In a year from now I will turn forty. I never thought I would live this long and I'm not even sure it's quite true. My body says it is so. It seems like if I am really this old then I should be in a different position from where I am. For example, I would think that I would be in my own home with my own family and friends with a nice retirement fund to ease me into old age. Instead, I am anti-social and single -- living in a rental property with two cats and allot of financial debt.
To make matters worse, I'm still up to my nose in the middle of a therapy I thought I would be growing out of by now. I still play allot of video games and frequently live off cereal. The only thing I've done responsibly is manage to wean myself from Lucky Charms to Cheerios. It was just a year ago that I was just getting out of the hospital for having tried to stop my heart by taking too many beta-blockers. Up until last month I have remained in the outpatient program to "rehabilitate myself back to society and sustain meaningful employment." That cost me $1200 in co-payments ... but I did, however, receive the non-redeemable coin as pictured above. Maybe next year will be better.
To make matters worse, I'm still up to my nose in the middle of a therapy I thought I would be growing out of by now. I still play allot of video games and frequently live off cereal. The only thing I've done responsibly is manage to wean myself from Lucky Charms to Cheerios. It was just a year ago that I was just getting out of the hospital for having tried to stop my heart by taking too many beta-blockers. Up until last month I have remained in the outpatient program to "rehabilitate myself back to society and sustain meaningful employment." That cost me $1200 in co-payments ... but I did, however, receive the non-redeemable coin as pictured above. Maybe next year will be better.
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2 comments:
Good Post*
Among the mutants that I count as friends, the sentiments you express are familiar.
As a matter of fact, you hit on an interesting phenomenom when you talk about not believe your age (or words to that effect).
At the Doctrine we refer to this as the age we 'lock-in at'; kind of tough to describe but will try;
say you are walkin down the down the sidewalk and you happen to glance at your reflection in a store window. For the tiniest split second you will not recognise that person as you.
That is because you have locked in at an age and *that* person would look different. If you can catch the sense in your mind of the reflection that you were expecting to see (instead of the real reflection) you will know what age you lock-in at, at what age you stopped getting older.
Stop by the Doctrine and say hello sometime, be glad to hear from like-minded lifeforms.
*given what I produce as a blog, this is a genuine compliment, lol
My grandmother told me on her 76th birthday (I was about 19) that everytime she looked in a mirror it was a shock because inside she was still 19...in fact, I think it was my birthday. I am now 70 minus one year and 10 months!!! Life can be difficult, and not what we want it to be. I know that, depression has been a decades long battle. I had to force myself to take each step that would be unknown....and therefore maybe painful....ones current pain is known and therefore safe. I don't mean to preach... each step into the unknown leads to a new place and thank God I finally took that leap (it didn't feel like a step)
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