My Family Psychosis Debuts on Facebook

So a few months ago I started debating as whether or not to add people from my past to my Facebook account. Plowing further ahead, I added a few; however, somewhere in the process I ended up with three family members. First, there was my nephew -- easy add. Second, was Sister #1 -- ok, possibly easy enough to add. Third, and most recently, my belligerent niece requested an add -- um ... this might be trouble ... but ok I added her.

Now, Sister #1 has requested that I add Sister #2 to my Facebook and this is really eating at me. If Sister #2 wants to add me then why not just add me? Sister #2 is so not trustworthy. Anything she would see about me might be reported back to the parents. Sister #2 is not stable and does not live in reality. She is paranoid that people are watching her day and night. For her Facebook account, she spelled her first and last name differently and I believe this is more evidence of her psychosis -- to believe she must be in hiding. I noticed she also has two other Facebook accounts with different versions of her name.

She records phone calls and displays other paranoid behaviors as well. It kills me to see that. Honestly, it kills me that she lives like that. As if our family could not get any crazier she is living like that and Sister #1 is pulling me back into it for who knows why. God I feel so hopeless. I emailed Sister #1 and asked her about why Sister #2 has multiple accounts and she just responded that she "only knows about one Facebook account." That's all I get from her is one sentence. Sister #2 is psychotic and paranoid but Sister #1 won't see it. I could bear my soul to her and the best I could hope for would be one sentence ... but that is another story entirely.

Finito

I once had a Pachebel dream
Where though the night outside was cold
The table inside was set and warm

In our thick cabled sweaters
We gathered around glowing candles
While Canon In D was deep in our eyes

No need for hope, we had all we needed
Most certainly no ordinary people,
We were adagio and vivace

Now dissipated and diminished to silence,
The dream went away with the people
Who never really were to begin with

Just court notations and paper.

Passenger or Passengers

“There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.”*

All the passengers in my head yell and scream. Rare is control. Struggling to get upright again before I am knocked back down. Crash, apply band-aid, repeat. I hate you. There are pills for you so I sleep on the couch. No one wants to help you. Damn bed. Sad bed. Horrific bed. Abandoned bed. Everyone is gone but you. You still stay.

* Will Shriner

PassageWays

If you had the right things to say
then would you say them?

If you had the right things to hear
then would you hear them?

If you had the right things to see
then would you see them?

If you had the right things to know
then would you know me?

Or would you take away any chance I have

to view myself
to hear myself

to see myself

and

to know myself ?

Passages

Around 3am I woke myself up with my yelling and then quickly scanned the couch for snakes. This hasn't happened for a while.

I've been spending allot of nights on the couch. When bedtime comes I suddenly seem short on time and long on things that have to be done immediately. I haven't been bothering with sleep meds either. Bed seems impossible so tricking myself into sleeping on the couch is my best bet. I try to lay down but my body shoots up as if it is tied to a string and I am just a passenger along for the ride.

Maybe I am.

Human Resources

11/09/2009 : 2PM

Placement Firm Manager (PFM): Your interview with "Company B" went well but they decided to go with a different skillset.
Me: Ok, thanks.

11/10/2009 : 10:15AM
PFM: Good news, "Company B" is interested in you for another position and would like to proceed with the next round of interviews after all."
Me: Great, thanks.

11/17/2009 : 1PM
PFM: Looks like you got positive reviews from everyone. "Company B" would like to bring you on as a direct hire and they'll let us know more this week.
Me: Wonderful, thanks.

11/17/2009 : 1:30PM
PFM: "Company B" has determined that they will already have the resources they need for this position so they are going to have to let you go but will contact us know should something open up in January.
Me: Let me go? I haven't been hired yet. They are messed up.
PFM: Yeah, makes us look as if we operate smoothly.
Me: Right ... thanks.

My Not-Last-Day At Work

Manager: Well, today is your last day, huh? I'd like to thank you for the help you have provided us during this difficult situation.

Me: You're welcome.

Manager: Actually, we'd like you to stay on a few more days to help us out if you can.

::: negotiations occur :::

Manager: Good, so now we have until 11/25. Go ahead and start looking over 'Project A' and I'll work on getting you some tasks for Monday.

Me: But I've been working on 'Project B,' it's far from ready, and I'm the only one with the expertise.

Manager: Yes, I know, but technically only the overseas folks can bill that project right now.

Me: So, you're keeping me for a project that is not mine and that you do not have any tasks for?

Manager: Correct. Have a good weekend!

When The Body Attacks Itself: Follow-Up

At first I was just really sleepy (and glad to have hope for sleep); however, when I awoke the next morning, I was hardly able to get out of bed. When I did arise, I had no detectable blood pressure and could not walk straight. After moving around some, I was finally able to get a blood pressure but was not ok for the rest of the day. As I mentioned last time, there has been arguing as to whether or not I should be taking certain prescriptions for the glands that are being destroyed by my immune system. I had decided to hold off and not make any sudden decisions. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying enough attentions when the homeopathic practitioner gave me FIVE different bottles of 'natural' remedies. Despite my knowledge that these chemicals are STILL drugs, I took them. All of them (as recommended). I was too ashamed to phone my regular MD so I phoned the homeopath. By that time my bp had already skyrocketed to stroke level and crashed again. Her solution is to start taking them slowly, one at a time, let my body adjust, and see if one causes an adverse reaction. Who knows what will happen. The bottom line is to be careful when taking anything -- FDA approval or not.

When The Body Attacks Itself

"Autoimmune disorders are diseases caused by the body producing an inappropriate immune response against its own tissues. Sometimes the immune system will cease to recognize one or more of the body’s normal constituents as “self” and will create antibodies that attack its own cells, tissues, and/or organs."
They argue as to what to do with me and try to force me to make decisions I know little about. The traditional doctors say to not take the medicine yet since there is some functioning in my glands and more medicine might worsen my heart and lungs; however, the homeopathic doctor says to take the medicine because this may help my glands and relieve the problems associated with my heart and lungs.

For now, I've decided to do neither. I am going to wait. Lab results show I am so off in so many areas that it is possible that some homeopathic medicines may help significantly but that they may be slow to assist as my heart condition worsens at a quicker pace. I am still going to wait.

The whole autoimmune problem actually makes perfect sense to me. I mean, for the majority of my life my body has been on high-alert and attacked. Also, when there was no outside source doing the attacking then I did plenty of it on my own. I've cut myself ... overdosed myself ... starved myself ... how could this body know any different? The big question is can it be re-taught to not attack itself and if so, then how?

I'd Like To Put Down My Gun Please

Insomnia is back. I haven't been able to make myself go to bed for weeks now. It is not as if I am not tired or sleepy but that I have to practically wrestle myself just to go to bed. I can't lie still. There have been times when I've managed to sneak around the issue by sleeping on the couch but this is not reliable enough. Last night I was up until 4:30am when I finally took myself to bed with my mp3 player -- headphones in ears. I was awoken a couple hours later by a cat chewing on them. I should have known better.

Today is another rare beautiful day and I was hoping to get out and enjoy it for a change but all I can seem to do thus far is cry. I've tried everything: psychotherapy, music, relaxation techniques, warm milk, mega-drugs. Nothing helps lately. For weeks this has been going on.

Selling Out Your Heroes

Today I sit at my desk stewing my blood pressure to greater heights as I listen to management around me dividing up my job duties amongst a list of overseas staff. Often, developers become so entrenched in their products that it becomes very personal. This particular project is personal to me. I put it's insides together, I molded it and I shaped it. It feels as if they may as well be dividing up one of my own cats. "Ok, who gets the thigh and who gets the leg?"

Heartless. It has all been heartless. Management had started pursuing me in March and despite working seventy hours a week under lousy circumstances, I turned them down three times before finally conceding to their alleged ideal working conditions and pay. A week into the job the company was acquired by a larger company (who was later acquired by an even larger company) and it was announced that all developer jobs will go to India. My job was going away.

Next Friday the thirteenth will be my last day. I am the only developer left and then there will be none. I do not have to say that now is not a good time to be unemployed but that is not what bothers me the most. What eats away at me is that they knowingly lied to lure me from a permanent job to one that would be gone. There is no doubt upper management knew my fate but proceeded anyway just to get a couple projects out the door a little faster.

So here I sit listening to them. With the profit they are making, they do not care. There are 50 developers in India that are replacing the six in this office alone. I can't imagine how that is possible. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't met them on the phone. I've been patient and professional but, sitting here now ... my rage has not only sprouted but multiplied into a monster living in my chest.

I open up the command prompt and remember a developer who simply deleted his entire hard drive, picked up his stuff, and walked out the door. He had helped make this company from it's first day of existence and was devastated. I listen to the suits, then look at the blinking prompt waiting my next move ... I ponder ... then I debate some more ... but finally, I type 'exit' and the window closes. Picking up my backpack, I tell myself that I just won't come back -- leave their product hanging undone -- but I think of the customer and I know I won't.

Washed Underneath Into Cold

One minute here, a few hours later there. Wind causes a scraping sound, a numbness begins to settle within my eyes, the fog appears inside my head, I lose my breath as my chest begins to pound. Not a good year for pounding. I used to fight it, "no", I'd say, but I've been so tired with no sleep and everything becomes like a movie happening to someone else and at any time I will be pulled underneath the cold current and washed away to a place I do not remember so that I do not care. The smell of fresh damp soil and BANG a slow-motion movie playing in my head and bang I am somewhere else yet again.

I am not stupid. I am not completely psychotic. I am CoNSISTENt:

http://the-war-within.blogspot.com/2007/08/haunted-in-august.html

http://the-war-within.blogspot.com/2007/08/haunted-in-august-ii.html

http://the-war-within.blogspot.com/2007/08/haunted-in-august-iii.html

http://the-war-within.blogspot.com/2007/10/haunted-in-october.html

http://the-war-within.blogspot.com/2007/10/chase-run.html

http://the-war-within.blogspot.com/2009/10/haunted.html