Conversations With Ignorance #1.03

ignorance: Do I have to get a license to drive a scooter?
me: It depends on how fast the scooter goes...
ignorance: I want just a normal small one so that I can drive it to the bar and home and not have to worry about the whole drinking and driving issue.
me: You think that you can operate a scooter while drunk?
ignorance: I think it would be easier than a car.
me: You came in yesterday and were unable to recognize that your clothes were inside-out because of your drinking the night before, right?
ignorance: No, I frequently do not notice that kind of thing regardless of drinking.
me: :::recalls ignorance accidentally wearing first grade son's pants:::
me: Ok, you're right.
ignorance: The whole thing is perfect because I will get no more DUI's.
me: If you operate ANY motorized vehicle while under the influence you can get a DUI.
third-party-listener: Hey, remember that man who got arrested for driving a lawn mower drunk?!!!
ignorance: Damn!
ignorance: :::walks away moping::: :::gibberish:::

Conversations With Ignorance #1.02

ignorance: Do you know anything about drug testing because I'm in a bind...iasli hidfh :::gibberish:::
me: Not really...why?
ignorance: I have to take a drug test for the new job.
me: Why is that a problem?
ignorance: I might have accidentally smoked some cocaine.
me: :::gives dead stare:::
me: ...accidentally?
ignorance: I was at a friends house last night and grabbed his cigarette and there was cocaine on it so now it might be in my body!!!
me: How does that even happen?
ignorance: He had been doing cocaine and there was some in the ashtray!
me: So why did you smoke his cigarette?
ignorance: I didn't know!
me: You didn't realize there was cocaine around you?
ignorance: No! I don't do drugs. I don't think I felt anything so maybe I didn't get enough in me, what do you think?
me: Just come clean with your employer and tell them that you hang out with druggies and may have accidentally ingested some.
ignorance: Really?
me: NOT.
me: Go to Walgreen's over lunch, bring it back here, and we'll all take a look at it.
ignorance: :::exits to Walgreen's:::

Conversations With Ignorance #1.01

ignorance: Lawyers are too expensive!!! i got ahosid arrested aoshi khidh khraphali ::gibberish::
me: you got what?
ignorance: those assholes arrested me this weekend
me: the police arrested you?
ignorance: yeah they asihd hli left ihlis walk home dark
me: why were you arrested?
ignorance: they arrested me for trespassing when I went on the (gambling) boat this past weekend and I'm going to sue
me: didn't you have your name put on the state gambling addictions list so that you would not be allowed on the boat without being arrested?
ignorance: yeah, but that was two years ago
me: doesn't the list last for five years?
ignorance: nobody told me
me: ...but you signed the paper telling you...
ignorance: yeah, but it was dangerous because then they made me walk all the way across town in the dark back to my car at the boat. I could have been attacked! I bought some beer so that I would look like a street bum.
me: ...
ignorance: I'm gonna sue for defamation of character and endangerment.
me: ...but you had put yourself on the list...
ignorance: yeah, but sidh lih ehi ...I've been making allot of money at online casinos and remember Vegas last month?
me: ...didn't you get beat up there?
ignorance: those d*mn ...
me: ...
ignorance: I've got to get a lawyer before my first court date! I'm not sure I can defend myself.
me: ...
me: just tell the judge this - "Hey Judge, bet you five dollars that I'm not an addict!"
ignorance: ...I don't know if that will work...

Conversations With Ignorance and People Who Make More Money Than I #1

::phone rings::
me: hello
ignorance: hey, whassup?
me: not much
ignorance: hey we're happyghoudrhaosodijfapsoiijaisdhahd ::gibberish::
me: slow down and repeat - I can't understand you
ignorance: there's probably going to be a happy hour for me this wednesday to celebrate my last day at the old job.
me: I thought you gave up happy hours and smoking...for the 6th time this year...
ignorance: the American Lung Association told me not to quit smoking
me: ... come again?
ignorance: ::repeats self::
me: ... you actually SPOKE to the American Lung Association?
ignorance: yeah, they said to not quit smoking right now since I'm having a major life change (job change)
me: ...
ignorance: it's for the best anyway since I'm on a buttload of codeine.
me: ... (afraid to ask)
ignorance: I'm in allot of pain
me: ::giving in:: what did you do?
ignorance: me and my buddies were bowallihp asiuh asdhuihe asdhfh wii
me: slow down and repeat - I can't understand you
ignorance: me and my buddies were bowling on the Nintendo Wii and I threw the ball too hard and smashed my hand into a light bulb and ...ashid hiosihf asoihd jijfe ::gibberish::
me: ...
ignorance: I didn't want to go to the ER but there was so much blood it wouldn't stop bleeding! I had to get twelve stiches and then shreoiw hsidfhioh sldkj hihsih ... ::gibberish::
me: ...
ignorance: ...so anyway, I'll call you later and let you know where the happy our will be. I didn't quite make it in to work todasdih hisdili ashdjfh iohehks ::gibberish::
me: k