Update From the Front Lines

The War Within is on hiatus for an undetermined amount of time.

My Response

Don’t write to me. I don’t want to hear your sob story of your desire to have your family together once before you die. There is no family here of yours. That you claim to have changed by going to church and reading a bible does not impress me. Your religion is rigid and your hope for salvation is in vain as long as you continue to deny the destruction you have caused. Your pretending sickens me. Even in your skewed religion, there is no forgiveness if you do not confess. I am thankful that you spent so little time at home because her craziness was deadly enough without your endless violence.

You make me sick enough that I vomit. You are a sleazy dirty sociopath and I can only hope that someday I will be rid of your slime. You should be behind bars instead of wandering esteemed through your community with a freedom that I cannot know of and if you ever try to approach me then I will destroy your eggshell world in a heartbeat.

I Don't Know So Stop Asking

Security Guard: "HEY MISS! You can't be there! Come back and step off the gray area!"
Me: "I want to feel the blue light."
Security Guard: "What are you talking about? There are no more trains tonight, you'll have to leave.
Me: ::climbing steps back to street::
Security Guard: "Miss, don't go up there - it is too dangerous. You'll have to call a cab. Let me give you the number."
Me: ::climbing steps back to street::
Security Guard: "Miss, I said don't go up there - it is dangerous."
Me: ::confused ... how to get to cab without going to the street? ::
Me: ::wanders back to platform and sits looking in to the electricity and the void below::
Security Guard: "Are you going to call a cab?"
Me: "There's one more train tonight."
Security Guard: "What is wrong with you? There aren't any more. I'm going to have to phone my supervisor."

Me: ::staring into void::
Me: ::staring into void::
Me: ::staring into void::

Security Guard: ::returns::

Security Guard: "Apparently there is one more train coming through because of the late ballgame downtown ..."

Security Guard: ::ponders::
Me: ::staring into void::
Security Guard: ::ponders::
Me: ::staring into void::
Security Guard: ::ponders::
Me: ::staring into void::

Train: ::horn announces approach::
Me: "Sorry you didn't try for the Olympics but it's not too late for you."
Security Guard: "Thanks, but ... Wait, how did you know that?"
Me: "I heard you."

Security Guard: ::looks bewildered::
Me: ::boards train and leaves disappointed::

Thrown

Divorce after a long marriage is not what I thought. It seemed to be about hate, anger, yelling, fighting, and being cruel to the person whom you had claimed to love more than other ... but it is not like that at all -- that's just what it looks like from the outside ... for most people anyway ... I don't think my husband nor I ever inherited that privilege of voicing hate and anger ... but, like I said, it's not about that.

This failure rips off every scab that you might have mended so that every betrayal or pain that you had thought was gone comes trailing out of the shadows one after another like an angry mob leaving you crippled, shocked, inadequate, unworthy, and primitively raw. Any dream that you had purchased goes under and leaves you completely bankrupt, homeless, and clueless so that all you can hope for is to get to work and back to your latest non-home before more vomit erupts from your now wordless mouth.

It is apparently not fair to ever think that someone will love you enough to fight for you when the reality is that we are all so broken that most of us cannot even fight for ourselves.

August 2nd

• On August 2nd of this year, I had been married for eleven years.
• On August 2nd of this year, my husband signed and notarized paperwork from my lawyer.
• On August 2nd of this year, I cried hysterically for hours throughout the day and spent significant amount of phone-time with a therapist while my husband was able to go about his day.
• On August 2nd of this year, I went to dinner with my husband and we spoke not of the significance of the day. After all, that is the way our marriage has worked. I could have brought it up but he will say that he has nothing to say.
• On August 2nd of this year, I gave my husband a chunk of cash for the specific purpose of buying some 'needed' school supplies but he has changed his mind and I wonder if I've been taken advantage of or I am just not valued or if this is a passive-aggressive way to get back at me. It doesn't matter either way.
• On August 2nd of this year, I received an insane letter from my pedophile father requesting things of me that are ridiculous ... this will have to wait for another post.
• On August 3rd, I felt relief but tucked myself away from contact with others.
• Today, on August 4th, ... more of the same and I speak only when spoken to because I know fetal positions aren't allowed at work or in public. According to him, he would be the one devastated and crushed and I recall that so clearly yet I see it not in him but only myself. I'm wondering if I am a schmuck.