Deabilification Of Akathisia (or Chemical Torture)

"Akathisia is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless ... The condition is difficult for the patient to describe and is often misdiagnosed ... more antipsychotic neuroleptics may be prescribed, potentially worsening the symptoms. High-functioning patients have described the feeling as a sense of inner tension and torment or chemical torture."


The doctors and nurses tell me that it is very rare for someone to have akathisia as a side-effect when taking Abilify yet at least half of everyone I've come across who takes this medication complains of some form of restlessness. There are some professionals who believe this side effect is purposely hidden by pharmaceutical companies Bristal-Myers Squibb and Otsuka but; regardless, I can only speak for what I've experienced.



When I was on Abilify, I went into the hospital. As my dosage was increased, my agitation turned to rage and frequently resulted in my retreat to the "quiet room." I had fits of rage uncommon even for me. I could not focus on anything for very long. No one even suggested that this could be medication-induced so that when I finally got home I was left to deal with this new craziness.


I would spend five minutes on the treadmill, three minutes trying to do laundry, four minutes trying to watch tv, etc. Reading was the worst. I could only read a paragraph and I had to read it over and over many times. Having been an avid reader, this was very discouraging.

Finally, when I got back to seeing my regular psychiatrist he stopped the Abilify after I described my symptoms. Supposedly, it takes about 21 days for the body to be completely rid of this chemical but finally -- a couple of days ago -- after 14 days since discontinuing the Abilify I could read a whole chapter in a book. Yesterday, I read another. It is my hope that I can get a job and work again. I was afraid I never would be able to do so again.

Fecal Debilification

My regular appointment today with the psych was very discouraging. Though not much of a liar, I probably should have at least withheld the truth. He's not a bad doctor by any means but the science of drugs is in their belief system and this is what they do.

Old emerging behaviors that had been previously extinguished seem to indicate that I'm not done well with my losses lately. I'm losing small chunks of time -- not remembering what I've been doing. I have flashbacks, nightmares, no appetite, and today is a beautiful day yet I don't want to go out. So, he hands me a bag of samples and shuttles me along my way.

I don't want to take anymore pills. I'm already on a medication roller coaster trying to control my heart and my lungs -- a problem that (in case I have NOT made clear) I believe is rooted in long-term effects of being in so many psych meds in the first place.

I think I've already been here before. In fact, I've probably blogged about it so perhaps I should just look at old posts. I don't know.

The Speed of Nothing

I want to slow down. No time to eat. No time for groceries. No time to fold laundry. Bills unpaid. No time to clean house. Living by the seat of my pants. That's what I do. I have nothing external that sucks away my time. I don't have a million meetings to attend. I don't have soccer games to go to. I'm not even putting extra hours in at work. Muscles clenched, jaw aching, my temper on a razor blade I can't find to stop this chaos. I just can't slow down my mind enough to focus on a goddamn thing.

Twelve Hours

10am: It's hard to believe that the crunch of an apple could be so loud; or, even the quiet guy on the phone who sits all the way across the large loft office. My nerves scream in pain so I poke in my earbuds and crank up The Mozart Sessions in the hopes that the 55 beats-per-minute will prevent me from screaming.

2pm: God, I think I'm going to be sick. A tremor starts in my hands so I head to the restroom. Sickness. Vile sickness. Water cooler, food, unwashed coffee mug? My heart races so I take a Metoprolol and an Immodium.

6pm: I can't believe I just raised my fist to one of the cats. Just a raised fist -- but still. I'm so stressed that I can't stop shaking and my stomach makes noises as it churns. I try to sit with the cats to give them one-on-one time and make up for my crankiness.

7pm: Now that the cats have my attention, they want nothing from me so I decide to finish my WordPress theme. PHP is frustrating enough as it is and now the cats are back jumping on me. I refresh the page after an FTP only to see a the white-screen-of-death. Starting to panic, I hastily search for my backups only to find that they are gone.

8pm: There is a crashing in my head. First, the remote flies across the room and shatters along with other items off the mantle. Within seconds, anything that I can get my hands on goes sailing. I end up in the garage to protect the cats from myself and attempt to slice tennis balls from the ball hopper but with my bad throw I miss and this makes me more angry. As I continue along my path of destruction it hits me: HALF. Three days ago, Dr. cut the Nortriptyline in HALF. I knew something wasn't right about that -- NO ONE CAN EVER cut my medicines in HALF at one time.

9pm Realizing not only the medical foolishness but my own for having NOT prevented it I begin to curse god. I call God names I've never called anyone. I think back to the community mental health center where it all began - where they all started pushing drugs down my throat. If only they had LISTENED TO ME. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE LISTEN INSTEAD OF STUFFING PILLS DOWN MY THROAT?!?

10pm: I re-enter the house and view the remnants of my destruction with the cats are purring(?) for food. I feed them and take a WHOLE dose of the pills.

Post-PharmaceuticaloShock-Trauma-Syndrome

sunday school teacher
community girl scout leader
she kept me locked away
beaten, used, and bruised

respected dutiful police officer
honorable city alderman
he kept me numb and bound
no noise hit the ground

i was crazy
they were not
drugged and locked away
is what they sought and bought

now i'm here and they are old
i am evil is what they told
broken body, broken mind
soul is dead, everyone is blind

BEFORE THE LOBOTOMY (LIVE)

this is what they give suicidal people ...

andI haven't even broken into my emergency stash

More Shiny Happy Pills

Dr. Shrink: "I hate to see you like this. The beta-blocker has really pushed you down after you came so far. I'm not going to raise the Nortriptyline until they get your blood pressure under control so I will prescribe you some Wellbutrin to give you a boost."

Me: "I think I'm handling the new beta-blocker better." :: a pill for a pill for a pill for a ... ::

Dr. Shrink: "But still ... you seem so sluggish."

Me: "So you will stop the Nortriptyline?"

Dr. Shrink: "I don't want to stop that due to your fibromyalgia pain."

Me: "I think I just need to get more exercise and see cranio-sacral therapist more."

Dr. Shrink: "Still, you need a boost ::blah blah blah blah ...

Me: ::two antidepressants at once? what is that going to do to me? therapist won't be happy about this. Damn, she's out of town. I don't want to take anything else. I have the right to say no. ::

Me 2: ::Right to say no? You say no? HaHaHaHa ::

Me: :: stop it ::

Dr. Shrink: ...blah blah:: Plus, you are isolating and not enjoying things."

Me: ::I'm not isolating, I'm in hiding. I enjoy the pool and XBOX so... ::

Dr. Shrink: "So take this and we will see it if helps."

Me: ::why can't I stick up for myself and say no? The Dr. seems smart, nice, and practical -- unlike other MDs. Has my personality really changed? If multiple people are telling me so then maybe ... but I'm against taking these meds more than I have to because no one really knows the long-term side-effects despite what they claim. After all, they could be the whole cause of my health disaster as it is. Plus, I have to pay for them full price for all medical for the next $2000 ... I'm such a wuss ::

Dr. Shrink: "...is that ok with you?"

Me: "Huh?"

Dr. Shrink: "Will this time in three weeks work for you? I want to see how you are tolerating the Wellbutrin."

Me: "Ok" ::but I may not have taken it ::
Me2: ::wuss::

Me: ::stop it::

Please Pull The Plug

When I was younger, I volunteered in a nursing home. This was my first experience with Alzheimer’s. I was bothered by the things I saw but I didn’t quite grasp the immensity of the disease.

After graduate school, I worked many rotations in a geriatric psychiatric ward which mostly consisted of various types of dementia and Alzheimer’s. This time round, it was hard NOT to miss the devastation heaped upon the patients as well as the families.

Rich, poor, educated, uneducated – nothing mattered that caused these individuals to become so ill.

The reason I was touched so significantly is because they were not always delusional. It wasn’t their confusion or the bizarreness of their behavior but it was the look in their eyes during those moments of sanity (and those moments did exist) that my heart broke for them. Only the most hard-hearted could ignore the extreme trapped, helpless, and panicked piercing expressions that begged for help when their mouths often could not. I’ve witnessed the same scenario with schizophrenics and other psychotic disordered individuals.

I vowed suicide should I ever find myself to be heading in such a state. I’d rather die the most grotesque miserable death than experience the slow torture of a person whose own mind has betrayed him or her.

Long ago, when my body was under possession of others the only thing I had was my mind. I may not have been considered very smart but under my hood I could make a joke or go anywhere I pleased and no one heard or knew. Later, I discovered could even train my mind in such matters that I could go to college and escape so that my body would not have to return.

This past week, my own mind has betrayed me in such a way that I have gone to extremes just to cope. It comes and goes and they say it will not last but I’ve seen too much to not be overcome with such complete fear. As harrowed as my mind may be in it’s “normality”, I do hear-by declare that without my mind I do not want my body to breathe. I am not so fortunate to have someone listen to my eyes and bring me clean underwear so if there is a God then it is my hope that I am heard.

Here You Go Well-Tolerated Strength of Craziness

I don't know if I believe it anymore but whatever it is - IT IS.

It was about this time last year that I was tossed in the throws of death while weaning off Effexor - the worst of worsts. You'll have to track down the serotonin-syndrome blog posts themselves because I'm too cranky to link you to them.

"Lexapro has the least side-effects for people like you," spoken by the medical director himself. I had hope.

In any event, here I am having gone three whole days without the Lexapro. For the past couple of weeks I took half a tab every other day. In one day my blood pressure was 150/120 then 90/70 and my heart-rate would be 130. I have been checking my vitals so often I feel like a hysteric - a hypochondriac - a near-psychotic - Munchhausen's by non-proxy.

Now I'm a labiling-roller-coastering rapid-cycler wondering about the proper DSM. I don't know what the hell is going on but I'll be writing my own scripts from now on: etoh.

They tell me to be patient because it will take time for my body to adjust but hell, I've blown a grand this past week alone, raged like a maniac, cried a swamp, and currently ready to slice out a vein.

Shiny Happy Pills

Surprisingly, I can't say I was disappointed today when my doctor suggested we up my dose of Prozac. I'm on a low dose anyway so it doesn't matter a whole lot. I know -- I had been very proud to be doing well on such a tiny dose. After all, it was hell coming off years of the deadly Effexor. I should be disappointed to have the dose raised; however, it's been a rough year and I'm tired.

I've lived the black depression, am definitely not there now, and do not think I am close but the stress is most certainly affecting my physical health more and more. Nightmares and jaw-clenching have left my head, jaw, and neck in a ton of misery that I'm probably going to have to wear some type of appliance for.

Taking a mood-drug is not something I take lightly and I believe them to be over-prescribed. The majority of people should probably deal with their problems instead of eating a pill. Maybe they are just tired as well.

Nocturnal Chatterings #5

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: ZERO Milligrams and Holding...Complications Persist....

WHO NEEDS SLEEP?
"Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found

With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid"

--Barenaked Ladies, "Who Needs Sleep," Stunts, 1998.

- Yep, another sleepless one has arrived. I think I'm just too wound up from the day's events.
+ Today was stressful. Bomb threats usually are.
- I don't know what I would do if I lost a whole building full of people I know.
+ In addition, it is only DAY 4 since launch. Your chemicals are changing as we type.
- I've slept the past three nights though.
+ I think you had more physical pain and exhaustion those nights.
- I don't think the health situation is going very well. It is going to be very disappointing to have gone through all this Effexor-withdrawal suffering only to be prescribed a serotonin-Prozac-like drug to fix my broken colon.
+ Hopefully you can hold out long enough to try other alternatives.
- I just hope that I can avoid the sirens. It is hard because I am frequently tearful and very anxious.
- I continue to secretly hope that there is something better for me. I can't decide, if I were to have a choice, whether to provide a great contribution to humanity or just reach contentedness.
+Perhaps they are one and the same.
- But the great genius' and artists are known for their emotional suffering.
+ You still have both your ears, unlike Van Gogh.
- Yes but I did tear off a loose nail over the weekend...among other things.
+ ...we won't go there. But you did manage to make one fibro-massage appointment. So we'll just keep going down the list - one by one - until we get done what needs to be done.

False Imprisonment

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: 18.25 Milligrams and Holding...Complications Arise....

Messenger: Eliminate all red meat, dairy, fried foods, egg yolks, coffee, soda pop, and alcohol from your diet. Never eat high fat foods, even in small portions, on an empty stomach or without soluble fiber. Better still, don't eat them at all. Avoid garlic, onions, leeks, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, asparagus, and Brussels sprouts, citrus fruits, vinegars, cooked tomatoes, juices with fructose.

For the next couple of weeks eat only rice cereals, pasta, fresh white bread, soy, cornmeal, potatoes (NO BUTTER), bananas, applesauce.

me: Edible food in house = one baking potato and some pasta.

Shopping Attempt #1 - Location = organic foods market:

1. Enter store with list
2. See no familiar brands
3. Lost bewilderment ensues
   
4. Overwhelmed by strange foods
5. Spy 50+ cheeses and panic! Can't have cheese!
   
6. Burst into tears and exit.
   

Shopping Attempt #2 - Location = regular market:

1. Enter store with list
2. See many familiar and desireable brands. No, can't have any of those....
3. Lost bewilderment ensues
4. Overwhelmed by other shoppers sampling the nicities and buying up Christmas meats and baking goods.
5. Spy row of cheeses and butters and panic! Spy Coke Classic and panic! Spy pastries and double panic!
6. Grab Cream of Rice, other junk, and leave tearfully. Forgot Peppermint tea for the tummy.
7. Arrive home hysterically crying, throw away/replace allot of real food, then crawl into bed hoping Angry Anniearexia will not be triggered into visiting soon.
   

Spouse: What is fibromyalgia and IBS?

me: those are some new prison cells sent down by God because I do not have enough of them already. All a part of the war effort I suppose.

Nocturnal Chatterings #3

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: 18.25 Milligrams and Holding....

- I don't think I can blame it all on the Effexor and Serotonin issue anymore. Something else has happened. Sick in the bathroom eight times today. I can feel something chewing away my stomach lining. I'm wondering if an alien has indeed crawled up my ass and should I phone Sigourney Weaver.

- The girls say I'm wasting time on therapy, being brainwashed.

+ I think the girls need brainwashing. You certainly do not want to end up like ignorance 1.*.

- I can't tell for sure. Everyone keeps me at arms-length. I am feared and am not sure why. Is it because I'm quiet or is it because they can sense my radiation leak or do I send out hidden messages to stay-the-hell away.

- I do not know how long is too long for any given situation. You stay a decade with someone then BANG you wonder what happened and why you didn't take the job overseas.

Hope #6

After a ruthless 24 hours of expelling my insides from every orifice, chills, tremors, hysteria, cramping, and parathesia, stopping the 18.75 mg just did not work. It seems I have not been able to keep food in my body for more than six hours for the past four weeks. Now taking Levbid, Immodium, Prilosec, and Emetrol for the GI distress alone, I wish I'd started Heroin instead. I do not recall a disclaimer for SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome, Serotonin Syndrome, or anything of the kind when I started this poison a decade or so ago.

If 95% of Serotonin is secreted by the gut, what does it mean to my body if Serotonin re-uptake has been inhibited for a decade and then is overwhelmed by Serotonin to the point of toxicity and near-death then is forced to go back to normal functioning? Is it too broken? I have lost time over the past eleven months due to some sort of Serotonin/Effexor-related catastrophe. I wish I had been given a choice to begin with.

Hope #5

i am the sore that they fear -- the one they avoid -- the pain that they run from -- the girl under the bed whose head -- fragile as an eggshell -- cracks to reveal the betrayal and hopelessness that they hate -- the one who runs naked and exposed through the cemetery mind -- the one they choose to avoid because they fear themselves but it is i who suffer as well -- left alone and abandoned to be eaten alive by the infections of my own sores -- the gnawing away -- the destruction and collapse of the shell -- freezing, shivering, sweating, raw and open with tremors i expel the acidic evidence boiling in the pit of my stomach up into my throat and down onto the discarded jeans next to my bed on this my first complete day without any effexor for the past lost decade....

Hope #4 : Anxiety Rips off the Skin

I'm not going to make it. When the anxiety hits then I just know I will not make it -- that I will end up like this for the rest of my life and I cannot live with the thought of that. I have endured this too long to be able to live with the thought of it going on forever.

I took a half dose of the Effexor yesterday and today I am so anxious that I feel the need to tear off my skin, to scrape it off with a sharp-toothed comb. One-half of 37.5 mg is 18.75 mg. Such a small change should not make such a difference -- especialy since I have been titrating for so long.

Damn them all to hell for ever have allowed those doctors to put me on medication to begin with. I was not depressed. I was traumatized and if they had stepped up to the plate and said, "This is not about her. We are literally screwing her in the *ss and she is reacting to that. This is about us. We need fixing, not her.", then I would not be going through this. I would not be wanting to tear out my hair, eyes, and nails. In fact, I would have not endured allot of what I have.

Action equals reaction so fix the damn action instead. I should be able to go out today into the sun and do something I enjoy instead of shivering and crying.

Hope #2

Serotonin Syndrome Symptoms:
* Cognitive effects: mental confusion, hypomania, agitation, headache, coma.
* Autonomic effects: shivering, sweating, fever, hypertension, tachycardia, nausea, diarrhea.
* Somatic effects: myoclonus/clonus (muscle twitching), hyperreflexia, tremor.

After losing consciousness on three occasions, almost having a stroke, days in the hospital, two additional ER visits, lost work, and months of being deathly ill, no doctor believed that my symptoms were medication-related. I had all the symptoms above minus the coma.

However, per the walgreens.com drug-interaction tool and my pharmacist, it is not advisable to have a patient on multiple serotonin-related medications. It took a layperson to point this out and, interestingly enough, I have not fallen to the floor since titrating off these poisons.

These events of the past ten months started with a bout of insomnia. It was an unusually-long bout so medication was recommended. Unfortunately and asininely, health insurance only covers a limited amount of insomnia medication within a certain amount of time (14 pills every 28 days -- never mind, that anyone can get practically UNLIMITED amounts of Valium or Xanax with NO problem.) Regardless, I needed more than 2 weeks of sleep so the doctor prescribed an anti-depressant and increased the serotonin syndrome symptoms.

I have 37.5 more milligrams of Effexor to go before I am off the stuff. I tried stopping at this dose once but it was a train wreck. I have been coming off the toxin for the past three months and I don't think the worst is yet here. Google "Effexor withdrawal" and you will see. Actually you can try these samples:

http://depression.about.com/cs/venlafaxine/a/brainshivers.htm
http://www.join-the-fun.com/effexorwithdrawal.html
http://www.rxlist.com/rxboard/effexor.pl?read=501

The bottom line is that no matter HOW depressed I ever get or if I have to be mildly depressed and anxious for the REST of my life I will NEVER take an anti-depressant again to cope with something that I should be coping with in a more constructive manner. For myself only, I consider it substandard to live life hiding behind a pill and I refuse to give in to it anytime soon. I HOPE that I never do.

I'm not claiming that psychotropics are not useful in many situations; however, for all neurotic-type issues they need to be a last resort and then used as a supplemental tool to some type of psychotherapy. They are too-often quickly prescribed as a pop-culture solution. This does not work and is dangerous.