Conversations With Ignorance #1.02

ignorance: Do you know anything about drug testing because I'm in a bind...iasli hidfh :::gibberish:::
me: Not really...why?
ignorance: I have to take a drug test for the new job.
me: Why is that a problem?
ignorance: I might have accidentally smoked some cocaine.
me: :::gives dead stare:::
me: ...accidentally?
ignorance: I was at a friends house last night and grabbed his cigarette and there was cocaine on it so now it might be in my body!!!
me: How does that even happen?
ignorance: He had been doing cocaine and there was some in the ashtray!
me: So why did you smoke his cigarette?
ignorance: I didn't know!
me: You didn't realize there was cocaine around you?
ignorance: No! I don't do drugs. I don't think I felt anything so maybe I didn't get enough in me, what do you think?
me: Just come clean with your employer and tell them that you hang out with druggies and may have accidentally ingested some.
ignorance: Really?
me: NOT.
me: Go to Walgreen's over lunch, bring it back here, and we'll all take a look at it.
ignorance: :::exits to Walgreen's:::

Nocturnal Chatterings #3

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: 18.25 Milligrams and Holding....

- I don't think I can blame it all on the Effexor and Serotonin issue anymore. Something else has happened. Sick in the bathroom eight times today. I can feel something chewing away my stomach lining. I'm wondering if an alien has indeed crawled up my ass and should I phone Sigourney Weaver.

- The girls say I'm wasting time on therapy, being brainwashed.

+ I think the girls need brainwashing. You certainly do not want to end up like ignorance 1.*.

- I can't tell for sure. Everyone keeps me at arms-length. I am feared and am not sure why. Is it because I'm quiet or is it because they can sense my radiation leak or do I send out hidden messages to stay-the-hell away.

- I do not know how long is too long for any given situation. You stay a decade with someone then BANG you wonder what happened and why you didn't take the job overseas.

Conversations With Ignorance #1.01

ignorance: Lawyers are too expensive!!! i got ahosid arrested aoshi khidh khraphali ::gibberish::
me: you got what?
ignorance: those assholes arrested me this weekend
me: the police arrested you?
ignorance: yeah they asihd hli left ihlis walk home dark
me: why were you arrested?
ignorance: they arrested me for trespassing when I went on the (gambling) boat this past weekend and I'm going to sue
me: didn't you have your name put on the state gambling addictions list so that you would not be allowed on the boat without being arrested?
ignorance: yeah, but that was two years ago
me: doesn't the list last for five years?
ignorance: nobody told me
me: ...but you signed the paper telling you...
ignorance: yeah, but it was dangerous because then they made me walk all the way across town in the dark back to my car at the boat. I could have been attacked! I bought some beer so that I would look like a street bum.
me: ...
ignorance: I'm gonna sue for defamation of character and endangerment.
me: ...but you had put yourself on the list...
ignorance: yeah, but sidh lih ehi ...I've been making allot of money at online casinos and remember Vegas last month?
me: ...didn't you get beat up there?
ignorance: those d*mn ...
me: ...
ignorance: I've got to get a lawyer before my first court date! I'm not sure I can defend myself.
me: ...
me: just tell the judge this - "Hey Judge, bet you five dollars that I'm not an addict!"
ignorance: ...I don't know if that will work...

Girls On Motorcycles

I can gauge allot about a person by just mentioning that I ride a motorcycle. Perhaps because I come across as being more on the feminine side of female, I have come across no one who would ever guess that I am commando of my own crotch-rocket. In any event, the reactions from others basically reveal two types of people:

1. Someone who gets defensive and/or critical. If male: penis and manhood issues are evident. If female: lack of own personal freedom.
2. Someone who thinks it's cool. If male: "I love to ride" or "Girls who ride motorcycles ARE HOT." If female: "I love to ride" or "I want to ride" or "That's NOT for me.

It's really has been a long and rocky road to owning my own bike. I've wanted some sort of motorbike since I was about five but was repeatedly denied because of danger and being a girl. My father actually bought me a "broken" three-wheeler at one point and claimed that he would "fix it up" for me. It sat in the tool shed for over a year before he informed me that it was junk and sold it to someone. It's amazing how the bike went from completely broken down one day to happily being ridden by a boy (half my age at the time) across town the following day. In any event, I had allot of good imaginary rides on that bike.

When I did finally decide to take a motorcycle class a couple of years ago, I provided those around me with my usual type of amusement. However, it was when I actually went out and bought a motorcycle that the craziness ensued. Everyone who had been previously amused was then loudly vocalizing their disapproval of my decision. Sample comments:

• "You are too tiny to ride a motorcycle."
• "Motorcycles are too dangerous for you."
• "You are going to get yourself killed."
• "You are a girl and are not supposed to be on a motorcycle."
• "You are crazy."
• "Why, it just goes against nature!"
  

Two years later, most of the negative comments have disappeared but people remained preoccupied with it. Instead of "How are you doing?" questions, I get asked "Are you still riding your motorcycle?" To a couple of people who are really silly-obsessed over it, I have started making up stuff like: "Yeah, I've turned the blocks around the mall into my own personal racetrack" or "Yeah, I actually scraped some sparks off my footpegs going around Big Bend the other day." or "Yeah, I cut thirty-minutes off my commute yesterday by passing on the curb on 270." (When people hear "motorcycle," they incorrectly assume that I am a careless speed-demon who weaves in and out of traffic at 150mph.)

Life is too hard to not do what you enjoy in order to please the expectations of others. I had more to say on the subject but blogspot lost the original version of this post so I had to revert to a back-up. I'll just end with some quotes from the late racecar driver Dale Earnhardt Sr.:

"Finishing races is important, but racing is more important. "
“You can't let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones.”
"The winner ain't the one with the fastest car its the one who refuses to lose”

Conversations With Ignorance and People Who Make More Money Than I #1

::phone rings::
me: hello
ignorance: hey, whassup?
me: not much
ignorance: hey we're happyghoudrhaosodijfapsoiijaisdhahd ::gibberish::
me: slow down and repeat - I can't understand you
ignorance: there's probably going to be a happy hour for me this wednesday to celebrate my last day at the old job.
me: I thought you gave up happy hours and smoking...for the 6th time this year...
ignorance: the American Lung Association told me not to quit smoking
me: ... come again?
ignorance: ::repeats self::
me: ... you actually SPOKE to the American Lung Association?
ignorance: yeah, they said to not quit smoking right now since I'm having a major life change (job change)
me: ...
ignorance: it's for the best anyway since I'm on a buttload of codeine.
me: ... (afraid to ask)
ignorance: I'm in allot of pain
me: ::giving in:: what did you do?
ignorance: me and my buddies were bowallihp asiuh asdhuihe asdhfh wii
me: slow down and repeat - I can't understand you
ignorance: me and my buddies were bowling on the Nintendo Wii and I threw the ball too hard and smashed my hand into a light bulb and ...ashid hiosihf asoihd jijfe ::gibberish::
me: ...
ignorance: I didn't want to go to the ER but there was so much blood it wouldn't stop bleeding! I had to get twelve stiches and then shreoiw hsidfhioh sldkj hihsih ... ::gibberish::
me: ...
ignorance: ...so anyway, I'll call you later and let you know where the happy our will be. I didn't quite make it in to work todasdih hisdili ashdjfh iohehks ::gibberish::
me: k

Hope #6

After a ruthless 24 hours of expelling my insides from every orifice, chills, tremors, hysteria, cramping, and parathesia, stopping the 18.75 mg just did not work. It seems I have not been able to keep food in my body for more than six hours for the past four weeks. Now taking Levbid, Immodium, Prilosec, and Emetrol for the GI distress alone, I wish I'd started Heroin instead. I do not recall a disclaimer for SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome, Serotonin Syndrome, or anything of the kind when I started this poison a decade or so ago.

If 95% of Serotonin is secreted by the gut, what does it mean to my body if Serotonin re-uptake has been inhibited for a decade and then is overwhelmed by Serotonin to the point of toxicity and near-death then is forced to go back to normal functioning? Is it too broken? I have lost time over the past eleven months due to some sort of Serotonin/Effexor-related catastrophe. I wish I had been given a choice to begin with.

Hope #5

i am the sore that they fear -- the one they avoid -- the pain that they run from -- the girl under the bed whose head -- fragile as an eggshell -- cracks to reveal the betrayal and hopelessness that they hate -- the one who runs naked and exposed through the cemetery mind -- the one they choose to avoid because they fear themselves but it is i who suffer as well -- left alone and abandoned to be eaten alive by the infections of my own sores -- the gnawing away -- the destruction and collapse of the shell -- freezing, shivering, sweating, raw and open with tremors i expel the acidic evidence boiling in the pit of my stomach up into my throat and down onto the discarded jeans next to my bed on this my first complete day without any effexor for the past lost decade....

Bullet In A Bible #4

...Born and raised by hypocrites.

Hearts recycled but never saved

from the cradle to the grave

we are the kids of war and peace

from anahem to the middle east

we are the stories and disciples of

the jesus of suburbia

land of make believe

and it dont believe in me and i dont care!

At less that a week old, I had already had my first trip to church. Up until not long ago, I attended weekly services more often than not for the next thirty years in a non-Catholic but typical Jesus-based denomination. A few years ago after the "DaVinci Code" and other related phenomena, I seriously began to question the beliefs that I had been taught my entire life. I switched faiths despite my fear of being executed down by the almighty strike of lightening and it was quite a big event that gave me stomach-aches for a number of months (my childhood religion was one of the "fire and brimstone variety".) It's an inevitable event in the life of anyone who chooses to take the path of personal growth: to question and seek out one's own belief in a higher power.

Though I have been very pleased with my decision to change faiths, I still have many questions and even more doubts that plague me. I keep telling myself that I am only asking the same questions that have been asked for generations:

• Did Jesus exist?
• Was Jesus divine?
• How can God allow bad things to happen?
• Do any of these issues even matter if you lead an honorable, noble, and loving life?

I tend to answer the last question with a big "no," yet I still cannot get myself to attend services any longer. If there is one thing that I cannot do is participate in an activity that I do not believe in or pretend to be someone that I am not and I have not decided on either.

I do believe that the role of decent churches in a community is vital. No matter what the details are of the religious premise, truly loving churches provide a resource to those in need. I fear what would happen if there were no churches to hand out coats and food to the poor or minister to those who have lost loved ones or to just support each other. So if I believe in churches and faith so much then what is my problem? Why am I no longer participating in something I believe in? Is it the late Sunday mornings at IHOP I have been enjoying? Am I too bitter over my childhood bruises? Have I seen too much beyond-the-norm hypocrisy (so I've become a part of it)? Is it too painful to see nice people who do not yell and scream during services? Because nothing is simple, it is probably all of the above and then some.

I have no answer and another Sunday approacheth. At this time, I live the life of a powerless being flopping about helplessly and struggling to just breathe until I am either able to pick myself up and throw myself back in, I get kicked in the backside, or just die.

the best darn archeological religious stuff around is here

Nocturnal Chatterings #2

- i never know whether or not to lay here or get up. maybe i should blog.

+you've already blogged once tonight and need your sleep

-i took the ambien with no success. It might have to do with the new titration from 37.5 mg to 18.75 mg. It's been almost a week and no hysteria but plenty of other problems.

+still could be the withdrawal, you should get some rest. you are developing medical conditions.

-therapy was strange tonight. they still think i have trauma issues to resolve. i don't want to be angry like they want me to be. anger ends up making me cry and i don't want to.

+the sooner you get on the matter then the sooner it will be over.

-but i don't believe that anymore --that there is some type of end--i've seen no proof of it. I can't take any more pills of any nature because a limb may fall off or something else equally disastrous.

+ ...

-i'm thinking about doing a "girl in a bar" adventure blog.

+would this girl be someone we know, dare i ask?

-of course not, purely fictional yet symbolic of anyone

+.... i thought you were doing Green Day blogs this week.

-oh, ok, hold on...i think i have something:

Brain Stew
I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by, still I try
No rest for crosstops in my room
On my own, here we go

My eyes feel like they're going to bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry, my face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own, here we go

My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine, my sense is dulled
Passed the point of delirium
On my own, here we go

Bullet In A Bible #3

"[Hrmph...(coughing into microphone)]...MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?!!! THE REPRESENTATIVE FROM MISSOURI NOW HAS THE FLOOR!...

...Seek out to the president gasbag !
Bombs away is your punishment !
Pulverize the Eiffel tower
who criticized your government !
Bang bang goes the broken glass man -
Kill all the fags that don't agree !
Triumph by fires, sinning buyers !
Is that a way that's meant for me ?

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies !
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives !"

--Billie Joe Armstrong / Green Day

Bullet In A Bible #2

"REMEMBER ONE THING: Regardless of who the powers that be are - the people that you elect (and) the people that I elect into office - remember that we have the fucking power -we're the fucking leaders! Don't let these bastards dictate your life and try to tell you what to do!" --Bille Joe Armstrong/GreenDay

How many election-related blogs will there be this week? If I am doing Green Day blogs this week, then there is no way that I CAN'T mention voting. Personally, I rarely vote because I believe in the person or the issue. If anything, I vote because I believe in the principle.

I think that the higher up an official is, the less I am voting for him or her but am voting for a group of people whose faces and names I've probably never seen or heard. These people are mostly "yes-men/women." Mostly manipulative, self-serving, and malicious, these people will stop at nothing to get what they want --including rigging and hacking the voting boxes.

It is not enough to just go and vote but we also have to ASSURE that our votes are counted properly with no tampering. The current software used for voting machines, alone, is enough to destroy any chances of a fair election. The software company, DIEBOLD, has openly admitted for the past two years that they purposely left a backdoor into their software "so that election officials would be able to update their systems easily." They go on to justify these actions by claiming: "For there to be a problem here, you're basically assuming a premise where you have some evil and nefarious election officials who would sneak in and introduce a piece of software... I don't believe these evil elections people exist."

"I DON"T BELIEVE THESE EVIL ELECTIONS PEOPLE EXIST"! IS THIS FOR REAL? Hearing this makes me want to become an extremist. I should just write in Nancy Grace on my ballot for president during when those elections come along.

Green Day at the Imperial war Museum: "Hiroshima: they made a gallery of other people's pain..."

St. Louis Ballot

Diebold

Bullet in A Bible #1

"I'm the son of rage and love - the jesus of suburbia - from the bible of "none of the above"
on a steady diet of soda pop and ritalin ... but there's nothing wrong with me - this is how i'm supposed to be - in the land of make believe - that don't believe in me..."

Green Day's "Bullet In A Bible" album (the live version of the "American Idiot" album) has been out for over a year now but I still get chills listening to it or watching the DVD. It perfectly represents the war within us so, of course, I have allot to say about it. Actually, to me, it's not so much an album to talk about but to feel. The main songs that get to me are "Jesus of Suburbia", "American Idiot", "Wake Me Up When September Ends", and "Holiday."

The quote above is from Billie Joe Armstrong, the lead of Green Day, referencing their rock-opera-like piece "Jesus of Suburbia." In regards to this piece he stated, "...Jesus of Suburbia scared the shit out of me, there's too much emotion at stake there. The first two lines alone scare the living piss out of me but excite me as well. It was opening up something that dug up some past demons that I thought I had closed off long time ago but never reconciled. It's about all the emotional baggage we come with and finally having an outlet for it."

Here are some quotes from fans during the infamous New England concert:

"People want the voice"

"Green Day challenges people to think about life."

"Green Day is all about being who you are...a
minority...and not being afraid of anything else.
You've got to be who you are and not be scared of
that. They bring out something you didn't know
you had before and if anyone tells you otherwise
you just have to give them the finger.

All of us want a voice and most of us have a hard time finding ours because it has been stuffed down into the deep recesses of our souls. In yet another age of war and tragedy, Green Day brings words to feelings most of us can't express. Truly from their punk-rock roots, they empower all the stereotypical "geeks and queers" who get beat up on the playground and loudly declare it ok to be whoever we may be.

The encouragement is emplowering for the masses in times of need, including myself but the question lies in what do each one of us do with this? Do we ignore it and shrug it off? Does it make us angry? Does it make us sad? If so, what do we do about that? What constructive act can I do to bring purpose to crap in my own life or is there anything? I'd like to be a leader of a rock-n-roll band too but I think I'm past the prime for that. So should I just take pills and stare at the tv or rally at the courthouse or just hold someone's hand? Should I leave the cube-farm at work and head to war-torn Africa? Or should I be an emotional head-case? It really is a big question if you let it be. What would you do?

Another Billy Joe quote : "People ask me what would I do with myself if I weren't in Green Day and I say 'I AM Green Day.' If I weren't in a band I would STILL BE Green Day because I do what I am."