Wounds That Break

What do you do when you have to break a promise that you had made many years ago under duress? If you don't break your promise then you will die a slow suffocating painful death. However, if you do break the promise, someone you love will suffer just as tremendously.

Manipulating and sweating out every other creative solution you can imagine, you try all avenues only to arrive at a dead end. You've tried to fix something that was broken before you ever came along but nothing succeeds.

Sickeningly, you've arrived at the same dead end before and wonder what you have done to cause so much turmoil. What must you do to end this destructive cycle? Can you end it? ... or even should you?

December 25

Today is the first year I did not wake up to a christmas tree and presents. Family-less and maritally separated, I awoke to the cats and myself. In addition, today is also my birthday. I spent it alone. I'm certain that I had some choice in the matter and could have made some sort of arrangements but could not find the energy to do so.

For the past few years I've tried to avoid the holiday stress by NOT following the normal stream of thought: that everyone is happy drinking eggnog and opening presents with a loving family. I've received allot of pity lately and just recently defensively placated my christmas/birthday non-plans by stating that:

"I hate when people pity me for culturally-induced ideals of what 'should-be.' This is why people get depressed over the holidays and such. I'm in my apt playing video games, watching dvds, eating, and periodically going out with people. that is goood. "

I think I did a goood job there defending my position even though I just felt like crawling under a blankie with some Klonopin.

Nevertheless, I did make it through this damned day fairly well by cuddling with the cats, eating, and catching up on some DVDs. Could be worse.

snow play

Play At "Art" Hill and Forest Park

War Update

What I want is hidden deep within and cannot be found because it cannot be had.

Opportunities come and go

Knowing full well I can jump aboard all

I only catch the rides for which I have the proper ticket

I should move on yet I give it time.

Unable to get through yet I wait.

Unable to open my own door - I swallow the key and gag.

This is not alien to me and that's why impatiently despise it.

Cruel.

Typical VI: The System

me: I'm at a stopping point in my workflow. Is there anything else I should be working on? I ran a report that lists all the update requests on my software.

mgr: you can't do those because they haven't been approved and budgeted for yet. work on the 346 project.

me: I finished that already.

mgr: work on it some more.

me: How do I bill for that? Wouldn't that be overbudget?

mgr: yes, but it is approved.

Typical V: Vasoline

mgr: will you enter these request items into the system?

me: that will take about 4 hours.

mgr: yes...

me: how do i bill that?

mgr: bill it to the accounting dept

me: these projects aren't from the accounting department.

mgr: yes, but we like to "round out" the billing so all is equal.

me: (you are paying me the salary of a mid-level software developer and making me do secretarial work...usually i might revel in this but somehow i suspect i'm being scr*wed in the *ss so i don't particularly care for it .. plus my skills are softening ... i may as well bend over and get some Vaseline)

me: ...ok... do you have any Vaseline?

mgr: yes, actually, i do have some at my desk. ....why?

me: dry lips.

mgr: oh, ok ... you're WELCOME to it.

me: thanks, i figured ...

But For A Tube of Toothpaste

You're not going to freaking believe this: someone was nice to me.

I've been really out of it lately - more than usual. So in one month I got a speeding ticket, a parking ticket then one day I had two parking accidents - one involving another person.

I felt horrible about hitting the parked car and had no idea whose it was. I ended up phoning the police to so that I didn't get caught in some hit-and-run situation then left a note on the car.

Honestly, I thought the lady was going to take me to the cleaners for that mess of scratches and was fully prepared for such so it was quite a surprised when she phoned me and told me that I owed her a tube of toothpaste. She explained that she was able to buff out most of the scratches with toothpaste so I need to get her some Aquafresh whitening toothpaste. To make it even more bizarre, she ended up thanking ME for my honesty and decency.

I'm going to get her more than a tube of toothpaste for HER kindness. She has given me a very very touching present and I am thankful.