Haunted In August III

There was the black darkness of evening with the prelude of nightfall passed. The fire was bright and set everyone aglow. In terror, she ran from the blaze to hide and escape. Trailed, the dead leaves spoke too loudly and betrayed her location. Can humans also speak when they are dead?

::Blank::

Swept up, her small frame was thrown deep into the earth while the rest continued their business.

::Blank::

She began to dig. Frantically. Desperately. Hopefully. Small fingernails scraping into the damp, moist, and cold ground.

::Blank::

Too soon, a bright white light broke from above through the blackness and stripped her digging efforts to nothingness. "Whaaaat you doin', huh?" The white then shatters into millions of tiny pixels and her head was gone.

::Blank::

Corporate Hell #4

After eleven months of working in a hippie-firm, coming and going as I please, wearing sandals and tee-shirts, yesterday marked my first day back in corporate helldom.

Hopefully, it will be better than my last trip through the cubes but I can't say it has started out so great. Like I mentioned, I had become accustomed to getting up when I want and the last month of unemployment didn't help. Stupidly, I drank almost 16 ounces of Rockstar Energy that morning. That's really nothing terribly new for me when I am in the firm clutches of slumber but this time I drank without anything solid in my stomach and I paid for that the rest of the day.

The fall in the parking lot also didn't help as I had to start my first day at work with a bloody and swollen hand. Nice.

HMO and Pharmaceutical Companies: The REAL Sickos

"Keeping people hopeless and pessimistic - see I think there are two ways in which people are controlled - first of all frighten people and secondly demoralize them. An educated, healthy and confident nation is harder to govern."*

I went to the pharmacy today to pick up a refill only to find that my health insurance denied it. I was downsized last month but paid my premium for COBRA so I have no idea what their excuse is this time.


As it just so happens, I caught Michael Moore's most recent documentary, Sicko, at the cinema this weekend. Essentially, the documentary depicts the saga of those of us who pay into our insurance only to get denied care when we need it most.

With his usual dramatic-but-realistic fare, Moore gives a history of how the HMO (Health Maintenance Organization) came into being when the government realized that more money could be made from less care. As a result, many citizens who have worked and paid into health insurance have died due to denial of care.

Brilliantly, he pointed out how well other countries fare much better than the United States with their government-based health care systems. France goes so far as to not only pay new mothers to stay at home but also plays for a person to come in and laundry and other household chores.

In one example, an American man who had two fingertips cut off was given the option of paying $16K for one finger or $60K for the other. He could not afford both so he chose the lesser. There was no insurance to cover either. In contrast, a Canadian man who lost all his fingers had all of them repaired for the cost of $0.

Then, of course, there's the popular example of 9-11 terrorist survivors not getting care in the US but being taken to Havana, Cuba, to receive free quality care.

I'm torn between moving to France versus staying in America to try and help fix these issues. However, what can I do? Can you imagine what type of radical moves it would take to overturn the pharmaceutical and health insurance companies? Being as they have grown so huge, I'm not sure what can be done. I suppose the first thing that I need to do is get a refund from my health insurance payment since I've already paid half of that amount for out-of-pocket medical care and pharmacy.

americanhealthcarereform.org

*Tony Benn

Haunted In August II

wrapped in damp snake-ridden sheets
you left me there bleeding

on the hard yellow-stained tile floor
you left me there bleeding

trapped in the betraying cries of the dead leaves
you left me there bleeding

in the cold moist blackness of dark dirt
you left me there bleeding

stewing numb amidst piercing flames i left you
my craving for the justified taste of your blood unfulfilled

Not for Freedom but for Greed

Quote regarding Hiroshima atomic bomb: "What has been done is the
greatest achievement of organized science in history."

For some reason, I've watched multiple documentaries lately regarding the United States and war. I had always known that my education was sparse regarding the history of America and war remain amazed at my own ignorance. Tonight's documentary was "Why We Fight" by Eugene Jarecki.

Probably among the majority, I have always wondered the REAL reason as to why America attacked Iraq after 9-11-01. I knew it had nothing much to do with Sadaam Hussein but was not aware of specifics. After all, when New York was attacked by terrorists the majority of entire world, including Iraq, seemed to grieve with us. Now the same majority is fast becoming anti-American.

According to this film, the attack of America on Iraq was nothing more than smokescreen to conceal the implementation of a new foreign policy conceived by Dick Cheney in 1992 after the fall of the Soviet Union. This foreign policy essentially documents the goal of the US becoming the only ONE military superpower in the world.

The conception of such a policy was seeded long ago before the current administration. When the US had to build the incredible military power it built during WWII as an intent aid others, another seed began to grow. Eisenhower felt strongly against Nazi practices but hated the dropping of the atomic bomb. The implications of the growth of the US army frightened him. In his exit address to the nation he warned that with this large military growth, "The potential for misplaced power exists."

I was not aware that Japan had already surrendered before the first atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima but that Truman had wanted to frighten Stalin and the world and declare war on communism. The same has now happened in Iraq. Attacking Iraq was a way to say to the world that the US is to be feared. Why is this needed?

I understand using the fortune and resources developed in the US to help others but who are we to force Democracy on anyone else? The answer is that we don't. We do NOT have the right. We have responsibility, not right. We have are leaders infested with greed for money and power.

I suppose this is nothing new to the human race. We want to be the new Rome? Well, from what I recall Rome did eventually fall.

Haunted In August

the ghosts are here tonight chasing me from my bed

*"Can you tell me where I am
Won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Don't cry,
Though there's never a way
Here in August in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune"

*Poe

Judge What?

"The tendency to turn human judgments into divine commands makes religion one of the most dangerous forces in the world.”*

Recently, I have had a hard time determining whether or not someone is good or bad. Such a characteristic can be handy to know. For instance, I don't want to risk any type of vulnerability with someone who seems nice one day but is ripping out my jugular the next. But how can I tell?

A person can do good deeds and have a hateful soul. Likewise, a person can do bad deeds and have a loving soul. Thus the old cliche, "judge the sin not the sinner." I cannot say who is a good person and who is a bad person. Often, though not always, it is easy to decide what is a bad behavior and what is a good behavior. There are consequences to either. For example, if someone kills another person than the crime must be dealt with accordingly regardless of intent or whatever. However, determining what is really going on inside a person is impossible.

I guess the bottom line is that I have not right to say whether or not someone is good or bad. Hitler supposedly loved his dogs. I knew a boy scout leader who was molesting members of his troop. Most likely, I ascertained that it is my duty to determine someones goodness due to old fire-and-brimstone church messages I received in my early years. Most of those messages I have abandoned and this is another useless one I need to get rid of too. This one is harder though because I use it as protection and a means to avoid others.

Indeed, religion can be quite dangerous.

*Georgia Harkness

deroBored

For the past sixteen days I have been unemployed for the first time in my life since I started working at a "real" job. On one hand, I do not want to return to work yet on the other hand, well, IT'S MAKING ME EVEN CRAZIER THAN I WAS BEFORE! ...uhm, sorry...

It wouldn't be so bad if I weren't trapped indoors due to the combination of this incredible heat wave and the flu. That's right, I've caught the winter flu in the middle of summer. An unknown force is surely trying my craziness for the purpose of motivating me to get a new job just to escape this misery. Otherwise, I would be stark-raving delirious with the happiness of a school-kid released into the summer freedom of swimming and fun.

Strangely, it doesn't seem like it's been over two weeks. Information Technology professionals are in high demand which means I have been almost constantly on the phone and emailing regarding thirty different positions in my 20-mile radius alone.

Yes, I do realize how fortunate I am to be in a field where you really don't have to be any good at what you do and I am thankful. If you are a mediocre kiddie-scripter you will be in demand and I am very VERY mediocre.

I often get the interview question "can you describe the difference between polymorphism and inheritance in .NET?" I think I get asked this because so few people really know so I give them the same answer: "the difference between polymorphism and inheritance == (the profit of Microsoft creating new verbiage every couple of years so that they can sell semi-new technology that require costly training and certification * the number of developers and managers desperate enough to pay for a few more letters after their names).

Anyway, Microsoft career problems are for another blog. The fact is that I need fresh air that has oxygen in it and a nose clear enough to breathe it. I'm not supposed to be spending money being that I'm unemployed so shopping and the cinema are ruled out. I tried going to the library further study the advanced features of the .NET 2.0 Framework but it was FREEZING in there and a poltergeist again took control of my nasal passages.

I've watched numerous DVDs and caught up on video games, started 2 new aquariums, and read a couple of novels amidst toting around town meeting with the headhunters. I even feel like I'm getting enough sleep.

In fact, even this post is boring me (look how long it is!) so I'm done for today.

Freedom

At first I told myself that I would just try it out ... what harm could it do? Way too practical, surely I would never become one of those addicts zooming around on speed. However, as usage has become more frequent and as my skill has increased, so has the needle on my speedometer .

I crave turns so low that my pegs scrape the pavement splaying sparks. Back roads through the countryside beg me to pull the throttle wide open. Lying on the tank of my rocket I can't help but to feel fused with this machine. Even the air cannot rip through my kinesthetic fusion and for a short time I am free - flying - zooming - with no intent on destination. There is no better way to perish than to be doing something you love.

I'm Sinking and It's Going to Pop

I hearby declare August to be the worst month known to me. This August alone, I have had my tenth wedding anniversary while separated, lost my job, received a second-degree burn on my leg, caught a flu-like virus, and now the air mattress that I have been sleeping on for the last appears to have a leak.

Yesterday I awoke to a water bed-like experience and thought it was kind of cool. I went ahead and pumped up the mattress before I went to bed but around 5am I again began to experience the water bed-effect so I have retreated to the futon in the living room area where the light is evil first thing in the morning.

So what do I do now? I'm unemployed and need a bed. Get another air mattress? Sleep on the crusty futon? God forbid, buy a real bed?

Buying a real bed brings about numerous conflicts and decisions -- which is why I didn't buy a bed to begin with six months ago:

1. If my husband and I were to get back together then we were planning on buying a king-size bed later on ... but that is expensive and if we don't get back together then I don't need a king-size bed unless my cats continue to enumerate.

2. If I buy a bed, should I buy matching furniture? Like, say, a whole set? If so, should I buy the good stuff that I will want long-term or should I just buy something to "get me through?" ....I guess it could always be in a spare room later.

3. A bed is hard to move. One more large item in means one more large item out and I AM getting out at some point.

I suppose I could attempt to find the hole in that monstrosity (it is a quite large air-mattress, you'd never know it is air unless you lifted up the comforter). Yes that is what I will attempt tomorrow. Not sure what the likelihood of success is but ... geez.

Anyway, August has a very very bad history for me but I won't go there tonight.

FYI Misc. catastrophic happenings in August:

*Proctor & Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening.

*Elvis Presley died at Graceland on a toilet, his Memphis,Tenn., home, from heart failure at age 42.

*The Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre museum in France by an Italian waiter, Vicenzo Perruggia.

*Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

Cracked Head Like a Pipe

an early drawing of myself

i don't know where it started but the dizziness in my head is where I first noticed it. we were sitting on the couch discussing odd relations and trauma and i felt my head begin to swell. temples pounding, i feared my skull would stretch so far apart that my scalp would start to crack open like a sour egg. no crevices were found when my hand finally reached my head but by then i could feel the bitter foul bile rising from my stomach up through my chest and robbing me of my breaths. where were the breaths? who's the thief that stripped the air?

is this the enmeshment that so originally destroyed my life? how did it happen and what the f*ck am i going to do now? there is no safety from it only the most acrid bitter dread and foreboding that falls with the leaves. the leaves are falling early this year and i d*mn them all for no just cause of their own.

how ironic it is to hate anger. alleged righteous anger is the worst of all the angers. it is righteous anger that causes every ounce of me to flinch in terror and causes my body to go into shut-down mode. to have righteous anger you must experience the complete and utter alone and helplessness.

it is easier to just have a temper tantrum or a fit of rage or flip someone off on the road or punch some stranger in a bar. the avoidance of righteous anger is what destroys our society. it is better to bomb than to feel ... to empower by dis-empowering others ... to avoid the limp helplessness of a pile of crap.

I'm Not a Vegan But Still Think All Things Are Created Equal

She tells me, "she's just a cat ... they don't have the same rights as humans." I hear this all the time and haven't thought much of it. Until now.

I'll catch allot of heat over writing this but perhaps all living things should have equal rights. No, I am not a vegan, I eat meat, and yes I would kill an animal or plant for my survival as well as the survival of other humans ... well, most humans anyway ... but think about it: if we treated all living things with respect and care would we NOT be having such environmental problems and would we NOT be having so many wars and terrorists attacks? I'm not saying problems wouldn't occur but do they have to be this bad?

How do we teach people to treat all living things with respect and care? Fortunately, I have the answer to that: we teach others through example and helping them to feel better about themselves. Also, we can make some new laws. Yes, I am already aware that I am an idealistic hippie.

I've had a sick shelter cat for months now. Everyone tells me to take him back to the shelter. My other cat is rather incontinent and people say to get rid of her or lock her up. I consider them as good family so why would I do that?

Because humans have dominance and power does not give us the right to destroy that of others but instead gives us responsibility for the care of others. It's not just survival of the fittest, it is survival for all because if they go then we go.

Nocturnal Chatterings #13

hey, check out this insomnia parody of "the scream" so cool

-- yep, here it is again
++ well, at least it's been a while
-- i suppose
++ furthermore, good solid reason for this one
-- can't really say i know
-- ten years of marriage...a tenth anniversary is supposed to be good right?
++ well, it probably doesn't feel so hot when you're separated
-- right ...
++ it also doesn't feel so hot since you lost your job this week and got a nasty motorcycle burn
-- right, i lost more than a job when i got downsized, i lost a community of geeks similar to myself ... that's hard to find ... but the burn, well, that was HOT
++ maybe this could be an opportunity, that's what we're about right, turning crap into flowers?
-- not really
++ .....

++ ..... i really don't know what to say when you get in these moods

-- how about, say, NOTHING

++ .....
-- it wouldn't be so bad if i knew what i wanted to do with myself. i really don't. i just want to go to the pool everyday and read and swim and have happy thoughts of popcorn and soda and the dvd i'll watch that night
++ you can do it for a while
-- the world is in a state
++ the world has always been in a state
-- one minute a job and insurance, next minute neither. ...there goes my 7-month debt reduction plan, the super pc i was going to build, and the rest of my list ...
++ you'll have to find things to do that do not cost $
-- is there such a thing?
++ ......
-- damn