No Struts

Tonight I received a phone call from a couple of girls from grade/high school. They had recently added me to Facebook and thought they would phone to catch up and ask me to come down to visit. Last I had heard, they were married with children but now both of them are lesbians with girlfriends -- quite a feat coming from a small bible town.

They seemed quite happy but could have just been drunk. I was glad for the call but something about it made me sad enough that I have been thinking about how good it would be to just go to sleep and not wake up. Maybe it was the ease at which I could talk to them (having grown up with them in a tiny class of twenty) or maybe it was the ease at which they seemed to be living life ... either way, I was left with the deep sadness.

I don't have an easy relationship with anyone, not even my real sisters. Much of today was spent with my best friend -- a guy -- whom I'd give anything to feel something romantic toward. Nothing is easy.

After all was done, tonight ended with me doing a perfect summary of the same old thing -- playing a fake guitar to achieve empty points that result in nothing while the world goes on outside my door and I know no other way to live ... nor possess the desire to do so.