I Must Find That Which Was Lost

"I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls
With vassels and serfs at my side,
And of all who assembled within those walls
That I was the hope and the pride.
I had riches all too great to count
And a high ancestral name.
But I also dreamt which pleased me most
That you loved me still the same"*

Major life decisions are usually hard and complicated. They tend to sweep me under like a huge salty wave. Often, they involve causing hurt to others and this is very painful to me. Avoiding any harm, I put off major decisions as long as possible. Not until the point of losing more of my soul is upon me that I give in and make painful decisions.

I lost my soul a very long time ago. Thought stolen and/or dead, I believed I would never get it back. Often, I have not even wanted to try because if I ever were to get it back then the grief reminder from the loss would be to great for me to even breathe.

Tonight, I looked at my favorite cat and said to myself, "I love him so much. He is an embodiment of part of my very soul and I love him dearly. I do not know how I would live without him." Then it struck me what I had essentially said: that I loved my own soul. The thought of loving my soul...my essence..my very self... This causes feelings of shame to overwhelm me and that is sad.

"Only night will ever know
Why the heavens never show
All the dreams there are to know"*

I do not know what to say about this. It is too personal yet too foreign. I'll just cite a song that give me hope that I will find my whole soul again:

"Fallen Embers"

"Once, as my heart remembers,
All the stars were fallen embers.
Once, when night seemed forever
I was with you.

Once, in the care of morning
In the air was all belonging.
Once, when that day was dawning.
I was with you.

How far we are from morning.
How far are we
And the stars shining through the darkness,
Falling in the air.

Once, as the night was leaving
Into us our dreams were worth keeping.
Once, all dreams were worth keeping.
I was with you.

Once, when our hearts were singing,
I was with you."*

*Enya, "A Day Without Rain" & "Paint the Sky With Stars"