That Crazy Lady on the Street? Yeah - That's Me ...

The plan for the day was to get some stuff done in the apartment and then head out somewhere to study for another M$ exam. Nothing was working right so I decided to head to the pool to clear my head and take a break with the assumption that I was too stressed and needed some air, exercise, and distraction.

After about an hour at the pool, the screeching noise of some kid started to grate on my nerves in such an overwhelming out-of-proportion level that I had to immediately leave the pool and head back home.

Back at the apartment, I could hear my neighbor begin to vacuum. Honestly, it sounded like a freight train -- to my ears only I am sure.

Off to the library I went with the assurance that I would have no noise and could concentrate on this bastard test. It may be helpful to mention that these tests tend to cause some sort of psychiatric panic crisis in me just to think about it so it is very crucial that I be gentle and try to accommodate my anxiety and plan for any stress surrounding the studying for this monster.

The library was fresh and cool so I headed up to the top level that is reserved for quite study only. Once settled down and logged in, I can hear people chattering, kids giggling, pens dropping, and books thumping. By now my heart is pounding in panic that I will not be able to pass this test (there are negative consequences for not passing this test.) After pounding baroque music through my ear-buds, the situation does not improve and I relocate myself to one of the special noise-proof chamber rooms surrounded by Plexiglas or something.

In less that five minutes into my timed practice exam, I can hear a kid two chambers over tossing himself against the glass as his adult-person glazed into a monitor oblivious to this kid's behavior. So that is it -- the point of complete unfraying -- the point where all was lost.

I packed up my belongings, exited the chamber and announced to the whole floor, complete with mild profanities and such, regarding the importance of quiet libraries. I then proceeded to pound my flip-flops down the spiral-tiled staircase continuing to yell something the effect of "HOW'S THIS FOR QUIET?! CAN YOU HEAR THIS?! WELL HOW ABOUT..." etc.

I somehow made it out the building without the security guards assistance but an enormous guttural agonizing sound began to escape from the depths of parts unknown. Once I made it home, I had to put ear-plugs into my ears and crawl under sheets to drown out each and every noise that I could feel penetrating into my skull. It was as if my nerves had been completely ripped open and any self-control was long gone.

Then, as strangely as it came upon me, I practically passed out into a sleep as if someone had shot me up with ativan.

That I've been assured that the latest behavioral outburst of the day is medication-induced is of little consolation. Especially since it wasn't that long ago that I made similar profane announcements in a department store and then threw a vacuum cleaner in another.

I do not take illegal drugs, just the one's prescribed to me. This is what I get. I'm at a loss.

Chronic Leukocytosis and the Quandary of Self-Ruination

So it was another tough week. I managed to put in fifty hours at work only to still desperately NOT keep up with my work while spending six extra business hours running around satisfying medical requests for my bodily fluids and such.

It was my first visit to a cancer center and I guess I expected patients as miserable as myself but was surprised as they all chatted with each other and went merrily around with their bald heads, caps, and wigs. I'd always known that potentially terminal patients tend to draw from a strength that most of us, incorrectly, do not believe is inside ourselves.

I've been in bad situations where a bizarre well of bravery spewed open leaving me to handle the storm admirably well only to crash afterwards into a sopping blubbering mess.

I do not even have a cancer diagnosis but when I went downstairs for my labs I began to cry uncontrollably as I waited for more blood to be sucked from my body. My thought was: "Are these people really optimistic or have they reached the point where they realize that they may have an opportunity to escape this misery?" Which would / do I want? Right now I'm too tired to care.

Nocturnal Chatterings #18

--so here we are again ....

+ yep ...

--i was thinking about what that lady said to me today about how i need to know what i want in life.

+ oh?

--i've always had a goal. always. first, they were scholastic-related. second, they were job-related. then i decided that i want more of a life outside of these things.

+ like what?

--well ... to have fun ... motorcycle ... travel ... a home with people ... that last one is a kicker since i've never lived in the same house with people and enjoyed it ... what would it be like to be around people during the evenings or have a place to go to hang out with them and feel comfortable and not stupid ...

--i thought i could get close enough to the first few ... with a decent salary then why could i not?

+ well, you've been sick ...

--yeah but it's more than that, right? i don't even want to sleep at night anymore - i just want to WANT to sleep ... for the most part i had not been ABLE to sleep ...

+ maybe you're just skewed right now from the drugs.

+ ... OR ... maybe you need to make a decision

--like what?

+ like whether or not you even want to live a life or not ... you have been hoping for, like, to have a myeloproliferative lukemia ... hellooooo?? ... then you wonder how and when you would tell people if you were dying or if you would fight the lukemia or let it take it's toll ... next thing you're contemplating whether or not to take the cats with you should you die ...

--what if i can't decide?

+ then you are looking at your life now as it is ... but you will decide one way or the other, you always do ... there are also some things that you HAVE to let go of if you are to move on with anything ever ... the living in limbo is bad ... it's not the first time you've cared for others more than your own well-being but this time it's really kicking you in the ass ... or heart ... or kidneys ... or spleen ... or

--stop, i get the point.

+ do you?

--no, not really. not enough to move on anything.

+ well, perhaps this current state of crappness is a continual kick in the ass ... how much damage will you let it do?

--i guess that goes back to the original question of do i really want to live. i think i have tried but never known living and so i don't have a clue to it's worth. everyone else seems damn damn miserable.

Today I Went In to Work To Find:

• that half our staff is under one company name the other with a different company name.
• that I have not been paid and was supposed to have been paid last week so I have no money.
• that the company is yet again in health-care negotiations. wasn't this decided already?
• that one of our two best developers is leaving (unless he can strangle more money from the big guy).
• that I still don't know how to do my job.
• that there were injuries last week due to an electronic fly-swatter experiment.

why am I not too stressed about it? because I am tired.

why don't I leave? because I am tired and there is less political crap here.

I Don't Have A Title For This One Either

so after yesterday's fiasco with the psycho-psycho-therapist my psych doc came into the office today to check me out. he took my blood pressure and wondered if i even have one anymore. it appeared to be 100/100 ? oh, and where did my pulse go and how am i able to walk he ranted. i dunno but i'm damn tired and can't find my playstation controller so i am stuck with the psp until i can locate it.

I Don't Have a Title for This One

The beta-blockers have swarmed over my mood -- gnawing on it like nothing I've experienced in years by engulfing me with the most primitive crying spells and desperate urges to die despite the means available. I have moments of rationale that tell me that this will not last, will surely pass, and that once it is over I can resume my previous state of misery.

Surprisingly, I decided to seek counsel with someone outside my normal realm: a therapist in a more public sector -- one covered by insurance as opposed to my usual fare of the private practice (aka, she's out of town). I know when I'm headed to the bad place and that any attempt to end my breathing will result in only making matters worse.

I told myself that this would be a good thing. After all, I only need to vent and seek reassurance during this trying phase so surely someone even semi-trained could give at least this.

I was wrong.

Of course I had expected that she would need to take the usual history and that there would be some paperwork but so much had escaped my memory as to how these soul-suckers operate.

Being upfront, I informed her that I already have a therapist but that she and her backup are out of town so what I needed today was someone to listen as I vented. The crone never let me get any further.

Before I knew it, I was being asked about my sexual behaviors and my marital separation when, at some point, she decided that she would solve my medical dilemma herself. What she would do, she claimed, was get all three of my doctors together on the phone and we would immediately resolve this beta-blocker-depression problem (at 4pm on a Friday).

After all the paperwork, there was no stopping her and it was clear that she had a mission beyond my control. She managed to get my psychiatrist on the conference call but could reach none others and sent me out to phone my internist and my cardiologist to inform them of the plan. I went to a phone and pretended to dial as she yammered at the psych doc. She did not even noticed that I never actually spoke to anyone on the phone but it didn't matter because it wasn't very long that she decided that my hour was up and I would have to resolve this at my next appointments.

I did not reschedule; however I was reminded of how I ended up in so many inpatient facilities growing up by being sent to these truly incompetent broken people controlled by paperwork and legal liabilities instead of care for their patient.

During my drive home, I received a call from the psych doc pretty much asking me WTF?

I dunno ... it did distract me from my misery but now it is nighttime and I am stuck here again feeling myself sliding into the pit again. Honestly, I did not think I would be here again and have never fully believed in the power of chemicals over one's depressive state. I've always believed that the way to be rid of depression was to confront the source and deal with it but between the beta-blockers and listening to my drunken (I hope) upstairs neighbor bellowing out "Sweet Home Alabaaaaammmmmaaa.." (again) I really dunno.

status: released from heart hospital today with double the beta-blockers for "Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia" and an appointment with a hematologist for an unexplained high white cell count

fact: beta-blockers increase depression significantly with me already being in the shitter.

result: me wondering how to hold down a job while crying and trying not to purposely put myself into cardiac arrest

i've come so far but can't seem to tread fast enough to hide this i will lose my job if i crash

none

i guess you don't realize

how much you've lit up my life

and how hard it became

when i stopped lighting up yours

i guess you don't realize

that i've been waiting and hoping

that we would become worth the fight

to you

i guess it is time for me to realize

that you are not coming for me or yourself

and that a life with you means more of a life alone

that i've known too much of already

this is literally breaking my heart

to just not harm yours

but i don't think you realize that either

Yo' Duckets

So, here is what it has come down to: the "High Deductible Health Plan" with a Health Savings Account (HSA). If you are healthy and your employer puts money into your HSA then you might not ever have to pay much in health care. Employer will place money into your HSA account and you can use that if you go to the doctor and can also take it with you if you go to another company. However, if you or your family member is sick or has an accident then you may pay a deductible of $5,600 for yourself or up to $11,200 for your family.

It could encourage the unhealthy to get healthy but I don't have $5,600 available. I received my COBRA bill of $1500 in the mail today and I'm probably going to have to either pull from savings for that or put it on credit. I may have to keep the COBRA for a while until I get healthy or die.

I Was Drowning, Not Waving

After another series of critical Holter readings, I finally made my inevitable trip to the ER. As I laid alone in the little white room, I realized that I genuinely hoped that they would come back with some formidable news of my pending departure from this world so that I would never have to go back to life as I have known it. I had suspected this before about myself -- that perhaps I harbored a secret death wish -- but had assumed it was just part of my brooding melancholic personality.

But then the doctor came back and began to explain that all my organs are structurally fine and that no damage has been done so I bit back my tears in pretend relief.

Making the situation worse, he went on to tell me that the whole situation can be remedied with a simple beta-blocker. This made no sense to me as pills have not really helped me before. After all, there has to be a logical reason as to why my heart rate increases by 50 bpm by my just standing up. He claimed that the best thing for this situation is to just treat the symptoms. I didn't bother to explain to him that my heart was actually overcompensating for some other problem and that the real solution rests in discovering the problem and fixing it. I can only assume that if my heart is no longer able to compensate for the mysterious malady then something else is going to come to haunt me later and I will continue to suffer. However, it was clear that he was ready to dismiss me as a hysteric so he could go about his day.

I was reminded of the Merideth character in Grey's Anatomy. Meredith was doing rounds at the local hospital when the announcement came that a ferry had crashed and all medical personnel were needed. She rushed to the site and dove into the water to save a girl. In the process, she became entangled or something and began to drown. Despite the fact that she was an excellent swimmer, she did not even try to rescue herself but let the water engulf her lungs as she sank to the bottom. Of course, she is a main character in the show and someone drug her out ... but the point is that she didn't even struggle and that is how I felt lying in the ER bed. If there were an ocean that I could have jumped into at that moment then I would have let myself drown.

(One Motorcycle Without a Key) + (One Holter Monitor) = 0 Ride For a While

All week I've been looking forward to an annual motorcycle ride of over 100 riders. All the mods on my bike that I had planned were finished and I was ready to go. I knew I had to take it easy due to my current health issues but had carefully planned my diet and woke up this morning to eat plenty and hydrate myself enough. Even if I could ride only half the ride then I would be glad but then there was the walk from my apartment to my vehicle and that's when it all started going downhill.

I became short of breath with minor chest pain so I let the Holter do it's thing and when I got to where I keep my bike I phoned in the cardio results. I knew it wasn't good when they asked me to take more recordings but when the call was over I went about my business and pumped up my pre-ride jams. About five minutes later, I receive a phone call from a doctor informing me that a sinus tachycardia of 150-160 is not good and went on to interrogate me. My rate was down by then but I was told to lay down for the rest of the day and if I have any more such incidents then to go to the ER while he consults with my primary doc.

No way was this going to destroy my ride so I thought that AT LEAST I could ride the few miles to the rendezvous point and see everyone off and maybe meet them at the end later, right? Well, when I went to get gas, my motorcycle key broke in the tank. Yep, there I was with my sick holter monitor and a 400-pound locked Ninja with no key.

In the end, it took two flatbed trucks (don't ask) to haul that beast back to the house while the neighbors came out to watch and snicker at the tiny Ninja girl who can't get her shit right and should be on a tiny scooter instead.

And now I have no clue what is wrong with me and I have to make a plan as to how I am going to fake insurance again if I have to go to the ER (I'm still awaiting COBRA from my previous job because my employer is still struggling with the HMOs).

No Healing In Health Care: The Plight of Small Businesses

Many people have been appalled by my employer's request for staff not to seek medical care unless absolutely necessary. It really does sound horrible but having worked at a health insurance organization and having seen the things I've seen, it would be wrong of me to judge too harshly.

Yeah, you've heard it all by now -- employer health care costs have risen an average of 15% each year over five years to an average of about $700 per month per employee, according to surveys by The Kaiser Family Institute and The National Association of Health Underwriters. As a result, 47% of America's small businesses can provide no health coverage at all.

But how can Missouri even ALLOW insurance carriers to charge 207% ABOVE their retail rate? In and of itself, that seems just criminal. Given that over 99% of our economy is driven by small businesses, it is no wonder that our economy is suffering.

Are you aware that insurance companies can get insurance (referred to as reinsurance) of their own to cover financially-devastating claims? (A catastrophic claim might consist of someone being diagnosed with Hemophilia or having a child needing Human Growth Hormone shots.) As of 1999, United Health Care maintained a 50% Quota share with it's reinsurance company. I'm no accountant, but that seems like a nice-enough chunk of comfortable padding to NOT have to charge 207% above retail.

Another thing that blows me away is the whole concept of HIPPA protecting my privacy. If my health records are so protected and private then why I am I required to complete a disclosure form (see above) detailing my intimate personal health details when obtaining new insurance? If I were a radical then I would suspect that HIPPA was actually created so that insurance companies can get to my health records and either deny me care for pre-existing conditions or charge me an extra 207%.

So ... it's hard to blame my boss for wanting to keep his business and the rest of us employed. It's a tough situation. If one of us goes to the doctor and gets a diagnosis of Hemophilia then the whole company will not be able to ever get health care again. He fought with United Healthcare for at least two months, has been one the phone negotiating with other companies all week, and has claimed he will cover any care that we need out of his own pocket. Gotta look higher than the little guy on this one ... after all, he may be paying for the echo cardiogram I got yesterday and the Holter monitor I have to wear for the next month.

Avoiding Bed

so i get ready for bed ... i get my toofers all flossed and clean then head off to bed ... then turn around and redirect elsewhere ... i don't know if i don't want to have to wake up to another day or just don't want to lose another day ... next thing i know is that i'm hungry for double-dark milanos with milk but already spent time on the teeth ... every night ... got my holter monitor today ... don't know if that will get paid for or if they'll cancel it mid-way due to lack of insurance ... yeah, i have something to post about that but still can't quite grasp the insanity of it ...

No Healing In Health Care

So ... I've blogged quite a bit about health care woes as the past couple of years have been filled with me being sick with one thing or another. I took a new job to get more pay and less stress in the hopes that would help my health.

Since I've been at the job, I've received multiple e-mails requesting that employees not make any medical appointments due to United Healthcare refusing to deliver on their quotes. As I awaited coverage, my blood pressure continued to rise, then my kidneys started bleeding, and I was forced to go to the doctor who ordered more tests, most of which, I had to delay. Yesterday, I was finally able to schedule my echo cardiogram and heart monitor setup to make sure I'm not going to go into cardiac arrest and then today I receive this e-mail:

Team – we’ve had a new development in the ongoing Health Insurance saga. We finally received the paperwork from UHC to start our new group policy, but the rates were 207% higher than what we were originally quoted. The 207% increase reflects the most that the State of Missouri allows a carrier to charge over their “retail” rate. The increase was due to our overall health rating and past medical history. We are taking steps to address the situation and hope to have a solution soon. Again, while we go through this process, please attempt to delay any medical visits you can.

With all the stress, I burst into tears and came home. I have no good response at this time.

Update From the Frontlines

Still breathing here despite the thickness of the soiled and sour air. I allow myself to remain under merciless control of the ruthless forces of illness, relationships, and work. Pleading, I tell myself to just stop it all -- GET A GRIP AND MAKE IT STOP.

Intellectually I know that I can just get the divorce, NOT cave to the pressures of work, and live outside in the world of good health instead of raising my blood pressure behind a computer.

So why don't I? What will it take? A heart-attack, stroke, renal failure? I've got to get control ... maybe make small steps and then take them. After all, what do I have to lose? End up living on the street? Tonight I took my first blood pressure pill. Yesterday I did a 24-hour-urine collection to analyze my kidney functions and then started antibiotics for about the fifth time in the past year of such unknown infections and next week I start wearing a heart monitor.

Yep, something is knocking at my door but I don't seem to know how to turn the knob.

Why Not Today?

1. a week ago i had a little crash on the ninja.

why this is bad: it weighs 400 lbs. and i can't pick it up. this is so stupid, but for me, the ninja represents some sort of emotional freedom and that is why i ride. so ... in other words, i can't control my freedom. if someone else has to pick it up for me, then it is not freedom.

2. i've just walked into a new job where some type of political / social problems are occurring and today it fell right on top of me. nothing new, this is everywhere.

why this is bad: i'm tired ... really tired. i don't want to compete anymore. i don't want to work 12 - 15 hours a day to prove something. really, i don't have anything to prove - REALLY. i don't know this technology. i have a skillset - this is not it. i don't know shit about it and don't want to spend my personal time to learn. been there - done it - look where i am NOT.

3. a fellow female biker went down this weekend in a major crash. i asked some of the others in our group if we should send flowers. i received an e-mail from one in our group that pretty much said that the biker is not the "flower" type and this is not "what we do".

why this is bad: as always, like everyone, i want a sense of belongingness. i have tried but i don't get it. i never get it. i am the geek. i can try to be a bad-ass but i am not. i am not a party girl. i never have been. i'm not even the square in any group but the damn polygon. for once, please, just for once. if it weren't for me phoning or emailing others then i would have no personal contact with anyone. i could go a whole week without any personal contact with anyone. yes, i know it is my own doing in some indirect way. today, i had some physical therapy for my neck and spine and i had to go through my multiplication tables to NOT cry that someone was actually touching me and speaking to me. she even offered a freebie so i went to calculating division.

4. i get dragged down by superficial problems.

why this is bad: because there is so much junk underneath that i cannot seem to unload.

5. a therapist was supposed to phone me tonight to discuss my lethality but forgot.

why this is bad: ....duh...

6. i'm writing this blog post.

why this is bad: well ... i expect i don't need to explain that.

The Non-Violence Of Child Predators

Today Missouri governor Matt Blunt announced his continued pursuit of allowing the death penalty for violent child predators. If you've read my blog at any length then you know I support this initiative; however, you may also predict my next statement: "What exactly is the definition of a NON-violent child predator?" An oxymoron?

Perhaps this is just an issue of verbiage but I do wonder how the government will proceed with handling the absolutely massive numbers of child predators out there (if they are caught). Personally, I have no problem with killing them all but I doubt the majority of the general public would concur -- especially when it is the next-door neighbor and close-friend who is caught molesting his or her own child. Parents ARE a good majority of child predators, you know -- they just do not get successfully reported.

In any event, if this passes then there will be allot of specifics to work out but it would be worth it. I never thought I would say that about the death penalty but it seems to me that the horrific ramifications that these rapists end up passing through generations constitutes such extreme measures.

Quake It As You Will

One-Hundred and Fifty-Seven miles away from my bed at about 4:37am today, the Earth started to rumble. Approximately seven minutes earlier, I had been awoken by the sound of growling cats crashing about. I thought that they were up to their shenanigans again, moaned at them, and then rolled back over to sleep but never made it back to Z-Land because a few minutes later my bed began to shake, the windows rattled, and strewn jewelry tingled on my dresser.

I immediately shot up in bed wondering if I was dreaming or having a strange side-effect to my latest medications. But wait, there were the cats - they were real and they weren't looking so good. Eventually, the movement stopped and I listened for my neighbor upstairs moving about to confirm that it was not my imagination but there was no noise. After inspecting the apartment and finding no signs of damage, I clicked on the television for any emergency warnings but there were none. Still drugged and drowsy, I returned to sleep with a headache.

When the alarm clock went off a few hours later, I recalled the strange event and switched the tube on to the news and sure enough there had been an earthquake. It was then that I became severely afraid and noticed a knot on my forehead beginning to bruise. I phoned the almost-ex-husband to check on him and the house but there was no answer. For the who-knows-how-many-times-this-week, I realized the vast immensity of my aloneness in this world. An earthquake had occurred and I had no human to give or from whom to receive support. I choked my tears back and focused on getting to work.

Not even an hour into the workday, my cubicle walls started to shake, my monitors jiggled, and it was happening again. People began to panic as the world around us became a vertigo jungle. We pretty much tried to shrug it off with jokes but none of us have lived in California so we hadn't experienced anything like this. We all knew it could be much worse ... perhaps, that's why we were bothered. I think my degree of fear was intensified due to having grown up along the infamous New Madrid Fault. Nevertheless, I received the email a few minutes later from the almost-ex who was wondering if I was okay and my fear diminished significantly.

Not allot of work got done in our office this morning but something happened and it was more odd than the seismic activity. It was just the day before that I was mapping out my plan regarding how I was going to cope with the many trials of divorce and now a spot of damned hope was back again. Quakes come in all forms.

Please Pull The Plug

When I was younger, I volunteered in a nursing home. This was my first experience with Alzheimer’s. I was bothered by the things I saw but I didn’t quite grasp the immensity of the disease.

After graduate school, I worked many rotations in a geriatric psychiatric ward which mostly consisted of various types of dementia and Alzheimer’s. This time round, it was hard NOT to miss the devastation heaped upon the patients as well as the families.

Rich, poor, educated, uneducated – nothing mattered that caused these individuals to become so ill.

The reason I was touched so significantly is because they were not always delusional. It wasn’t their confusion or the bizarreness of their behavior but it was the look in their eyes during those moments of sanity (and those moments did exist) that my heart broke for them. Only the most hard-hearted could ignore the extreme trapped, helpless, and panicked piercing expressions that begged for help when their mouths often could not. I’ve witnessed the same scenario with schizophrenics and other psychotic disordered individuals.

I vowed suicide should I ever find myself to be heading in such a state. I’d rather die the most grotesque miserable death than experience the slow torture of a person whose own mind has betrayed him or her.

Long ago, when my body was under possession of others the only thing I had was my mind. I may not have been considered very smart but under my hood I could make a joke or go anywhere I pleased and no one heard or knew. Later, I discovered could even train my mind in such matters that I could go to college and escape so that my body would not have to return.

This past week, my own mind has betrayed me in such a way that I have gone to extremes just to cope. It comes and goes and they say it will not last but I’ve seen too much to not be overcome with such complete fear. As harrowed as my mind may be in it’s “normality”, I do hear-by declare that without my mind I do not want my body to breathe. I am not so fortunate to have someone listen to my eyes and bring me clean underwear so if there is a God then it is my hope that I am heard.

Letter Unsent

Dearest,

You are too busy to do any calling all week yet tonight I should be so lucky as to receive a last-minute call late evening with the message request for dinner. You have no clue what has been going on this week and how afraid I have been. Worse yet, if we lived together it would be the same situation as you would still be so clueless. I would only be of interest should it be dinnertime.

I have no idea what is going to happen to me and I can’t turn to you – the person who I had trusted would be there as long as we were living.

So, have dinner with yourself. That is what I have pretty much been doing for the past ten years.

Unknown Expectations

They tell me not to expect anything from him so that I will not get hurt. Likewise, they would also say that it is not fair to expect something without asking. The problem with both of these scenarios is that I will expect something without even realizing I was expecting it and then the next thing I know is that it doesn't happen and I am lying flat on the ground again -- long-term bad habit of mine.



It's my opinion though, that sometimes certain expectations come with the package. For example, if I buy a new car then a steering wheel, seats, and motor are expected.



In any event, the referenced un-fulfilled expectations are what caused me to leave in the first place so why I am blabbering about it still is beyond me. Time to throw in the cards and end the whole ordeal. I've made attempts but if he isn't wanting to win the relationship back and make it work then the kindest thing I can do for myself is to kill it once and for all. It's like watching your favorite horse spin around in agony - unable to get off the ground due to pain and missing legs ... just have mercy and shoot it.



I should not have had to go through this week alone and he has no clue about any of it. Yep, save up for a gun and shoot it.

Here You Go Well-Tolerated Strength of Craziness

I don't know if I believe it anymore but whatever it is - IT IS.

It was about this time last year that I was tossed in the throws of death while weaning off Effexor - the worst of worsts. You'll have to track down the serotonin-syndrome blog posts themselves because I'm too cranky to link you to them.

"Lexapro has the least side-effects for people like you," spoken by the medical director himself. I had hope.

In any event, here I am having gone three whole days without the Lexapro. For the past couple of weeks I took half a tab every other day. In one day my blood pressure was 150/120 then 90/70 and my heart-rate would be 130. I have been checking my vitals so often I feel like a hysteric - a hypochondriac - a near-psychotic - Munchhausen's by non-proxy.

Now I'm a labiling-roller-coastering rapid-cycler wondering about the proper DSM. I don't know what the hell is going on but I'll be writing my own scripts from now on: etoh.

They tell me to be patient because it will take time for my body to adjust but hell, I've blown a grand this past week alone, raged like a maniac, cried a swamp, and currently ready to slice out a vein.

Bunch Of Smelly Water

Ok, I give. ... JUST for tonight ...

I honestly do not know what to do when the panic hits. Tonight it is my job. I hate what I do. Honestly -- I purely hate it. My life is so overwhelmed with keeping up with the latest technology and taking certification exams that I do not know how to actually program anything anymore. No matter where I go, I cannot win. If I work in corporate helldom then I am suffocated but if I work in small innovative shops then I am overwhelmed. Either way, the result is the same: I want to rip out my jugular and bleed all over the place.

I have no time for anything now but even though I am busy, nothing gets done at work or at home. I came home to an odd odor today and just now realized that it is the empty fish tank where all the fish have died and/or disappeared. That is not how I take care of aquariums yet here I sit looking at it and smelling it and yet doing nothing. It is completely disgusting. I supposed I could just start draining water into the front lawn at 2am?

No, I am not on my medication. They reduced the dosage due to blood pressure and serotonin-related problems again. I supposed insanity is better than a stroke? Either way I die so don't ask me.

I've been in this damn apartment for over a year now and that is of no help. I hate therapists and husbands because neither one knows jack-shit about me:

"Yes, I am being courteous and caring ... that is who I am, right? ... oh well so I must be fine despite the fact that I slit the vein up my left leg last night and will have to do the other tonight after dealing with your mugs that don't have a damn clue so I give up ... unless I scream and throw myself into the floor no one pays attention and I don't have the damn energy for that ... can't anyone just apply some simple logic here? i DID say that i was having some mood problems due to the medication change and felt quite manic but no one believed me and by God I couldn't stop my ramblings ... not having a problem? how about that $800 I blew earlier in the day when I do not have $800 to burn? ... every time I leave it's like I drank a bottle of haterade and lost $50 in the process ... still married but severely lonely and throwing duckets into hole without earning escrow ..."

So there, maybe that's the root of my AM tonight. Yeah, I know; that's another story for another blog post but damn it is not my job to be the therapist now matter how I set myself up. Currently, it would be good if I would just crack the C# open and not fix whatever crap is broken now but I think I'm going to go empty allot of smelly water.

Not So Much Blogging Lately: Update I

10:15pm

...this is not the girl who promised not to be on pc after 8:30 pm but stressed after work ... she did not blog ... began making a music video on geeks venting and editing it ... drank two beers ... she promises to go to bed ...

Not So Much Blogging Lately

I'm experimenting with a new self-implemented personal policy: no computer activity during the work week after 8:30 pm. Since most of my blogging has been in the wee insomniatic hours, I have not blogged much. So ... there you go.

Because of my career, I am on a PC all day at work and then some so this is one reason why I am attempting to execute such a tenet at this point in time. With more certifications and new technologies to learn, now is definitely not a good time. In addition, I also order food, pay bills, request library books, shop, schedule social activities, and communicate with others via the internet. There will never be a convenient time so I might as well go at it now. It's been almost two weeks and I have slipped a few times. Interestingly, on the times when I have not slipped, I have been able to fall asleep easier. In any event, there's got to be more to life than staring at a flat-screen.

Recently, I observed a co-worker who had to go without internet access on his laptop for a whole five days and had a complete melt-down. It was an eye-opener for me who totes around a laptop, MP3 player, portable storage, USB cords, Playstation Portable, digital camera, and cell phone. Sadly, I'm one of the few people who I know who does not go out and buy the absolute latest in gadgets yet I'm still overrun by them. Last week, I even purchased a special charging station to store all my chargers and cords in an efficient manner and am still without enough space for them all.

Only time will determine the success of my loss of habits but I do hope it works out well because the resulting physical problems are miserable and I do enjoy sleep. If I absolutely have to blog then I will go ahead and purchase a new smart phone so that I can blog on the go, right? ........

Doth I Ask Too Much?

Driving back to the apartment in the sharp cool of spring, I wondered how it can be that I can love someone so much and NOT have the relationship work out? It was then that I realized the silliness of my thinking -- as if I am unusual. Unrequited love or whatever is one of the classic stories as old as time. It is not unusual at all and I have no control over it.

If I could have control and could have changed just one thing about tonight then what would I do? I would change this conversation:

FROM:

Me: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
Him: "Meeting the guys at the university and ... " (etc)

TO:

Me: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
Him: "Spending time with you I hope."

Yes, I could ask that he spend time with me so why didn't I? I guess because I often do that exact thing - tonight alone was my idea ... and because over dinner I talked and he was disinterested as always ...

Like I said, I have no control over it. I can't make IT happen.

Bill, Whatcha Doin' ?!?

This week Bill Gates appeared before government recommending that the United States allow for more Visas for foreign workers.

His reasoning is that the United States must hire overseas in order to stay competitive in the international market. First of all, let me make clear that I enjoy working with foreign consultants and I've grown to like Bill in the past year but I have some problems here:

1. Why not invest money into the American education system so we can have our own developers, network staff, business analysts, etc?

2. Where is the lack of qualified staff in Information Technology? I don't see them. I can start a long list right now of extremely intelligent and talented developers who have lost jobs and then were replaced by Visa-sponsored Indian workers who could not grasp the scope of work.

Are You Hillary?

I was hoping that I would not blog about Hillary but I just can't keep my trap clamped. First of all, I'm not going to say who I voted for and who I support but I do have something to say for just some of the flimsy comments regarding Hillary:

1. She is a bitch. Have these people considered that she is operating in a man's world? Let me say, when you are a woman working in a traditionally man's career field then you are going to toughen up real quick if you are going to survive. This, I know firsthand. I'm not trying to be feminist here, but if Hillary were a man with her personality, resume, and experience, would she be struggling so much to get votes?

2. Her husband is a "skank" and yet she stuck with him. I do not know what the Clinton marriage is like but I do know sacrifice when one truly believes in something. It is my suspicion that this woman has suffered and sacrificed dearly. Look at the picture below, she loved this man. However, if it were me then I may very well keep Bill around so that I would not only have the stigma of being the first female president but also the first divorced president (though, I would keep him locked up in a closet).

3. She cried in public. She cried and moved on without bombing someone.

4. She can't handle the 3am phone call. After everything she has already handled, I think she can handle such a stress. This lady is tough.

To close, consider the cleverness of the following quote from Hillary's Ohio speech tonight:

"For everyone here in Ohio and across America who's been ever been counted out but refused to be knocked out, for everyone who has stumbled but stood right back up, and for everyone who works hard and never gives up -- this one is for you"

This isn't just about her own personal experiences but probably hits home for the majority of Americans and how they view themselves. It is quite effective to share experiences in such a way that almost anyone will be touched by and quite effective in rallying people together.

Nocturnal Chatterings: Investigative Time Change

- I really should do a techie blog. Oh, yeah, I have http://www.polyprops.blogspot.com/ that has been very successful.

- Anyway, I'm live in Redmond this week. Whether or not you hate or love Microsoft, if you are a developer you are probably more interested in investigating this place than Disneyland. Looks like I'll be making quite a few trips up here now with the new job.

- But, back to the war, I was thinking that the time change to two-hours later would help my insomnia but I'm still awake. Whoa ... wait a minute ... it's only 9:47pm here ... so it is 11:46pm back home ... so if I usually can't get to sleep until 12pm - 1am then maybe sleep will come soon. If so, then my 12:30pm sleepy-time will actually be 10:30. I like. This will mean that I do not have insomnia but I an inconvenient sleep-wake cycle that has to do with those bio-rhythm things, right?

+ Will find out soon.

Corporate Hell #5 : Fleeing Again

This was the first place to which I sent my resume when I changed careers and went into software development. Completely green, I didn't have a chance getting a job here then so when I landed place here last August I was very pleased.

Six months later and I have left. Though being able to say where I worked and what I did was epitome of total coolness, the reality of the environment was quite hopeless and miserable (as I've mentioned in previous posts).

Now I have another dream-like job. There actually seems to be allot of opportunity at this smaller but established company. I wish that I could grasp hold and go flying up through the ranks but I am so tired. A good job but I never would have guessed that the rest of my life would be such a mess. I'm getting too old to have made so little of my personal life.

Resident Evil

This is no joke. There is an epidemic here. I do not know what it is or why it is not in the news but most people I know have some version of it.

It starts with nausea, vomiting, chills, body pain, and dangerously high blood pressure. Then it progresses to the glands where throats swell and burn. Eventually, the sinus drainage starts and causes numerous respiratory problems. Then a blood pressure roller coaster ensues along with tachycardia. Some have gone into pulmonary distress.

This is not the average flu. I am on my second dose of anti-biotics and headed for a Holter moniter to monitor the damage. It is more likely that we will be faced with some sort of biologically evolved or modified plague before a bomb hits us here.

Nocturnal Chatterings #17

2am

- damn...

- what is going on is that there are events going on inside my head that i do not know about.

+ that is strange

- i have many many rooms inside of my head. i can't keep track of them all but i can tell when something is going on in a room somewhere because i get a static-sensation in my body.

+ the entire body?

- yes. it's like a vibration and it keeps me from sleeping.

+ what is going on in the room(s) tonight?

- i do not know because the door(s) to the room(s) is/are closed. no, i do not know how to open them. it takes a trained professional and none are available @ 2am.

+ i think the rooms are what you would call the subconscious and you have something stressful in the rooms that needs to be dealt with.

- i'm sure that i do but that does not help me at 2am. no, i do not think there are aliens and that i need to place tinfoil over my head. yet. besides, that would frighten the furries.

- i'm probably going to die early of a disease related to all the insomnia, stress, blood-pressure, etc. that i experience. i know i have a fairly bad headache right now.

+ you need to knock out some rooms and maybe that would lessen the headache.

- ...

Become Your Self

In Order to Find Yourself, Are You Willing to Lose Yourself?

Cabin Fever II

So, this morning the cat wakes me up for feeding and I groggily debate on whether to get going on errands and shake the cabin fever. I look out the window to see:

a small blizzard.

I fall back to sleep.

An hour later the phone rings and someone asks me out for brunch. I look out the window and see:a sunny day.

So I go out.

Cabin Fever

Between the cold weather, a bizarre strain of the flu (what is up with this bizarre flu everyone has?), and general depression, I've been in the apartment for two days. With cold weather, I do not do many activities anyway but this is getting to me. It's been raining all day and with each drop I get more antsy.

I've watched enough DVDs that I cannot count. I've read, played video games, surfed the net, and completed minor housekeeping chores. Oh, I also slept through the Daytona 500 so I probably will not sleep tonight.

The worst is when the lonelies start creeping in. There is no time for lonelies during the long days of summer riding, swimming, etc. No wonder people go crazy if they are indoors for long periods of time.

bricks sink and drown so stop it now

he wants me to move back home and live in the damn upstairs room of the house and share facilities. that is the answer he says. i LIVED in the damn upstairs room of the house for the past eight years! he is happy and content with that. i want more. he can find someone else to do that.

everyone enables his denial, concurs with his assessment that i am having "a phase" or that i am just "too wounded" and he is a saint for being so patient. if i am crazy, then so is he. damn them all.

i am tired of having to be the one who has to sit aside while the “hurt” party gets all the advantages. he made a decision to stay as he is. It is about both of us not just myself. he refuses to own up to his part in this. i hate all of you. yeah, everyone wants my attention when they want something and it is convenient for them. it's drained me dry. no more.

My Self-Esteem In Dollars

Ok, so here is the situation: I get a job offer that would include a .8% raise. With my skillset, I am currently making 16% under my market value. I have been the least-paid software developer in any given company for about the past five or six years.

Mistake #1: I stayed at the same company for six years and allowed myself to be drastically underpaid and endured a company-wide salary-freeze for at least three of those years. My skillset and experience grew but my salary did not.

Mistake #2: When I went to my next job I gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. I still demanded somewhat more pay and got it but was still under-market value significantly. I did not believe my skills were good enough and actually felt guilty because I thought I demanded too much and was over-paid.

Mistake #3: When I went to my next job I again gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. I had just been downsized and felt terribly inept and took what they gave me without any negotiations.

Mistake #4: In my most recent interview for a new job I again gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. This is the company that offerred me the .8% salary increase. After they made the offer, I agreed to it and went back to my desk and thought a while.

Software development is not as lucrative as some fields but is much more lucrative than most. Because so few of the population can program at all, much less program ingeniously, a mediocre programmer can make more than the average worker. I am grateful for this and thankful that I can program mediocrely but something is not right. It was just a month or so ago that I was getting offers that would make for AT LEAST a 16% raise. I did not take them because I was holding out for a job closer to home with a better commute.

So I then walk over to the cube of a co-worker and started to discuss salaries. I found out that, again, I am the least-paid developer in the department and that everyone else is making AT LEAST 15% more than I. My co-worker informs me of what I should demand given my skillset, education, and extensive experience. I decided to take a stand.

I phoned the potential employer back and informed them that I am no negotiator but it is past time for me to stop settling for less than my market value; thus, I refused the job. He stated that he would run it by his boss and get back to me. I did not care, I was tired of being taken advantage of just because I don't feel very confident in myself, I am too nice, am female, and tend to be loyal to a company regardless of their treatment. I informed them that had give them my minimum salary requirements and would not take less.

To my surprise, the potential employer sent me a revised offer later in the day increasing my offer from a .8% increase to a 12.4% increase. That still puts me at 3.6% under market value; however, due to the high desireability of the job and opportunities, I will probably accept the offer tomorrow.

It is time for me to move along in the world on many fronts so let's go. I just hope I can stop giving potential employer's my damn salary history.

Haunted In February

At 2am, for the fifth time this night, the anxiety-ridden girl clammers from the den back to her bed hoping for sleep.

Snuggling deep into the fluffy warm comforter, her legs begin to twitch and jump as her breathing becomes rapid and shallow. Suddenly, a large rough hand presses into her mouth stifling any hope for sound. Her flailing arms and legs are quickly subdued under the pressure and everything in the universe becomes black.

Flying out of the now cold damp comforter, she breaks back into her surroundings and heads back to the den to for a sixth attempt later.

Happy Snow Day

Nocturnal Chatterings #16

there is a gnawing in my chest ... somewhat of a sick vibration chewing to get out ... i wouldn't mind if it did then i could bleed myself to sleep ... the rest of the world moves on without me ... i walk around daily with no one knowing ... if i go to sleep the nightmares will come ... i am alone in the world ... "how is my husband doing?" or "are you spending the break with your family" or "are you going out with your friends this weekend?" ... NO NO NO ... i have none of the above ... honestly, i do not know how to have a friendship or any relationship actually ... i learned all i know from books and tv ... i smile when it is proper, chuckle, give the 'serious' look, or give the 'understanding' look ... but i haven't a clue ... i do not know why i am here ... i do not know what i am doing ... i just pretend to know hoping it will come to me ...

The Insanity of a Dry Flood

That the days have been ruthless is the best I can say. With all the ambiguity, anxiety gnaws inside my intestines and I've vomited multiple times. Most people do not know and I do not tell them.

Divorce is hard but not knowing what will happen is harder.

I try to continue on with life but it seems the odds are against me. It seems every week something on my car breaks and there goes any plan of paying off my many debts. With a spouse who has lost the title to the car and has been unwilling to sign it over to me anyway, I cannot trade it in for something more reliable.

Not that I can afford an extra monthly payment since my dependency on Kawasaki Ninjas continues to grow. For a very true one-and-only good bargain indeed (which would save me money in the long run ... yeah, you've heard that one before), I rented a car on Saturday, drove an hour out of town, turned in the car, caught a ride to the shiny red 650 and drove it home in the freezing temperatures to discover that it's previously-rented storage space is not quite large enough for my small frame to maneuver a 356 pound bike around.

I got the furious beast into the cell but it may not run so well again after I over-adjusted the idle-switch to the point of continual stalling. I cursed myself as I walked a mile back in the elements to where I had left my car.

Turns out, I had locked my keys in the tired vehicle and that caused another series of events.

I should just stay home. Today, while waiting in traffic, a tiny elderly lady in a Honda Civic did a hit-and-run on my left-front driver's side. I ended up following her thinking she would pull over - after all, she HAD slowed down somewhat. I was beginning to wonder if she was going to pull over at all until I saw her glide onto a side street. However, two red-lights behind her, she was pulling back out onto the road as if nothing had happened. I looked at my tired car and saw a dent and scratches so I went back out after her only to find her waiting in the drive-through line at McDonald's.

I said "screw-it" and went back to work to eat my cold sandwich. Either I've already had a break-down and am insane or am about to arrive at that point.

Grease AND Petroleum In Your Burger: Part II

I'm sure you're glad to know that there are no wild animals running amok in our local farmer's market. As I promised in my last post, I did get my current groceries from a farmer's market. Except for Vitamin Water, everything I bought was fairly local (farthest being Kansas). There was even a farmer there advertising his milk which was hormone free and cost the same as more popular brands. I purchased eggs, fruits, vegetables, and breads, etc. and actually paid about 60% LESS than I normally would at the popular markets all the while NOT participating in the costly transportation of agriculture!

I'm extremely pleased with my successful venture and will continue to shop there. The awareness of not only the cost-factor produced in our dietary habits but the health and safety factors have become very frightening to me. How many of you are aware of the full impact of the genetic modification of the food you eat? If you aren't, then I advise that you do some research.

For example, were you aware that Monsanto creates special PATENTED seeds that are modified for shipping durability? How do these modified seeds affect our health? I would think that our bodies do not have the immunity for modified food as we do to natural foods; thus, allergies increase and who knows what else.

There are a handful of companies (DuPont, Monsanto, etc) that completely control agricultural economics. For example, Monsanto's "Terminator Technology" causes seeds to become sterile after one use so that farmer's will have to depend on said company for seeds. I'm not a farmer but shouldn't seeds be able to reproduce?

Supposedly, this particular terminator technology is restricted to help the "small farmer" but there are plenty of other ways these companies dominate what goes into our mouths. These companies have also been known to create seeds that will be prone to certain insect infestations that may occur in the year so that the farmers will be forced to buy that SAME company's herbicide. Again, what does this do to our bodies?

I could go on but, for now, I'll just keep trying to buy locally.
There are already many good articles out there for your perusal. Here are a couple:

*CEWAP
*OurFood.com

PS: Here's one for those conspiracy theorists to investigate: The biochemical/agriculatural companies are secretly teaming up with the pharmaceutical companies to completely dominate our bodies, finances, and the world!