Underneath

It seems like such a simple thing -- to meet up with an old friend for lunch. It would require a few hours on the road to meet half-way and I keep committing myself to it only to make up an excuse and cancel. Tonight, this particular friend, who happens to be fairly up-front about such matters, informed me that he will no longer try to get in touch with me if I do not return this -- his millionth phone call. He went on to leave an extended message regarding the unlikelihood that someone with a cell phone does NOT have it every day and hour.

He's not the first. I've been pushing people away for some time now but I had been making efforts to keep a couple of my best friends ... until lately. My psyche had cracked multiple times this past year, as I have documented, but it was a couple of months ago when my father had the triple bypass that something clicked. Could have just been the treacherous time of the year but I quit. I pushed my best friend away, refused more offerings for outings, and crawled inside.

I have nothing to give. If I can't make it three miles away to get groceries then how can I make it 3 hours to have dinner with a friend? As it is, I can't stand the thought of taking on the phone so face-to-face terrifies me.

I suppose that if I let everyone fall away then i won't have to endure more pushing away.