December Melting -- Day 10: Her Passing

12.12.09

After over a week in the unit, I did a quick check of my voicemail and discovered a message from my sister. My mother had died. My presence was requested ASAP but I was behind locked doors. At first I panicked and then I went numb. I was grateful for the Seroquel ... and anything else they give me.

Did she know what I had done? Her body is in a morgue somewhere. Is she watching me now? Did she feel my heart stop when I over-dosed so that this is why hers failed? These are the questions that traipse back and forth.

Happy Holiday To All

December Melting -- Day 9: Something Broken

12.11.09


The days are blurring together now into a mix of depression and agitation. I woke up tearful today and realized that this would have been my last day on my job before it would be outsourced overseas. I don't think I realized the pressure this pending loss had been weighing on me but I know now that I never want to be in such an unstable situation again. Something broke in me last week and it is serious. The job did not help. I can't even read one page of text -- it takes multiple attempts to just finish one sentence. For the second time, a counselor in group today suggested ECT. No freaking way ... my intelligence is all I have ... just give me a gun.


I've also been becoming frequently agitated and spend time in the "Quiet Room" as a result. Because my behavior frightens me, I don't mind. Sometimes, I wish they would just strap me down and let me go at it so I can get this poison out of me and be safe at the same time. I reluctantly accepted some Seroquel. Is my depression really that bad this time? Have I lost THAT much hope? What finally broke and will I get it back? Did the overdose irreversibly damage something?

December Melting -- Day 6: The Crack In The Clouds

12.8.09


The clumsy clouds collide at the window sill. I find some comfort in just staring. The prequel to this whole saga had been months of being unable to sleep in my bed because of the first part -- I kept experiencing large hands grab my small feet and begin to drag me out of bed; then, BLANK. That's it.

I try to go to sleep. The hands. My body shoots out of bed. Eventually, I just started going automatically to the couch. No one knew. No one could help. I was clueless and felt as if Paranormal Activity was occurring.


It was when I spent last night in the "Quiet Room" that the third part hit me -- that SHE knew. The mother knew I was in danger when this was going on in the next room yet she did nothing.


A crack in the cloud that never could can complete.

December Melting -- Day 5: The Effect Of People

12.7.09 (am)


I've hurt people by doing this. It seems like I hurt people allot. For those who have helped to keep me together for so long, I assume it must be discouraging that I can't seem to manage myself better. I can't live without a therapist and I can't live without having such a figure applying glue on a regular basis. I don't know what to do.


12.7.09 (pm)


With the haziness of drugs in my eyes, I sat today in a group of patients where a loud man who seemed to make little sense most of the time periodically seemed to say such extremely meaningful and insightful things that I would not normally hear from the most educated and "civilized" of people. In fact, it was so meaningful that I had to fight to hold back my tears. It is a shame that I was too drugged to retain what was said but the point that always amazes me is how we are no more different and no less the same from one another.

December Melting -- Day 4: Lost Days

12.6.09


It seems that I must have ONLY laid in bed for a couple of hours but I also know that something is not right because these strangers around me keep calling this day Saturday but that would mean that Friday and Saturday are missing. I only remember Thursday. There is a bright yellow "Fall Risk" on my arm and I am to stay in bed. It seems I may have lost two days of my life and that my goal has still not been met. At least, I THINK that I am breathing and this is real. There is no taste of charcoal in my mouth but my arms seem attached to something. Maybe if I sleep it will all go away.

December Melting -- Day 3: Near Death

12.5.09

I swear I don't remember but found it (in my handwriting) on a piece of paper:


"A lady from another floor came to take me to a room. I do not know why. Her words were so alarming that I could not pay attention. She said that she could see 'it' in me and that 'it' is important for me to carry on. After reiterating her own experiences, she went on to explain the steps to her recovery: 'unrelenting, ruthless, unbridled rage.' She 'can tell' that I have not been where I need to go. She says the loss of my therapist must not cause me to give up. She was all foggy so I do not know if she was real."

December Melting -- Day 1: The Initial Break

12.3.09

"It felt like a gun." My phone, my books, my glassware -- all shooting the fireplace. To avoid harming the cats, I tried to redirect myself to boxes in the garage with no success. Something in my psyche had broken. I downed a bottle of benzodiazapines and started in on the heart medicine with the intent to stop my heart and to stop this craziness.


Oddly enough, I proceeded to arrange my belongings and make my bed so that no one else would have such a mess to go through. I had reached a different sense of calm so I curled up on the couch to savor it.


At some point, red and blue lights were flashing in front of my house and people were banging at the door. Still in my etheral state, I opened it.

Nocturnal Chatterings #25

-- i'm so afraid that i think i might be close to terrified.

++ you've had a long day

-- i can't remember when i last slept in my own bed

++ then perhaps you should do something about that

-- i'm past the point of dealing with it. my blood pressure is so high tonight. angina, tachy ... makes me dizzy hot and sweaty when i stand up. i'm terrified at the thought of how i will cope if i have a heart attack or stroke. i'm alone, completely alone.

++ you should not catastrophize. i'm sure there are steps you can take to prevent a cardiovascular event. wait, look, there just happens to be a new treadmill in our living room!

-- smartass

++ ....

-- i tried the relaxation. i tried the tapping

++ you should blog about that

-- i don't want to be alone in a hospital with tubes in my veins and dyes running up my legs to my heart. i'd rather die first

++ i wish you would decide one way or the other

-- i would like to sleep every night of my life for a year and see what happens

++ it seemed to be better

-- for a week ...

++ i'm out of insomnia quips

-- me too. i'm tired of doing this.

-- OH MY F* GOD! LOOK -- I posted this same crap in May of 2008. i can't do this a anymore. it's been going on many more years than that. omg.

My Family Psychosis Debuts on Facebook

So a few months ago I started debating as whether or not to add people from my past to my Facebook account. Plowing further ahead, I added a few; however, somewhere in the process I ended up with three family members. First, there was my nephew -- easy add. Second, was Sister #1 -- ok, possibly easy enough to add. Third, and most recently, my belligerent niece requested an add -- um ... this might be trouble ... but ok I added her.

Now, Sister #1 has requested that I add Sister #2 to my Facebook and this is really eating at me. If Sister #2 wants to add me then why not just add me? Sister #2 is so not trustworthy. Anything she would see about me might be reported back to the parents. Sister #2 is not stable and does not live in reality. She is paranoid that people are watching her day and night. For her Facebook account, she spelled her first and last name differently and I believe this is more evidence of her psychosis -- to believe she must be in hiding. I noticed she also has two other Facebook accounts with different versions of her name.

She records phone calls and displays other paranoid behaviors as well. It kills me to see that. Honestly, it kills me that she lives like that. As if our family could not get any crazier she is living like that and Sister #1 is pulling me back into it for who knows why. God I feel so hopeless. I emailed Sister #1 and asked her about why Sister #2 has multiple accounts and she just responded that she "only knows about one Facebook account." That's all I get from her is one sentence. Sister #2 is psychotic and paranoid but Sister #1 won't see it. I could bear my soul to her and the best I could hope for would be one sentence ... but that is another story entirely.

Finito

I once had a Pachebel dream
Where though the night outside was cold
The table inside was set and warm

In our thick cabled sweaters
We gathered around glowing candles
While Canon In D was deep in our eyes

No need for hope, we had all we needed
Most certainly no ordinary people,
We were adagio and vivace

Now dissipated and diminished to silence,
The dream went away with the people
Who never really were to begin with

Just court notations and paper.

Passenger or Passengers

“There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.”*

All the passengers in my head yell and scream. Rare is control. Struggling to get upright again before I am knocked back down. Crash, apply band-aid, repeat. I hate you. There are pills for you so I sleep on the couch. No one wants to help you. Damn bed. Sad bed. Horrific bed. Abandoned bed. Everyone is gone but you. You still stay.

* Will Shriner

PassageWays

If you had the right things to say
then would you say them?

If you had the right things to hear
then would you hear them?

If you had the right things to see
then would you see them?

If you had the right things to know
then would you know me?

Or would you take away any chance I have

to view myself
to hear myself

to see myself

and

to know myself ?

Passages

Around 3am I woke myself up with my yelling and then quickly scanned the couch for snakes. This hasn't happened for a while.

I've been spending allot of nights on the couch. When bedtime comes I suddenly seem short on time and long on things that have to be done immediately. I haven't been bothering with sleep meds either. Bed seems impossible so tricking myself into sleeping on the couch is my best bet. I try to lay down but my body shoots up as if it is tied to a string and I am just a passenger along for the ride.

Maybe I am.

Human Resources

11/09/2009 : 2PM

Placement Firm Manager (PFM): Your interview with "Company B" went well but they decided to go with a different skillset.
Me: Ok, thanks.

11/10/2009 : 10:15AM
PFM: Good news, "Company B" is interested in you for another position and would like to proceed with the next round of interviews after all."
Me: Great, thanks.

11/17/2009 : 1PM
PFM: Looks like you got positive reviews from everyone. "Company B" would like to bring you on as a direct hire and they'll let us know more this week.
Me: Wonderful, thanks.

11/17/2009 : 1:30PM
PFM: "Company B" has determined that they will already have the resources they need for this position so they are going to have to let you go but will contact us know should something open up in January.
Me: Let me go? I haven't been hired yet. They are messed up.
PFM: Yeah, makes us look as if we operate smoothly.
Me: Right ... thanks.

My Not-Last-Day At Work

Manager: Well, today is your last day, huh? I'd like to thank you for the help you have provided us during this difficult situation.

Me: You're welcome.

Manager: Actually, we'd like you to stay on a few more days to help us out if you can.

::: negotiations occur :::

Manager: Good, so now we have until 11/25. Go ahead and start looking over 'Project A' and I'll work on getting you some tasks for Monday.

Me: But I've been working on 'Project B,' it's far from ready, and I'm the only one with the expertise.

Manager: Yes, I know, but technically only the overseas folks can bill that project right now.

Me: So, you're keeping me for a project that is not mine and that you do not have any tasks for?

Manager: Correct. Have a good weekend!

When The Body Attacks Itself: Follow-Up

At first I was just really sleepy (and glad to have hope for sleep); however, when I awoke the next morning, I was hardly able to get out of bed. When I did arise, I had no detectable blood pressure and could not walk straight. After moving around some, I was finally able to get a blood pressure but was not ok for the rest of the day. As I mentioned last time, there has been arguing as to whether or not I should be taking certain prescriptions for the glands that are being destroyed by my immune system. I had decided to hold off and not make any sudden decisions. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying enough attentions when the homeopathic practitioner gave me FIVE different bottles of 'natural' remedies. Despite my knowledge that these chemicals are STILL drugs, I took them. All of them (as recommended). I was too ashamed to phone my regular MD so I phoned the homeopath. By that time my bp had already skyrocketed to stroke level and crashed again. Her solution is to start taking them slowly, one at a time, let my body adjust, and see if one causes an adverse reaction. Who knows what will happen. The bottom line is to be careful when taking anything -- FDA approval or not.

When The Body Attacks Itself

"Autoimmune disorders are diseases caused by the body producing an inappropriate immune response against its own tissues. Sometimes the immune system will cease to recognize one or more of the body’s normal constituents as “self” and will create antibodies that attack its own cells, tissues, and/or organs."
They argue as to what to do with me and try to force me to make decisions I know little about. The traditional doctors say to not take the medicine yet since there is some functioning in my glands and more medicine might worsen my heart and lungs; however, the homeopathic doctor says to take the medicine because this may help my glands and relieve the problems associated with my heart and lungs.

For now, I've decided to do neither. I am going to wait. Lab results show I am so off in so many areas that it is possible that some homeopathic medicines may help significantly but that they may be slow to assist as my heart condition worsens at a quicker pace. I am still going to wait.

The whole autoimmune problem actually makes perfect sense to me. I mean, for the majority of my life my body has been on high-alert and attacked. Also, when there was no outside source doing the attacking then I did plenty of it on my own. I've cut myself ... overdosed myself ... starved myself ... how could this body know any different? The big question is can it be re-taught to not attack itself and if so, then how?

I'd Like To Put Down My Gun Please

Insomnia is back. I haven't been able to make myself go to bed for weeks now. It is not as if I am not tired or sleepy but that I have to practically wrestle myself just to go to bed. I can't lie still. There have been times when I've managed to sneak around the issue by sleeping on the couch but this is not reliable enough. Last night I was up until 4:30am when I finally took myself to bed with my mp3 player -- headphones in ears. I was awoken a couple hours later by a cat chewing on them. I should have known better.

Today is another rare beautiful day and I was hoping to get out and enjoy it for a change but all I can seem to do thus far is cry. I've tried everything: psychotherapy, music, relaxation techniques, warm milk, mega-drugs. Nothing helps lately. For weeks this has been going on.