Party Of One Shallow-Beating Heart

Green Day: Boulevard of Broken Dreams

No Struts

Tonight I received a phone call from a couple of girls from grade/high school. They had recently added me to Facebook and thought they would phone to catch up and ask me to come down to visit. Last I had heard, they were married with children but now both of them are lesbians with girlfriends -- quite a feat coming from a small bible town.

They seemed quite happy but could have just been drunk. I was glad for the call but something about it made me sad enough that I have been thinking about how good it would be to just go to sleep and not wake up. Maybe it was the ease at which I could talk to them (having grown up with them in a tiny class of twenty) or maybe it was the ease at which they seemed to be living life ... either way, I was left with the deep sadness.

I don't have an easy relationship with anyone, not even my real sisters. Much of today was spent with my best friend -- a guy -- whom I'd give anything to feel something romantic toward. Nothing is easy.

After all was done, tonight ended with me doing a perfect summary of the same old thing -- playing a fake guitar to achieve empty points that result in nothing while the world goes on outside my door and I know no other way to live ... nor possess the desire to do so.

My Slothful Self

I've tried to keep some sort of structure during my time of unemployment. I get up, answer emails while sitting next to my light box and sipping "coffay." After, I proceed onto the library or bookstore and spend a painful hour reading the same Microsoft exam questions over and over again because I have trouble concentrating. Then, during the afternoon I usually have a task of some sort assigned. Of course, there are a few therapy appointments in the evenings.

So, all of this has been my life and nothing more. I am otherwise a sloth. I noticed the other day that grooming is gone. I've gained five pounds, there has been little bathing, I now have a uniform of Adidas pants, t-shirt, hoody, and I pull my hair back instead of styling it. I won't go into too much detail because it would be too disgusting. I've even tired of the XBox and have finished watching all Odd Todd Laid-Off cartoons. The only good thing is I am currently in an upright position.

Deabilification Of Akathisia (or Chemical Torture)

"Akathisia is a syndrome characterized by unpleasant sensations of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless ... The condition is difficult for the patient to describe and is often misdiagnosed ... more antipsychotic neuroleptics may be prescribed, potentially worsening the symptoms. High-functioning patients have described the feeling as a sense of inner tension and torment or chemical torture."


The doctors and nurses tell me that it is very rare for someone to have akathisia as a side-effect when taking Abilify yet at least half of everyone I've come across who takes this medication complains of some form of restlessness. There are some professionals who believe this side effect is purposely hidden by pharmaceutical companies Bristal-Myers Squibb and Otsuka but; regardless, I can only speak for what I've experienced.



When I was on Abilify, I went into the hospital. As my dosage was increased, my agitation turned to rage and frequently resulted in my retreat to the "quiet room." I had fits of rage uncommon even for me. I could not focus on anything for very long. No one even suggested that this could be medication-induced so that when I finally got home I was left to deal with this new craziness.


I would spend five minutes on the treadmill, three minutes trying to do laundry, four minutes trying to watch tv, etc. Reading was the worst. I could only read a paragraph and I had to read it over and over many times. Having been an avid reader, this was very discouraging.

Finally, when I got back to seeing my regular psychiatrist he stopped the Abilify after I described my symptoms. Supposedly, it takes about 21 days for the body to be completely rid of this chemical but finally -- a couple of days ago -- after 14 days since discontinuing the Abilify I could read a whole chapter in a book. Yesterday, I read another. It is my hope that I can get a job and work again. I was afraid I never would be able to do so again.

On Broadway

Green Day's American Idiot Broadway Cast





http://www.americanidiotonbroadway.com

Two Months

As of today, I've been unemployed for two months and I'm not feeling any urge to go back. I suspect not wanting to go back to work is not unusual. It is the depression that concerns me. Will I ever be able to work again? Will I be able to focus? If so, can I control my anger? I can't just start throwing objects at random. What will happen to me if I can't work? It doesn't look as if suicide is going to be my way out. Where will I live? How will I live?