Dirty Tiles

I am on the bathroom floor staring at pill bottles. The apartment has been trashed and I have no memory of it. I am in allot of pain. My neck & jaw & back hurt so much that I want to die. This is the worst time of the year for fibro but I don't know that is why I am having pain. I've done the worksheets. I've come up with my own assignments but these are no good. Nothing works.

After I first escaped from the parents and started to recover I had a reoccurring feeling regarding the torture from the mother -- how embarrassing and painful to matter so little as a human being that I could be discarded in such a manner. How could I have NOT blamed myself.

No matter what therapy I do, I just repeat it. disregarded, trashed, etc.

No one has ever wanted me around for very long unless they need something. My ex-husband is glad I am gone and is better off. I am glad he is doing well but I shamefully admit that I would like to be worth enough to be missed by him; though, that is why I left, correct? I have learned to want myself around. This took a long time but I had hoped this would be enough but I screw so many things up. My life and my environment are in such disarray that I wonder if perhaps I should have been locked away.