12.11.09
The days are blurring together now into a mix of depression and agitation. I woke up tearful today and realized that this would have been my last day on my job before it would be outsourced overseas. I don't think I realized the pressure this pending loss had been weighing on me but I know now that I never want to be in such an unstable situation again. Something broke in me last week and it is serious. The job did not help. I can't even read one page of text -- it takes multiple attempts to just finish one sentence. For the second time, a counselor in group today suggested ECT. No freaking way ... my intelligence is all I have ... just give me a gun.
I've also been becoming frequently agitated and spend time in the "Quiet Room" as a result. Because my behavior frightens me, I don't mind. Sometimes, I wish they would just strap me down and let me go at it so I can get this poison out of me and be safe at the same time. I reluctantly accepted some Seroquel. Is my depression really that bad this time? Have I lost THAT much hope? What finally broke and will I get it back? Did the overdose irreversibly damage something?
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