Resident Evil

This is no joke. There is an epidemic here. I do not know what it is or why it is not in the news but most people I know have some version of it.

It starts with nausea, vomiting, chills, body pain, and dangerously high blood pressure. Then it progresses to the glands where throats swell and burn. Eventually, the sinus drainage starts and causes numerous respiratory problems. Then a blood pressure roller coaster ensues along with tachycardia. Some have gone into pulmonary distress.

This is not the average flu. I am on my second dose of anti-biotics and headed for a Holter moniter to monitor the damage. It is more likely that we will be faced with some sort of biologically evolved or modified plague before a bomb hits us here.

Nocturnal Chatterings #17

2am

- damn...

- what is going on is that there are events going on inside my head that i do not know about.

+ that is strange

- i have many many rooms inside of my head. i can't keep track of them all but i can tell when something is going on in a room somewhere because i get a static-sensation in my body.

+ the entire body?

- yes. it's like a vibration and it keeps me from sleeping.

+ what is going on in the room(s) tonight?

- i do not know because the door(s) to the room(s) is/are closed. no, i do not know how to open them. it takes a trained professional and none are available @ 2am.

+ i think the rooms are what you would call the subconscious and you have something stressful in the rooms that needs to be dealt with.

- i'm sure that i do but that does not help me at 2am. no, i do not think there are aliens and that i need to place tinfoil over my head. yet. besides, that would frighten the furries.

- i'm probably going to die early of a disease related to all the insomnia, stress, blood-pressure, etc. that i experience. i know i have a fairly bad headache right now.

+ you need to knock out some rooms and maybe that would lessen the headache.

- ...

Become Your Self

In Order to Find Yourself, Are You Willing to Lose Yourself?

Cabin Fever II

So, this morning the cat wakes me up for feeding and I groggily debate on whether to get going on errands and shake the cabin fever. I look out the window to see:

a small blizzard.

I fall back to sleep.

An hour later the phone rings and someone asks me out for brunch. I look out the window and see:a sunny day.

So I go out.

Cabin Fever

Between the cold weather, a bizarre strain of the flu (what is up with this bizarre flu everyone has?), and general depression, I've been in the apartment for two days. With cold weather, I do not do many activities anyway but this is getting to me. It's been raining all day and with each drop I get more antsy.

I've watched enough DVDs that I cannot count. I've read, played video games, surfed the net, and completed minor housekeeping chores. Oh, I also slept through the Daytona 500 so I probably will not sleep tonight.

The worst is when the lonelies start creeping in. There is no time for lonelies during the long days of summer riding, swimming, etc. No wonder people go crazy if they are indoors for long periods of time.

bricks sink and drown so stop it now

he wants me to move back home and live in the damn upstairs room of the house and share facilities. that is the answer he says. i LIVED in the damn upstairs room of the house for the past eight years! he is happy and content with that. i want more. he can find someone else to do that.

everyone enables his denial, concurs with his assessment that i am having "a phase" or that i am just "too wounded" and he is a saint for being so patient. if i am crazy, then so is he. damn them all.

i am tired of having to be the one who has to sit aside while the “hurt” party gets all the advantages. he made a decision to stay as he is. It is about both of us not just myself. he refuses to own up to his part in this. i hate all of you. yeah, everyone wants my attention when they want something and it is convenient for them. it's drained me dry. no more.

My Self-Esteem In Dollars

Ok, so here is the situation: I get a job offer that would include a .8% raise. With my skillset, I am currently making 16% under my market value. I have been the least-paid software developer in any given company for about the past five or six years.

Mistake #1: I stayed at the same company for six years and allowed myself to be drastically underpaid and endured a company-wide salary-freeze for at least three of those years. My skillset and experience grew but my salary did not.

Mistake #2: When I went to my next job I gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. I still demanded somewhat more pay and got it but was still under-market value significantly. I did not believe my skills were good enough and actually felt guilty because I thought I demanded too much and was over-paid.

Mistake #3: When I went to my next job I again gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. I had just been downsized and felt terribly inept and took what they gave me without any negotiations.

Mistake #4: In my most recent interview for a new job I again gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. This is the company that offerred me the .8% salary increase. After they made the offer, I agreed to it and went back to my desk and thought a while.

Software development is not as lucrative as some fields but is much more lucrative than most. Because so few of the population can program at all, much less program ingeniously, a mediocre programmer can make more than the average worker. I am grateful for this and thankful that I can program mediocrely but something is not right. It was just a month or so ago that I was getting offers that would make for AT LEAST a 16% raise. I did not take them because I was holding out for a job closer to home with a better commute.

So I then walk over to the cube of a co-worker and started to discuss salaries. I found out that, again, I am the least-paid developer in the department and that everyone else is making AT LEAST 15% more than I. My co-worker informs me of what I should demand given my skillset, education, and extensive experience. I decided to take a stand.

I phoned the potential employer back and informed them that I am no negotiator but it is past time for me to stop settling for less than my market value; thus, I refused the job. He stated that he would run it by his boss and get back to me. I did not care, I was tired of being taken advantage of just because I don't feel very confident in myself, I am too nice, am female, and tend to be loyal to a company regardless of their treatment. I informed them that had give them my minimum salary requirements and would not take less.

To my surprise, the potential employer sent me a revised offer later in the day increasing my offer from a .8% increase to a 12.4% increase. That still puts me at 3.6% under market value; however, due to the high desireability of the job and opportunities, I will probably accept the offer tomorrow.

It is time for me to move along in the world on many fronts so let's go. I just hope I can stop giving potential employer's my damn salary history.

Haunted In February

At 2am, for the fifth time this night, the anxiety-ridden girl clammers from the den back to her bed hoping for sleep.

Snuggling deep into the fluffy warm comforter, her legs begin to twitch and jump as her breathing becomes rapid and shallow. Suddenly, a large rough hand presses into her mouth stifling any hope for sound. Her flailing arms and legs are quickly subdued under the pressure and everything in the universe becomes black.

Flying out of the now cold damp comforter, she breaks back into her surroundings and heads back to the den to for a sixth attempt later.