Weakest Linked

My brain woke me up this morning. It was shivering so fast that, at first, I thought there was an earthquake but later dismissed it as panic. For the two previous mornings, my heart woke me up with an arrhythmia that I was afraid would not get back into normal mode. I assume that was panic as well.

I suppose today was the worst. With little sleep and not much food to keep down, I've had to take two heart pills and a couple of Klonopin. I have not taken Klonopin during the day for a long time.

Last night as I lay in bed, all the fear hurricaned my thoughts around in my head. I knew that it would be better to get out of bed and take some sort of action but I seemed frozen there with exhaustion.

I kept wondering how much more change I can take without shattering beyond repair. Change is the only constant in life and this I know; but ... I can't accept it anymore ... it has simply become unacceptable.

All this and I start a new job next week. It is a high-risk job so I fear I will not succeed. After working ten-hour days the past couple of weeks I am burned dry with nothing left. I am probably catastrophizing by envisioning myself as homeless or as having a stroke and being rendered unable to care for myself with no one to care for me ... and no money.

Somehow, I've got to pull it together over this weekend. When I finally got to eat lunch today at 3PM in the afternoon, all I could do was giggle because I had accidentally knocked the waitress's tablet under the table and she could not find it. Due to my stifled giggling, I could not tell her where it was.

The giggling has been happening allot lately as well. Others find it entertaining but I am not amused by it. I get tired just thinking about it. I have never been diagnosed as Bipolar but I am sure it is some sort of mania ... perhaps from fatigue or perhaps from too much coffee and sugar.

Today I was driving through a parking lot when I saw a girl walking right into the path of my car. I slowed to a stop and sat there watching as she walked INTO the front of my car. She kind of bumped her knees and just continued on her way. All I could wonder was if some toxin is in the air making us all insane. I don't know.