This blog is about the inner struggles that I should be resolving instead of avoiding.
Monday, August 04, 2008
August 2nd
On August 2nd of this year, I had been married for eleven years.
On August 2nd of this year, my husband signed and notarized paperwork from my lawyer.
On August 2nd of this year, I cried hysterically for hours throughout the day and spent significant amount of phone-time with a therapist while my husband was able to go about his day.
On August 2nd of this year, I went to dinner with my husband and we spoke not of the significance of the day. After all, that is the way our marriage has worked. I could have brought it up but he will say that he has nothing to say.
On August 2nd of this year, I gave my husband a chunk of cash for the specific purpose of buying some 'needed' school supplies but he has changed his mind and I wonder if I've been taken advantage of or I am just not valued or if this is a passive-aggressive way to get back at me. It doesn't matter either way.
On August 2nd of this year, I received an insane letter from my pedophile father requesting things of me that are ridiculous ... this will have to wait for another post.
On August 3rd, I felt relief but tucked myself away from contact with others.
Today, on August 4th, ... more of the same and I speak only when spoken to because I know fetal positions aren't allowed at work or in public. According to him, he would be the one devastated and crushed and I recall that so clearly yet I see it not in him but only myself. I'm wondering if I am a schmuck.
I know I'm saying this from a distance. I was married to an asshole for 17 years. It took me that long AND seven years of therapy ... to realize that nothing I ever said or did would change him. So I entered life with three children...two of whom resented my decision...to support and raise. I also knew I would NEVER get caught in a marriage again. I was single for 11 years and after a seven year relationship with a safe ... read: would not, could not marry...man who treated me kindly and was supportive I did meet and marry a wonderful man almost 19 years ago. They have been the happiest years of my life. So I say good ridannce to this asshole who probably doesn't even know how hurt you are because he is incapable of seeing past the end of his own nose!!
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3 comments:
I know I'm saying this from a distance. I was married to an asshole for 17 years. It took me that long AND seven years of therapy ... to realize that nothing I ever said or did would change him. So I entered life with three children...two of whom resented my decision...to support and raise. I also knew I would NEVER get caught in a marriage again. I was single for 11 years and after a seven year relationship with a safe ... read: would not, could not marry...man who treated me kindly and was supportive I did meet and marry a wonderful man almost 19 years ago. They have been the happiest years of my life. So I say good ridannce to this asshole who probably doesn't even know how hurt you are because he is incapable of seeing past the end of his own nose!!
Your life is not over....it is beginning.
I know you may not think so, but from what I can tell you are very brave and headed in the right direction. I'll keep you in my prayers.
I know this seems odd to say, but I admire your willingness to cry and therefore grow. So many people I know would choose drinking over crying.
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