12.12.09
After over a week in the unit, I did a quick check of my voicemail and discovered a message from my sister. My mother had died. My presence was requested ASAP but I was behind locked doors. At first I panicked and then I went numb. I was grateful for the Seroquel ... and anything else they give me.
Did she know what I had done? Her body is in a morgue somewhere. Is she watching me now? Did she feel my heart stop when I over-dosed so that this is why hers failed? These are the questions that traipse back and forth.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
December Melting -- Day 9: Something Broken
12.11.09
The days are blurring together now into a mix of depression and agitation. I woke up tearful today and realized that this would have been my last day on my job before it would be outsourced overseas. I don't think I realized the pressure this pending loss had been weighing on me but I know now that I never want to be in such an unstable situation again. Something broke in me last week and it is serious. The job did not help. I can't even read one page of text -- it takes multiple attempts to just finish one sentence. For the second time, a counselor in group today suggested ECT. No freaking way ... my intelligence is all I have ... just give me a gun.
I've also been becoming frequently agitated and spend time in the "Quiet Room" as a result. Because my behavior frightens me, I don't mind. Sometimes, I wish they would just strap me down and let me go at it so I can get this poison out of me and be safe at the same time. I reluctantly accepted some Seroquel. Is my depression really that bad this time? Have I lost THAT much hope? What finally broke and will I get it back? Did the overdose irreversibly damage something?
The days are blurring together now into a mix of depression and agitation. I woke up tearful today and realized that this would have been my last day on my job before it would be outsourced overseas. I don't think I realized the pressure this pending loss had been weighing on me but I know now that I never want to be in such an unstable situation again. Something broke in me last week and it is serious. The job did not help. I can't even read one page of text -- it takes multiple attempts to just finish one sentence. For the second time, a counselor in group today suggested ECT. No freaking way ... my intelligence is all I have ... just give me a gun.
I've also been becoming frequently agitated and spend time in the "Quiet Room" as a result. Because my behavior frightens me, I don't mind. Sometimes, I wish they would just strap me down and let me go at it so I can get this poison out of me and be safe at the same time. I reluctantly accepted some Seroquel. Is my depression really that bad this time? Have I lost THAT much hope? What finally broke and will I get it back? Did the overdose irreversibly damage something?
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
December Melting -- Day 6: The Crack In The Clouds
12.8.09
The clumsy clouds collide at the window sill. I find some comfort in just staring. The prequel to this whole saga had been months of being unable to sleep in my bed because of the first part -- I kept experiencing large hands grab my small feet and begin to drag me out of bed; then, BLANK. That's it.
I try to go to sleep. The hands. My body shoots out of bed. Eventually, I just started going automatically to the couch. No one knew. No one could help. I was clueless and felt as if Paranormal Activity was occurring.
It was when I spent last night in the "Quiet Room" that the third part hit me -- that SHE knew. The mother knew I was in danger when this was going on in the next room yet she did nothing.
A crack in the cloud that never could can complete.
The clumsy clouds collide at the window sill. I find some comfort in just staring. The prequel to this whole saga had been months of being unable to sleep in my bed because of the first part -- I kept experiencing large hands grab my small feet and begin to drag me out of bed; then, BLANK. That's it.
I try to go to sleep. The hands. My body shoots out of bed. Eventually, I just started going automatically to the couch. No one knew. No one could help. I was clueless and felt as if Paranormal Activity was occurring.
It was when I spent last night in the "Quiet Room" that the third part hit me -- that SHE knew. The mother knew I was in danger when this was going on in the next room yet she did nothing.
A crack in the cloud that never could can complete.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
December Melting -- Day 5: The Effect Of People
12.7.09 (am)
I've hurt people by doing this. It seems like I hurt people allot. For those who have helped to keep me together for so long, I assume it must be discouraging that I can't seem to manage myself better. I can't live without a therapist and I can't live without having such a figure applying glue on a regular basis. I don't know what to do.
12.7.09 (pm)
With the haziness of drugs in my eyes, I sat today in a group of patients where a loud man who seemed to make little sense most of the time periodically seemed to say such extremely meaningful and insightful things that I would not normally hear from the most educated and "civilized" of people. In fact, it was so meaningful that I had to fight to hold back my tears. It is a shame that I was too drugged to retain what was said but the point that always amazes me is how we are no more different and no less the same from one another.
I've hurt people by doing this. It seems like I hurt people allot. For those who have helped to keep me together for so long, I assume it must be discouraging that I can't seem to manage myself better. I can't live without a therapist and I can't live without having such a figure applying glue on a regular basis. I don't know what to do.
12.7.09 (pm)
With the haziness of drugs in my eyes, I sat today in a group of patients where a loud man who seemed to make little sense most of the time periodically seemed to say such extremely meaningful and insightful things that I would not normally hear from the most educated and "civilized" of people. In fact, it was so meaningful that I had to fight to hold back my tears. It is a shame that I was too drugged to retain what was said but the point that always amazes me is how we are no more different and no less the same from one another.
Monday, December 21, 2009
December Melting -- Day 4: Lost Days
12.6.09
It seems that I must have ONLY laid in bed for a couple of hours but I also know that something is not right because these strangers around me keep calling this day Saturday but that would mean that Friday and Saturday are missing. I only remember Thursday. There is a bright yellow "Fall Risk" on my arm and I am to stay in bed. It seems I may have lost two days of my life and that my goal has still not been met. At least, I THINK that I am breathing and this is real. There is no taste of charcoal in my mouth but my arms seem attached to something. Maybe if I sleep it will all go away.
It seems that I must have ONLY laid in bed for a couple of hours but I also know that something is not right because these strangers around me keep calling this day Saturday but that would mean that Friday and Saturday are missing. I only remember Thursday. There is a bright yellow "Fall Risk" on my arm and I am to stay in bed. It seems I may have lost two days of my life and that my goal has still not been met. At least, I THINK that I am breathing and this is real. There is no taste of charcoal in my mouth but my arms seem attached to something. Maybe if I sleep it will all go away.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
December Melting -- Day 3: Near Death
12.5.09
I swear I don't remember but found it (in my handwriting) on a piece of paper:
"A lady from another floor came to take me to a room. I do not know why. Her words were so alarming that I could not pay attention. She said that she could see 'it' in me and that 'it' is important for me to carry on. After reiterating her own experiences, she went on to explain the steps to her recovery: 'unrelenting, ruthless, unbridled rage.' She 'can tell' that I have not been where I need to go. She says the loss of my therapist must not cause me to give up. She was all foggy so I do not know if she was real."
I swear I don't remember but found it (in my handwriting) on a piece of paper:
"A lady from another floor came to take me to a room. I do not know why. Her words were so alarming that I could not pay attention. She said that she could see 'it' in me and that 'it' is important for me to carry on. After reiterating her own experiences, she went on to explain the steps to her recovery: 'unrelenting, ruthless, unbridled rage.' She 'can tell' that I have not been where I need to go. She says the loss of my therapist must not cause me to give up. She was all foggy so I do not know if she was real."
Saturday, December 19, 2009
December Melting -- Day 1: The Initial Break
12.3.09
"It felt like a gun." My phone, my books, my glassware -- all shooting the fireplace. To avoid harming the cats, I tried to redirect myself to boxes in the garage with no success. Something in my psyche had broken. I downed a bottle of benzodiazapines and started in on the heart medicine with the intent to stop my heart and to stop this craziness.
Oddly enough, I proceeded to arrange my belongings and make my bed so that no one else would have such a mess to go through. I had reached a different sense of calm so I curled up on the couch to savor it.
At some point, red and blue lights were flashing in front of my house and people were banging at the door. Still in my etheral state, I opened it.
"It felt like a gun." My phone, my books, my glassware -- all shooting the fireplace. To avoid harming the cats, I tried to redirect myself to boxes in the garage with no success. Something in my psyche had broken. I downed a bottle of benzodiazapines and started in on the heart medicine with the intent to stop my heart and to stop this craziness.
Oddly enough, I proceeded to arrange my belongings and make my bed so that no one else would have such a mess to go through. I had reached a different sense of calm so I curled up on the couch to savor it.
At some point, red and blue lights were flashing in front of my house and people were banging at the door. Still in my etheral state, I opened it.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Nocturnal Chatterings #25
-- i'm so afraid that i think i might be close to terrified.
++ you've had a long day
-- i can't remember when i last slept in my own bed
++ then perhaps you should do something about that
-- i'm past the point of dealing with it. my blood pressure is so high tonight. angina, tachy ... makes me dizzy hot and sweaty when i stand up. i'm terrified at the thought of how i will cope if i have a heart attack or stroke. i'm alone, completely alone.
++ you should not catastrophize. i'm sure there are steps you can take to prevent a cardiovascular event. wait, look, there just happens to be a new treadmill in our living room!
-- smartass
++ ....
-- i tried the relaxation. i tried the tapping
++ you should blog about that
-- i don't want to be alone in a hospital with tubes in my veins and dyes running up my legs to my heart. i'd rather die first
++ i wish you would decide one way or the other
-- i would like to sleep every night of my life for a year and see what happens
++ it seemed to be better
-- for a week ...
++ i'm out of insomnia quips
-- me too. i'm tired of doing this.
-- OH MY F* GOD! LOOK -- I posted this same crap in May of 2008. i can't do this a anymore. it's been going on many more years than that. omg.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
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