last night my blood pressure crashed down to 90/60. it was disappointing because i had a good day on the ninja watching the swell of trees and hills surround me with wonder and hope. but with pain in my chest i later vomited and went to bed sure that the end was near so it is hard to believe that i woke up this morning. god, i was hoping otherwise and do not understand how i continue to breathe each day.
the doctor called and said she has no answer. i can have the disabling tachycardia or i can have the low blood pressure, falling around, depressed, and doped. thank you for the choice. i am amazed at my choices. again, thank you.
in fact thank you to all of you unknown forces - you have given me such wonderful choices in my life. i am sorry that i must have made the wrong choices somewhere because look at the pile of crap i've landed in and i know they were wrong but i don't know what i could have done different. you dirty fuckers who kept my body alive so long ago when i tried to let it go when all you had to offer was the latest drug and a trip home to more rape and violence when you could have just fixed the problem then by taking those bastards to jail but that would have been too hard being the pillars in the community that they are and the nobody that i am.
i realize that i am not special and i do not have any right to bury myself in self-loathing when so many others fight hard to make it through but ... i have no but ... i have no more arguments.
Posts
2 comments:
I have been reading you for a while now and would wonder what your demons were. Now I understand. Know that someone wishes you well and at peace while alive. I wish you to be a survivor and a victim no longer. All of course, easier said than done.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Post a Comment