care.

I'm torn between moving to France versus staying in America to try and help fix these issues. However, what can I do? Can you imagine what type of radical moves it would take to overturn the pharmaceutical and health insurance companies? Being as they have grown so huge, I'm not sure what can be done. I suppose the first thing that I need to do is get a refund from my health insurance payment since I've already paid half of that amount for out-of-pocket medical care and pharmacy.

americanhealthcarereform.org

*Tony Benn

Haunted In August II

wrapped in damp snake-ridden sheets
you left me there bleeding

on the hard yellow-stained tile floor
you left me there bleeding

trapped in the betraying cries of the dead leaves
you left me there bleeding

in the cold moist blackness of dark dirt
you left me there bleeding

stewing numb amidst piercing flames i left you
my craving for the justified taste of your blood unfulfilled

Not for Freedom but for Greed

Quote regarding Hiroshima atomic bomb: "What has been done is the
greatest achievement of organized science in history."

For some reason, I've watched multiple documentaries lately regarding the United States and war. I had always known that my education was sparse regarding the history of America and war remain amazed at my own ignorance. Tonight's documentary was "Why We Fight" by Eugene Jarecki.

Probably among the majority, I have always wondered the REAL reason as to why America attacked Iraq after 9-11-01. I knew it had nothing much to do with Sadaam Hussein but was not aware of specifics. After all, when New York was attacked by terrorists the majority of entire world, including Iraq, seemed to grieve with us. Now the same majority is fast becoming anti-American.

According to this film, the attack of America on Iraq was nothing more than smokescreen to conceal the implementation of a new foreign policy conceived by Dick Cheney in 1992 after the fall of the Soviet Union. This foreign policy essentially documents the goal of the US becoming the only ONE military superpower in the world.

The conception of such a policy was seeded long ago before the current administration. When the US had to build the incredible military power it built during WWII as an intent aid others, another seed began to grow. Eisenhower felt strongly against Nazi practices but hated the dropping of the atomic bomb. The implications of the growth of the US army frightened him. In his exit address to the nation he warned that with this large military growth, "The potential for misplaced power exists."

I was not aware that Japan had already surrendered before the first atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima but that Truman had wanted to frighten Stalin and the world and declare war on communism. The same has now happened in Iraq. Attacking Iraq was a way to say to the world that the US is to be feared. Why is this needed?

I understand using the fortune and resources developed in the US to help others but who are we to force Democracy on anyone else? The answer is that we don't. We do NOT have the right. We have responsibility, not right. We have are leaders infested with greed for money and power.

I suppose this is nothing new to the human race. We want to be the new Rome? Well, from what I recall Rome did eventually fall.

Haunted In August

the ghosts are here tonight chasing me from my bed

*"Can you tell me where I am
Won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Don't cry,
Though there's never a way
Here in August in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune"

*Poe

Judge What?

"The tendency to turn human judgments into divine commands makes religion one of the most dangerous forces in the world.”*

Recently, I have had a hard time determining whether or not someone is good or bad. Such a characteristic can be handy to know. For instance, I don't want to risk any type of vulnerability with someone who seems nice one day but is ripping out my jugular the next. But how can I tell?

A person can do good deeds and have a hateful soul. Likewise, a person can do bad deeds and have a loving soul. Thus the old cliche, "judge the sin not the sinner." I cannot say who is a good person and who is a bad person. Often, though not always, it is easy to decide what is a bad behavior and what is a good behavior. There are consequences to either. For example, if someone kills another person than the crime must be dealt with accordingly regardless of intent or whatever. However, determining what is really going on inside a person is impossible.

I guess the bottom line is that I have not right to say whether or not someone is good or bad. Hitler supposedly loved his dogs. I knew a boy scout leader who was molesting members of his troop. Most likely, I ascertained that it is my duty to determine someones goodness due to old fire-and-brimstone church messages I received in my early years. Most of those messages I have abandoned and this is another useless one I need to get rid of too. This one is harder though because I use it as protection and a means to avoid others.

Indeed, religion can be quite dangerous.

*Georgia Harkness

deroBored

For the past sixteen days I have been unemployed for the first time in my life since I started working at a "real" job. On one hand, I do not want to return to work yet on the other hand, well, IT'S MAKING ME EVEN CRAZIER THAN I WAS BEFORE! ...uhm, sorry...

It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't trapped indoors due to the combination of this incredible heat wave and the flu. That's right, I've caught the winter flu in the middle of summer. An unknown force is surely trying my craziness for the purpose of motivating me to get a new job just to escape this misery. Otherwise, I would be stark-raving delirious with the happiness of a school-kid released into the summer freedom of swimming and fun.

Strangely, it doesn't seem like it's been over two weeks. Information Technology professionals are in high demand which means I have been almost constantly on the phone and emailing regarding thirty different positions in my 20-mile radius alone.

Yes, I do realize how fortunate I am to be in a field where you really don't have to be any good at what you do and I am thankful. If you are a mediocre kiddie-scripter you will be in demand and I am very VERY mediocre.

I often get the interview question "can you describe the difference between polymorphism and inheritance in .NET?" I think I get asked this because so few people really know so I give them the same answer: "the difference between polymorphism and inheritance == (the profit of Microsoft creating new verbiage every couple of years so that they can sell semi-new technology that require costly training and certification * the number of developers and managers desperate enough to pay for a few more letters after their names).

Anyway, Microsoft career problems are for another blog. The fact is that I need fresh air that has oxygen in it and a nose clear enough to breathe it. I'm not supposed to be spending money being that I'm unemployed so shopping and the cinema are ruled out. I tried going to the library further study the advanced features of the .NET 2.0 Framework but it was FREEZING in there and a poltergeist again took control of my nasal passages.

I've watched numerous DVDs and caught up on video games, started 2 new aquariums, and read a couple of novels amidst toting around town meeting with the headhunters. I even feel like I'm getting enough sleep.

In fact, even this post is boring me (look how long it is!) so I'm done for today.

Freedom

At first I told myself that I would just try it out ... what harm could it do? Way too practical, surely I would never become one of those addicts zooming around on speed. However, as usage has become more frequent and as my skill has increased, so has the needle on my speedometer .

I crave turns so low that my pegs scrape the pavement splaying sparks. Back roads through the countryside beg me to pull the throttle wide open. Lying on the tank of my rocket I can't help but to feel fused with this machine. Even the air cannot rip through my kinesthetic fusion and for a short time I am free - flying - zooming - with no intent on destination. There is no better way to perish than to be doing something you love.

I'm Sinking and It's Going to Pop

I hearby declare August to be the worst month known to me. This August alone, I have had my tenth wedding anniversary while separated, lost my job, received a second-degree burn on my leg, caught a flu-like virus, and now the air mattress that I have been sleeping on for the last appears to have a leak.

Yesterday I awoke to a water bed-like experience and thought it was kind of cool. I went ahead and pumped up the mattress before I went to bed but around 5am I again began to experience the water bed-effect so I have retreated to the futon in the living room area where the light is evil first thing in the morning.

So what do I do now? I'm unemployed and need a bed. Get another air mattress? Sleep on the crusty futon? God forbid, buy a real bed?

Buying a real bed brings about numerous conflicts and decisions -- which is why I didn't buy a bed to begin with six months ago:

1. If my husband and I were to get back together then we were planning on buying a king-size bed later on ... but that is expensive and if we don't get back together then I don't need a king-size bed unless my cats continue to enumerate.

2. If I buy a bed, should I buy matching furniture? Like, say, a whole set? If so, should I buy the good stuff that I will want long-term or should I just buy something to "get me through?" ....I guess it could always be in a spare room later.

3. A bed is hard to move. One more large item in means one more large item out and I AM getting out at some point.

I suppose I could attempt to find the hole in that monstrosity (it is a quite large air-mattress, you'd never know it is air unless you lifted up the comforter). Yes that is what I will attempt tomorrow. Not sure what the likelihood of success is but ... geez.

Anyway, August has a very very bad history for me but I won't go there tonight.

FYI Misc. catastrophic happenings in August:

*Proctor & Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening.

*Elvis Presley died at Graceland on a toilet, his Memphis,Tenn., home, from heart failure at age 42.

*The Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre museum in France by an Italian waiter, Vicenzo Perruggia.

*Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

Cracked Head Like a Pipe

an early drawing of myself

i don't know where it started but the dizziness in my head is where I first noticed it. we were sitting on the couch discussing odd relations and trauma and i felt my head begin to swell. temples pounding, i feared my skull would stretch so far apart that my scalp would start to crack open like a sour egg. no crevices were found when my hand finally reached my head but by then i could feel the bitter foul bile rising from my stomach up through my chest and robbing me of my breaths. where were the breaths? who's the thief that stripped the air?

is this the enmeshment that so originally destroyed my life? how did it happen and what the f*ck am i going to do now? there is no safety from it only the most acrid bitter dread and foreboding that falls with the leaves. the leaves are falling early this year and i d*mn them all for no just cause of their own.

how ironic it is to hate anger. alleged righteous anger is the worst of all the angers. it is righteous anger that causes every ounce of me to flinch in terror and causes my body to go into shut-down mode. to have righteous anger you must experience the complete and utter alone and helplessness.

it is easier to just have a temper tantrum or a fit of rage or flip someone off on the road or punch some stranger in a bar. the avoidance of righteous anger is what destroys our society. it is better to bomb than to feel ... to empower by dis-empowering others ... to avoid the limp helplessness of a pile of crap.

I'm Not a Vegan But Still Think All Things Are Created Equal

She tells me, "she's just a cat ... they don't have the same rights as humans." I hear this all the time and haven't thought much of it. Until now.

I'll catch allot of heat over writing this but perhaps all living things should have equal rights. No, I am not a vegan, I eat meat, and yes I would kill an animal or plant for my survival as well as the survival of other humans ... well, most humans anyway ... but think about it: if we treated all living things with respect and care would we NOT be having such environmental problems and would we NOT be having so many wars and terrorists attacks? I'm not saying problems wouldn't occur but do they have to be this bad?

How do we teach people to treat all living things with respect and care? Fortunately, I have the answer to that: we teach others through example and helping them to feel better about themselves. Also, we can make some new laws. Yes, I am already aware that I am an idealistic hippie.

I've had a sick shelter cat for months now. Everyone tells me to take him back to the shelter. My other cat is rather incontinent and people say to get rid of her or lock her up. I consider them as good family so why would I do that?

Because humans have dominance and power does not give us the right to destroy that of others but instead gives us responsibility for the care of others. It's not just survival of the fittest, it is survival for all because if they go then we go.

Nocturnal Chatterings #13

hey, check out this insomnia parody of "the scream" so cool

-- yep, here it is again
++ well, at least it's been a while
-- i suppose
++ furthermore, good solid reason for this one
-- can't really say i know
-- ten years of marriage...a tenth anniversary is supposed to be good right?
++ well, it probably doesn't feel so hot when you're separated
-- right ...
++ it also doesn't feel so hot since you lost your job this week and got a nasty motorcycle burn
-- right, i lost more than a job when i got downsized, i lost a community of geeks similar to myself ... that's hard to find ... but the burn, well, that was HOT
++ maybe this could be an opportunity, that's what we're about right, turning crap into flowers?
-- not really
++ .....

++ ..... i really don't know what to say when you get in these moods

-- how about, say, NOTHING

++ .....
-- it wouldn't be so bad if i knew what i wanted to do with myself. i really don't. i just want to go to the pool everyday and read and swim and have happy thoughts of popcorn and soda and the dvd i'll watch that night
++ you can do it for a while
-- the world is in a state
++ the world has always been in a state
-- one minute a job and insurance, next minute neither. ...there goes my 7-month debt reduction plan, the super pc i was going to build, and the rest of my list ...
++ you'll have to find things to do that do not cost $
-- is there such a thing?
++ ......
-- damn