Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Why Not Today?
1. a week ago i had a little crash on the ninja.
why this is bad: it weighs 400 lbs. and i can't pick it up. this is so stupid, but for me, the ninja represents some sort of emotional freedom and that is why i ride. so ... in other words, i can't control my freedom. if someone else has to pick it up for me, then it is not freedom.
2. i've just walked into a new job where some type of political / social problems are occurring and today it fell right on top of me. nothing new, this is everywhere.
why this is bad: i'm tired ... really tired. i don't want to compete anymore. i don't want to work 12 - 15 hours a day to prove something. really, i don't have anything to prove - REALLY. i don't know this technology. i have a skillset - this is not it. i don't know shit about it and don't want to spend my personal time to learn. been there - done it - look where i am NOT.
3. a fellow female biker went down this weekend in a major crash. i asked some of the others in our group if we should send flowers. i received an e-mail from one in our group that pretty much said that the biker is not the "flower" type and this is not "what we do".
why this is bad: as always, like everyone, i want a sense of belongingness. i have tried but i don't get it. i never get it. i am the geek. i can try to be a bad-ass but i am not. i am not a party girl. i never have been. i'm not even the square in any group but the damn polygon. for once, please, just for once. if it weren't for me phoning or emailing others then i would have no personal contact with anyone. i could go a whole week without any personal contact with anyone. yes, i know it is my own doing in some indirect way. today, i had some physical therapy for my neck and spine and i had to go through my multiplication tables to NOT cry that someone was actually touching me and speaking to me. she even offered a freebie so i went to calculating division.
4. i get dragged down by superficial problems.
why this is bad: because there is so much junk underneath that i cannot seem to unload.
5. a therapist was supposed to phone me tonight to discuss my lethality but forgot.
why this is bad: ....duh...
6. i'm writing this blog post.
why this is bad: well ... i expect i don't need to explain that.
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4 comments:
I'm not sure what to say to something like this. But I thought I should say something. And I just did but you didn't hear it because I'm on the other side of the planet from you. You'll just have to take my word for it.
It can't rain all the time.
Well, hell girl, you need a change. Like totally. I hate seeing you like this. I'm also sorry you wrecked your bike... you didn't say if you were hurt. Were you?
PS You might go see a massage therapist; I find that very helpful in the touch therapy department, but it took me a while to (a) work up the nerve and (b) find the right person who understood that some people have issues.
This is Hong Kong checking on you. Where you at?
Thanks. I am hanging in. Will post soon.
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