the rest of my life

when i was small someone put me in a hole. she said "when you have to go out, pretend you are normal but always remember where you belong. crawl down there and stay or else."

she needn't threaten. i did not know how to get out. i still don't.

FU

#1:

#2:

#3:

JAR

My friend drove off the other day,
Now he's gone and all they say,
Is you got to live 'cause life goes on...

But now I see I'm mortal, too,
I can't live my life like you,
Got to live it up, while life goes on.

And I think that it's all right,
That I do what I like,
'Cause that's the way I want to live.
it's how I give, and I'm still givin'...

And now I wonder 'bout my friend,
If he gave all he could give,
'Cause he lived his life like I live mine.

If you could see inside my head,
Then you'd start to understand,
The things I value in my heart.

And I think that it's all right,
That I do what I like,
'Cause that's the way I want to live.
it's how I give, and I'm still givin'...

You know that...
I know that...
You're watchin' me!

And I think that it's all right,
That I do what I like,
'Cause that's the way I wanna live.
it's how I give, and I'm still givin'...

Got to make a plan,
Got to do what's right,
Can't run around in circles,
If you wanna build a life,
But I don't want to make a plan,
For a day far away,
While I'm young and while I'm able,
All I want to do is...

Still Nothing

In a year from now I will turn forty. I never thought I would live this long and I'm not even sure it's quite true. My body says it is so. It seems like if I am really this old then I should be in a different position from where I am. For example, I would think that I would be in my own home with my own family and friends with a nice retirement fund to ease me into old age. Instead, I am anti-social and single -- living in a rental property with two cats and allot of financial debt.

To make matters worse, I'm still up to my nose in the middle of a therapy I thought I would be growing out of by now. I still play allot of video games and frequently live off cereal. The only thing I've done responsibly is manage to wean myself from Lucky Charms to Cheerios. It was just a year ago that I was just getting out of the hospital for having tried to stop my heart by taking too many beta-blockers. Up until last month I have remained in the outpatient program to "rehabilitate myself back to society and sustain meaningful employment." That cost me $1200 in co-payments ... but I did, however, receive the non-redeemable coin as pictured above. Maybe next year will be better.

Economy-Sized Dreams of Hope

I Can Teach You In Three

How I Feel About Your Car

A short while back, I began to notice emotional reactions I have to certain vehicles. The Toyota Camry gives me the creeps and I want to take a bat to the Nissan Maxima. Some automobiles bring out feelings of rage while others bring me to tears.

It was not long before I associated my extreme emotions to those people I know who own similar cars. Many times I did not even realize I was angry at someone until I felt the urge to smash their car to bits.

In any event, it has been insightful. If I don't know how I feel about someone then I picture their vehicle and suddenly my feelings are clear.

I Hate You Autumn

Underneath

It seems like such a simple thing -- to meet up with an old friend for lunch. It would require a few hours on the road to meet half-way and I keep committing myself to it only to make up an excuse and cancel. Tonight, this particular friend, who happens to be fairly up-front about such matters, informed me that he will no longer try to get in touch with me if I do not return this -- his millionth phone call. He went on to leave an extended message regarding the unlikelihood that someone with a cell phone does NOT have it every day and hour.

He's not the first. I've been pushing people away for some time now but I had been making efforts to keep a couple of my best friends ... until lately. My psyche had cracked multiple times this past year, as I have documented, but it was a couple of months ago when my father had the triple bypass that something clicked. Could have just been the treacherous time of the year but I quit. I pushed my best friend away, refused more offerings for outings, and crawled inside.

I have nothing to give. If I can't make it three miles away to get groceries then how can I make it 3 hours to have dinner with a friend? As it is, I can't stand the thought of taking on the phone so face-to-face terrifies me.

I suppose that if I let everyone fall away then i won't have to endure more pushing away.

Halo Geekery

I've been in this line for almost an hour with a little over an hour left. I'm getting too old for this. When I get home I'll pop it into the XBox -- telling myself that I'll only take a peek at it. Hours later, it will be time for work but ... I planned ahead.

When I got home from work today I logged back in and bled out my eyes until 9:30pm to finish the metrics analysis due EOB tomorrow. I never do much of anything so I figure one night of living on the 'wild' side by sitting on a sidewalk with other smelly geeks won't hurt. Might skip my meds though.

The line is way around the building now. All ages of people here -- some getting the boot for being under-age. If the beta was any clue, then it will be worth it just to hear all the giggling and awe from other's in my decade over the jet-packs alone.

My 'social life' might pick up a little from extra play with the guys but hopefully nothing like this again for a while. I've never been much of a rebel.

Hope & Light

Without a home

A heart of stone

Lies bleeding

Fear Of People

Lately, people scare me more than usual and I generally go out of my way to avoid them. I don't even like sending email because I know it's most likely going to be received by someone.

The most minimal interactions seem to drain me of most my energy. Thus far, I've avoided most people this holiday weekend. Yet despite my reclusiveness, I do get lonely. Sometime the loneliness gets so sad that all I can do is cry ... but I still don't have it in me to reach out.

Deliver Hope

Racing to deliver a devastating blow to the enemy forces, while keeping Humanity safe a little longer, a soldier is unexpectedly blasted into the ground. Her comrade comes to the rescue to take the device and successfully destroys the enemy ship -- taking himself with it :

Talk Is Cheap And Lies Are Expensive And The Shit's So Deep I Can't Turn Around

I got no beliefs. But I believe I'm a walking contradiction and I ain't got no rights.

Let My Mind Rest For Good

I can't sleep. I took my 6pm Seroquel then my 8pm double- Seroquel along with everything else. Exhausted, but still nothing , I tried the Klonopin. Just now, the Ambien.

I get so wound up that I doubt that even a horse tranquilizer would take me down. Any other time and the 6pm dose alone would knock me out.

Today I tried to order a chicken sandwich but became so confused and disoriented by the cashier that my hands shook, I started to cry, and had to leave. I can't tolerate human interaction today. It hurts too bad.

God, so much chatter in my head. I want everything to stop or for me to go away.

Communication Retardation

I failed again. I can't explain myself properly even when I know exactly what I need. It seems all I can do is point and yell "THAT WAY !!!"

Bleeding Out

By the time i'd reached the office, I was profusely bleeding out emotions. I had told them that they could do it. I wanted any morsel of relief possible. I'd had chest pain, stomachache, dizziness, and vomiting throughout the day so whatever it took then I would do -- even if it meant free-falling to the bottom of my darkness. But I failed them again and am now paying the price.

But it was not safe there so that I went flying elsewhere. I think she wants me dead so they tell me to cut or take pills. Curled up in a soft blanket, I feel my heart rate slowing some more so that I hope I won't have to go through another day again.

Just Press Enter

I slam my eyes tight, grind down my jaw, press the 'Enter' key, and wait for the explosion. It's true, there has never been an outburst here but this is how paranoid I've become since starting the new job despite the fact that my broken self-confidence surely only increases the likelihood of more unemployment. Preferring to be invisible, a ripple of pain skids through my stomach whenever I have to ask anyone a question. Feeling as if I should already know most stuff, I fear yelling or name-calling. Somewhat irrational, somewhat not so. Either way, the feeling is intolerable enough that I waste days banging my head against the wall when I could probably get the information I need within ten minutes from someone else.

Nevermind, my limitation is reached so that I put on my ear buds in attempt to shatter the intrusive thoughts and hopefully drive me away to a better place. I also desperately need to escape the loud gurgling from my irritated and overly-sensitive stomach. I feel betrayal that my stomach noise is indicative of my presence yet I also feel sympathy at the same time. Lack of sleep always makes it worse.

thirteen years ago today

"... And in the darkest night ...
... if mY memory serves You/mE right ...
... i will not turn back time ...
... forgetting yOu ...
... but not the time ... " *

Update From The Trenches

Not much new here. Still attending the aftercare program as well as participating in therapy while trying to hold down a job all at the same time. There is some resemblance to my normality but I'm not sure if that is good or bad.