Bunch Of Smelly Water

Ok, I give. ... JUST for tonight ...

I honestly do not know what to do when the panic hits. Tonight it is my job. I hate what I do. Honestly -- I purely hate it. My life is so overwhelmed with keeping up with the latest technology and taking certification exams that I do not know how to actually program anything anymore. No matter where I go, I cannot win. If I work in corporate helldom then I am suffocated but if I work in small innovative shops then I am overwhelmed. Either way, the result is the same: I want to rip out my jugular and bleed all over the place.

I have no time for anything now but even though I am busy, nothing gets done at work or at home. I came home to an odd odor today and just now realized that it is the empty fish tank where all the fish have died and/or disappeared. That is not how I take care of aquariums yet here I sit looking at it and smelling it and yet doing nothing. It is completely disgusting. I supposed I could just start draining water into the front lawn at 2am?

No, I am not on my medication. They reduced the dosage due to blood pressure and serotonin-related problems again. I supposed insanity is better than a stroke? Either way I die so don't ask me.

I've been in this damn apartment for over a year now and that is of no help. I hate therapists and husbands because neither one knows jack-shit about me:

"Yes, I am being courteous and caring ... that is who I am, right? ... oh well so I must be fine despite the fact that I slit the vein up my left leg last night and will have to do the other tonight after dealing with your mugs that don't have a damn clue so I give up ... unless I scream and throw myself into the floor no one pays attention and I don't have the damn energy for that ... can't anyone just apply some simple logic here? i DID say that i was having some mood problems due to the medication change and felt quite manic but no one believed me and by God I couldn't stop my ramblings ... not having a problem? how about that $800 I blew earlier in the day when I do not have $800 to burn? ... every time I leave it's like I drank a bottle of haterade and lost $50 in the process ... still married but severely lonely and throwing duckets into hole without earning escrow ..."

So there, maybe that's the root of my AM tonight. Yeah, I know; that's another story for another blog post but damn it is not my job to be the therapist now matter how I set myself up. Currently, it would be good if I would just crack the C# open and not fix whatever crap is broken now but I think I'm going to go empty allot of smelly water.