Another night on the floor has arrived. It feels like a wicked cornstalk is creeping it's way from my stomach up to my throat about to strangle me. I took only a half-effexor again this morning and will take a whole tomorrow morning in another attempt at titration. If that doesn't work then screw it, I'll take the drug.
I've been blaming myself for my piss-poor performance at the new job. I'm not even good at math so I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to switch careers. I'd been contemplating a new career path and then, in desparation, I installed the 350+MB beta Service Pack 1 for Visual Studio 2005 and many things worked that did not work before.
I have a long history of blaming myself for situations out of my control. I'd rather have a questionable internal locus of control than feel helpless. One one hand, helpless is so much horrible but on the other hand it is at least some sort of reality. It really doesn't matter because either way I end up wanting to do train-diving.
Regardless, I'm still no genius and cannot read binary code without a tool so if I'm going to be mediocre then why bother. It took at least an hour this morning for me to reverse engineer some gwbasic code to locate and decipher just one of the formulas I need. I'm fairly certain that my mediocrity is glaringly evident at the new job and the VS2005 disaster that killed my deadlines has worsened it ten times over. Being homeless and on the street completely alone is a worst fear of mine so I should discuss my status with the boss and get it over with.
The floor is not completely hard. I took the memory-foam off the bed and folded it in half.
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2 comments:
Check out Musing Marc's Blog. He is a great resource for the VB world. He throws out handy tools and links you'll be able to use over time.
Don't give up yet. All new things take time.
Thanks, I do like techie blogs, especially the M$ ones. I really should have listened to myself and stuck with Java and Oracle.
I had been exploring music and meditation and will continue to do so. It is validating to know it is helpful to others.
I'll as my PCP about GABA tomorrow at an appointment.
Thanks so much.
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