The Fate of Inspector Javert

" It was my right to die as well

Instead I live... but live in hell."*

In the dark of night he flew to the edge of the bridge with what might his legs would carry him. He had discovered that his dedicated quest was in bitter and scouring vain. Despite his faith in what he believed and fought for, he had failed. The treacherous monster whom he had fought so hard to slay had given him mercy and, thus, also gave him doubt for everything he had held fast to:

"...And must I now begin to doubt,
Who never doubted all these years?
My heart is stone and still it trembles
The world I have known is lost in shadow."

The journey was suddenly meaningless. It might have been better if he'd never have taken it because it only led him to the devastation from which he was already running from and from which he had so dearly hoped to be redeemed.

In my naivete, I used to view Javert as a man to be respected. After all, whether or not his literal goal was worthy of his efforts did not matter because he was a man of integrity who sought truth and justice.

Now...I am no longer sure of my view of Javert. For example, until recently I used to medicate my fish in the hope that they would get better from whatever illness but I realized that I was prolonging their suffering and that it is actually more merciful to make them as comfortable as possible and allow them meet their fate sooner rather than later. Some goals are just not possible and not fair to put others or yourself through.

"I am reaching, but I fall
And the stars are black and cold
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold...
There is nowhere I can turn
There is no way to go on...."*

*"Inspector Javert", Les Miserables, Victor Hugo / Cameron Mackintosh.

Broken

I am afraid that my brain is broken. To do a simple task at work I have to make a detailed plan and then take notes throughout the day to keep myself on track. Abilities that I once had are gone. Over the weekend I found myself staring blankly at the wall on multiple occasions.

I cannot sleep. When I do eventually fall asleep I have nightmares that wake me up. I can feel the insomnia affecting my health and my fibro pain has been high. Nothing else is known that I can try. I've done traditional and non-traditional therapies and I am broken throughout.

Many times, I have experienced the rest of the world as through a tunnel. Other people speak to me and their voices are muted and far away. I now crave simple things like touch and personal conversation. There is really nothing I can say. I used to watch people, including myself, from above and could not get down to their level, nor did I want to.

Now I just want to function well, sleep, and be healthy. I want health with rosy cheeks and a calm stomach. Not a pale face with darkened eyes and a stomach and back that prevents me from standing up straight at times. I do not know how to fix this which has been broken.

Step Five: Rebuilding

"Danger past. The feeling that something was gone. Something that was part of you. Something that you needed. It protected you. The violence that you wore like a cloak of honor. The feeling that you could protect your world with fists has gone. It's not leaking out of you, it's pouring away, fast fast, faster. You're of no use to it any more. Maybe...maybe now you can fly with the gods."*

Warm and steamed with soap, I sat in a hot tub tonight in attempt to allow the recent stress to melt away and go spinning down the drain. After three nights of unrest the cats have quieted down and I got a little sleep.

Though I have no clue what lies ahead, I try to savor what little calm I can. I've eaten some food, brushed my hair, and slathered my skin with lotion -- things I have not been able to do for a while.

In the movie 16 Years Of Alcohol, Frankie managed to get a touch of peace. By slowing down his frantic running, he was able to take a look at what he was running from and stare the beast in the eye.

It is unclear what exactly happened to Frankie after his past literally caught up to him and beat him to a bloody pulp as he lay still on the concrete. We do not know if he got back up from the attack but it is clear that he had recognized the recurrent destructive patterns of his life and had given them up. Even if it meant the death of him, he would not participate in the violence of his life:

"If everything that you'd ever ruined fell from the sky at this moment...then the world would be covered in darkness. Is this what you really wanted -- is this the dream? Do you have it now? ...The shape of your journey -- at last you can see it. Maybe it's time to start the clocks ticking again. Look time in the face and forget about the past. Stop the past leaking into your heart. "*

Though the Gillian Welch folksy-love-song playing at the end of the movie implies the love relationship between Frankie and his girlfriend I can't help but to wonder if it is really a love song about Frankie finding his way back to his own true self:

"Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come molest my soul
I dream a highway back to you.

Step into the light, poor Lazarus
Don't lie alone behind the window shade
Let me see the mark death made
I dream a highway back to you.

What will sustain us through the winter?
Where did last years lessons go?
Walk me out into the rain and snow
I dream a highway back to you.

Oh I dream a highway back to you love
A winding ribbon with a band of gold
A silver vision come and bless my soul
I dream a highway back to you"

The first step was HOPE. The second step was BETRAYAL. The third step was THE WAR. The fourth step was THE DECISION. The fifth step will be REBUILDING. I HOPE the sixth step will be a peaceful prologue.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

The Third Attempt

Yep, this weekend marks the third attempt to dwell in the apartment. I had been exhausted, crazed, and had some sort of jaw-joint pain problem -- I assume from nightly jaw clenching -- so I took last week and stayed home. Until tonight.

I can't sleep due to strange noises in this old place: creaks, pecking, popping.

I did finally get Milo the cat over here and that was very helpful. Later, to my surprise, my husband brought over my other cat. I know it was a big effort on his part to do that because he loves our cats as much as I. Shamefully, I am immensely relieved to have them here. Though still not enough to put me to sleep for very long, his benevolent act and the presence of the cats have calmed me significantly.

They are adapting much better that I had thought they would. Their curiosities have moved them to explore all the new nooks and smells.

With the aluminum windows, it is drafty here so I am open to suggestions as to how to get rid of the draft. I can't imagine what the heating bill will be but the chill is not helpful to my myriad of fibro issues.

The Second Attempt

Why do I follow through with things that I do not want to do? What ever gets into my head to begin with? Time is so short yet I am spending it alone and exactly without those with whom I want to be with.

Milo the cat is home in bed waiting for me. I know because I just left him there. The other cats don't know yet but Milo knows...he's a smart one.

My husband was standing at the door when I left so I didn't look back. The howling began at the back of my throat and escaped again so that I did not know if I would make the drive.

This is supposed to be our second chance...a time to regroup and start fresh...but it may kill me in the process and that doesn't seem right to me. I have no idea what I am doing, I do not know why I am doing it, and it doesn't feel right.

"Tell me when I can open my eyes
I don’t want to walk out that door
There’s no easy way to get through goodbye
I’d probably try and talk myself into staying once more

Or I’d lie and say it’s all for the best
Wish you luck and say I have no regrets
But I’m not up to being strong
So I’ll wait until I'm gone
Is it over yet...

My car's waiting in the driveway for me
I'd call your name, I guess I'm ready to leave
I could use help with a suitcase or two
But I’m afraid I’m gonna wind up down on my knees

I should tell you that I want to go
I really need to spend some time on my own
Smile and say goodbye
So you don’t see me dying inside...
Is it over yet..."*

*Wynonna, "Is It Over Yet," Tell Me Why.

The Attempt

In a far away voice I hear "Hey, hey..."

Half awake I see my spouse standing at the top of the staircase.

"I'm going to a basketball game tonight and will be home late," he says.

Trying to focus, I do not understand. Surely, I am not hearing correctly. This is supposed to be my last night at home before our allegedly temporary separation when I move from the comforts of my home into the crummy apartment without carpeting. I thought we would have dinner and watch the movie I rented just for him so, in my genius, I just respond "What?" Surely I am hearing incorrectly...

"I'm going to work a basketball game tonight and will be home late," he says again. Then he is off and I am left alone.

Hearing the door shut I begin to cry hysterically. Another failed communication. All the scabs are gone again and I am bleeding profusely. Not sure exactly what has happened, the howling of everything lost begins to escape from my throat and I continue to cry like a 2-year-old.

Maybe I should just leave now. If I can pull myself together, I should just gather the last of my belongings together and go. It might be easier than dealing with the miserable anticipation.

Not quite an hour later, I begin to think that I must have misunderstood so I phone him. "Are you going to be home for dinner?"

"No, I will be home late. " he responds and I cry harder.

I try to tell him that I am going to go ahead and leave but the sobs interfere and he cannot understand me so I just leave it at that and hang up.

I begin to throw my stuff together and pitch it into the car. Entertained and curious, the cats watch my latest activity and I try not to look at them very much knowing that I will die if I do. Milo the cat and I had some good cuddles today during my nap and...oh well...

At the apartment, I try to make myself eat something. I brought one fork, one spoon, and a knife as utensils so I guess I'll be doing dishes. Thirsty, I try to open a bottle of vitamin water but do not have the muscle for it so I focus on putting away my things for a while before I sit.

I know he is going to expect me to be there when he gets home tonight and the thought of him finding the feeble note I left eats at me. I know I am not thinking clearly but I do not want him to come home to an empty house with a note when he is not expecting it so I hook up my laptop, watch some Napoleon, pace, and cry.

I begin to phone him at home every five minutes but he does not answer. I worry. I wonder what the cats are doing and think how they have no idea what is happening. Milo is probably waiting in bed for me as usual. Unsuccessfully, I phone again.

Then the idea hits me: it is possible for me to hurry back home, remove the note, he will not have to face the empty house for tonight, and I will have another night in my bed with the cats.

Praying, I drive like a crazed bat and arrive at home to find everything as I had left it. I rip the note off the tv and check the answering machine to hear that he will is going out with some friends and will be home even later. I sigh relief and crawl into bed where Milo is waiting.

Senior Citizens & Breakfast At McDonalds

Man 1: "World's goin' to hell in a hand-basket..."

My Thought: "I think it went a long time ago."

Man 1: "...I've got so many red spots on me that I can't count that high."

Man 2: "Yep."

My Thought: "Must be talking about liver spots. I had tons of red splotches on me after that hot shower last night. Skin is dry from the winter...itchy itchy..."

Man2: "Tell you what...those damn kids today are killin' themselves in those tanning beds. Talk about spots...Good Lord..."

My Thought: "I was just thinking that last week! Carcinoma city!"

Man 1: "Kids...all got to have one of those 4x4's too.

Man 2: "Yep and they probably ain't been in the woods once. Don't know why they need those huge things...killin' us all...takin' the gas..."

My Thought: "I was just thinking about that a few days ago! People killing the environment with SUVs...why do people need an SUV in the city?"

Man 1: "Look at that old car..." (pointing to an elderly woman pulling in lot with a large car)

Man 2: "Yep, why she need such a large car...to go to the grocery store once a week?"

My Thought: "I was just thinking the same thought about a lady yesterday! Are they safer in those cars? How can they even see in those boats? I have enough trouble parking my sports car..."

Man 2: "I tell you another thing, I'm so sick of reading bumper stickers. I want a bumper sticker with NOTHING on it."

My Thought: "I hate bumper stickers too...I get tired of reading about other people's religions, politics, dumb puns... GEEZ -- HOW OLD AM I?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

Man 2: "Yep...world sure is going to hell in a hand-basket..."

My Thought: "...so must I..."