I Hate You Autumn

Underneath

It seems like such a simple thing -- to meet up with an old friend for lunch. It would require a few hours on the road to meet half-way and I keep committing myself to it only to make up an excuse and cancel. Tonight, this particular friend, who happens to be fairly up-front about such matters, informed me that he will no longer try to get in touch with me if I do not return this -- his millionth phone call. He went on to leave an extended message regarding the unlikelihood that someone with a cell phone does NOT have it every day and hour.

He's not the first. I've been pushing people away for some time now but I had been making efforts to keep a couple of my best friends ... until lately. My psyche had cracked multiple times this past year, as I have documented, but it was a couple of months ago when my father had the triple bypass that something clicked. Could have just been the treacherous time of the year but I quit. I pushed my best friend away, refused more offerings for outings, and crawled inside.

I have nothing to give. If I can't make it three miles away to get groceries then how can I make it 3 hours to have dinner with a friend? As it is, I can't stand the thought of taking on the phone so face-to-face terrifies me.

I suppose that if I let everyone fall away then i won't have to endure more pushing away.

Halo Geekery

I've been in this line for almost an hour with a little over an hour left. I'm getting too old for this. When I get home I'll pop it into the XBox -- telling myself that I'll only take a peek at it. Hours later, it will be time for work but ... I planned ahead.

When I got home from work today I logged back in and bled out my eyes until 9:30pm to finish the metrics analysis due EOB tomorrow. I never do much of anything so I figure one night of living on the 'wild' side by sitting on a sidewalk with other smelly geeks won't hurt. Might skip my meds though.

The line is way around the building now. All ages of people here -- some getting the boot for being under-age. If the beta was any clue, then it will be worth it just to hear all the giggling and awe from other's in my decade over the jet-packs alone.

My 'social life' might pick up a little from extra play with the guys but hopefully nothing like this again for a while. I've never been much of a rebel.

Hope & Light

Without a home

A heart of stone

Lies bleeding

Fear Of People

Lately, people scare me more than usual and I generally go out of my way to avoid them. I don't even like sending email because I know it's most likely going to be received by someone.

The most minimal interactions seem to drain me of most my energy. Thus far, I've avoided most people this holiday weekend. Yet despite my reclusiveness, I do get lonely. Sometime the loneliness gets so sad that all I can do is cry ... but I still don't have it in me to reach out.