Not Quite So Easy or Something Unknown Is In Charge

Since my earliest suicide attempt in fifth grade, I've had countless arguments with death.

I've tried to think back at what was going through my head at such a young age that would lead me to think death would be the answer and the only thing I can conclude is that my interpretation had been that death was the way to make pain stop -- the only escape.

Children do not generally really understand death but despite my growing in age and knowledge, I have to admit that my death belief has remained unchanged since those early years. The only thing that has changed is my wondering about what will happen to me after I die and even that had not stopped me from trying. The only thing that has stopped me is my utter failure at such attempts and the trouble it gets me into.

Oddly enough, I do not know of anyone (personally) who has actually succeeded at suicide but I cannot begin to count how many people I DO know who have attempted and failed. When I worked in social services, I had clients who had shot themselves in the head, doused themselves with gas and lit a match, electrocuted themselves, etc, but yet they STILL survived. The whole idea that it is a "choice" is greatly questionable.

Since becoming ill, I had been contemplating that I could finally be coming close to the opportunity of a fatal disease. At first, I was relieved but as the weeks have passed I have become very confused and have not known what I want. Being in and out of the hospital, going to the cancer center, physically suffering and feeling sick all the time, missing out on the few things I enjoy -- all these things that I would think would make me want death even more were actually confusing me.

Don't worry, I have not become a lover of life who will now blog in a Pollyanna-like-fashion, but earlier this evening I was discussing this with someone and it was inferred that perhaps my view of death itself is changing. Even if I were to get a fatal diagnosis, it would probably NOT be that with a prognosis of a few weeks but instead I would suffer long and hard.

Though it happens to people every day and some within a matter of unexpected seconds, it is apparently very very hard to die quickly for the majority of people. Many of those patients at the cancer center had been suffering for many many years. I had always said that I do not fear death from riding the Ninja but I DO fear suffering for the rest of my life from a severe injury.

Bottom line at this time is that it appears that there is no "BANG - here's your diagnosis and ticket to an ever-lasting vacation." It just doesn't seem to exist and I don't know how I -- Ms Professional Smart-Ass - would have ever believed such a thing in the first place ... except that I was only in fifth grade ... and apparently never grew up in some areas ... but that's another blog entirely. I'm probably going to be the oldest person to ever have lived.