the rest of my life

when i was small someone put me in a hole. she said "when you have to go out, pretend you are normal but always remember where you belong. crawl down there and stay or else."

she needn't threaten. i did not know how to get out. i still don't.

FU

#1:

#2:

#3:

JAR

My friend drove off the other day,
Now he's gone and all they say,
Is you got to live 'cause life goes on...

But now I see I'm mortal, too,
I can't live my life like you,
Got to live it up, while life goes on.

And I think that it's all right,
That I do what I like,
'Cause that's the way I want to live.
it's how I give, and I'm still givin'...

And now I wonder 'bout my friend,
If he gave all he could give,
'Cause he lived his life like I live mine.

If you could see inside my head,
Then you'd start to understand,
The things I value in my heart.

And I think that it's all right,
That I do what I like,
'Cause that's the way I want to live.
it's how I give, and I'm still givin'...

You know that...
I know that...
You're watchin' me!

And I think that it's all right,
That I do what I like,
'Cause that's the way I wanna live.
it's how I give, and I'm still givin'...

Got to make a plan,
Got to do what's right,
Can't run around in circles,
If you wanna build a life,
But I don't want to make a plan,
For a day far away,
While I'm young and while I'm able,
All I want to do is...

Still Nothing

In a year from now I will turn forty. I never thought I would live this long and I'm not even sure it's quite true. My body says it is so. It seems like if I am really this old then I should be in a different position from where I am. For example, I would think that I would be in my own home with my own family and friends with a nice retirement fund to ease me into old age. Instead, I am anti-social and single -- living in a rental property with two cats and allot of financial debt.

To make matters worse, I'm still up to my nose in the middle of a therapy I thought I would be growing out of by now. I still play allot of video games and frequently live off cereal. The only thing I've done responsibly is manage to wean myself from Lucky Charms to Cheerios. It was just a year ago that I was just getting out of the hospital for having tried to stop my heart by taking too many beta-blockers. Up until last month I have remained in the outpatient program to "rehabilitate myself back to society and sustain meaningful employment." That cost me $1200 in co-payments ... but I did, however, receive the non-redeemable coin as pictured above. Maybe next year will be better.

Economy-Sized Dreams of Hope

I Can Teach You In Three

How I Feel About Your Car

A short while back, I began to notice emotional reactions I have to certain vehicles. The Toyota Camry gives me the creeps and I want to take a bat to the Nissan Maxima. Some automobiles bring out feelings of rage while others bring me to tears.

It was not long before I associated my extreme emotions to those people I know who own similar cars. Many times I did not even realize I was angry at someone until I felt the urge to smash their car to bits.

In any event, it has been insightful. If I don't know how I feel about someone then I picture their vehicle and suddenly my feelings are clear.