running

I can't slow down. If I would just plan ahead for simple things -- like taking a sleeping pill early enough or what am I going to eat for dinner -- then my life would be easier and I would feel better but I just can't slow down. No, I am not manic. That is one diagnosis I have not accrued ... but who knows, I haven't checked the latest DSM either.

The problem is that I'm running -- always running. I run so much that I get nothing done. If I am walking through the house to put something in the laundry room then I get distracted and pick up something else then get distracted and start another task and soon enough the laundry room is forgotten until I go to try and find whatever it is I was trying to relocate.

Work is the worst. I cannot focus. Today I had to escape to an empty office because the noise and walls were strangling me. I do not understand why it is so difficult to manage software development. I know that there are too many variables for anything to be exact but, crap, we have such huge bottlenecks that I'm often left with nothing to do but wait for the seemingly inevitable pink slip and if I do not learn how to control my stress over it then I'm going to end up in worse shape than ever. I like this company and don't want a new job either. Gawd, the world is being run by idiots.

I do not know how to stop running. I want to -- truly I do. This must be a bad one to keep me moving so much. I hope I can get through it instead of running past it all the time.

Too Many Dots

Today was like free-fall through hell. I do not know what comes over me. It is not the first time -- this I have gathered from my words. We scrunch the jagged edges of the puzzle relentlessly to see where each part fits. Suddenly it is like I do not know who I am or where I've been. Again, nothing new, but I thought this had passed. I find I have been doing things all along that I have not known about.

I feel like a broken movie fragmenting back and forth out of order from one minute to the next. Static fuzz crackle and how to get something done for my crazy job with no work to do.

My guidance is slipping and I fell more thinking about it but dragged out the box and began to write without even having to look inside. I don't even stop to eat or drink. At some point though, I WILL have to look. There are too many dots. These dots are all over the place : ... ... ...

whether or not to worry about the chairs

She says to give up the shame and self-blame -- that I am worrying about the deck chairs when the whole Titanic is going down.

I do not know why some things stick and some do not. Last week she drew a longitudinal diagram of my events. I have to see the whole sum and not just one part.

Pixelated bitmaps swirl within my head and soul in such a tidal wave that there is nothing more I can do for this day but to come home, take my pills, hope for sleep, and hope that if I am awake tomorrow that I can get up and fulfill duties at my job while it lasts.