Crushed Dreams of Greatness

Despite the poverty, craziness, and loneliness of my early years, I'd always believed that I was destined for greatness. Given my low esteem and shyness, seems ironic that I would think that ... but I was a dreamer. It wasn't the fame-or-fortune-type of greatness I sought but something more deep and profound.

I thought I had found my path by dedicating myself to others via social services. So idealistic was I that I convinced myself that if I could just help one person then my life would be complete. Looking back now, I would rephrase -- so IDIOTIC AND NAIVE was I that I convinced myself that if I could just help one person then my life would be complete.

It was some time later that I realized that I needed to save myself first...but I couldn't...and still can't even though I know that no one else can. I can't think of anything else that I could have done differently. After all, I've taken the pills, seen the therapists, gotten the grades, held good jobs, avoided legal troubles, and paid the bills.

I don't know why I bother. It is as if an unknown force pushes me through against my will. Lazzy the betta continues to fight and struggle as I continue to watch him in hopes that I can figure out why he bothers -- is it by choice or does he have an unknown force as well? If it is by choice, then why is it? If I can figure it out why he continues on then perhaps I'll know why I continue on as well.

The True Fighting Spirit of the Betta Spendens and How do We Ever Survive? #2

Lazzy rests his body on top of a leaf near the surface of the water so that he can breathe easier. He is too tired to do much swimming but at the sound of my voice he pushes himself forward. I assume he is wanting to eat but it is very difficult because the left side of his face has been eaten away by some unknown creature that I can't see. He has been on every antibiotic and anti-parasitic possible for the past three months and I now question my ethics on keeping him alive. He wants to live so very much that it seems wrong for me not to help him yet I know he is in horrible pain so it also seems wrong to not let him go.

Oddly enough, it's also been about three months since I started titration from the anti-depressants I've been swallowing for the past 16 years. The adults started giving me the pills as a teen and I can't say the chemicals have done me much good either -- especially now, as Effexor withdrawal seems worse than any benefit I have ever had. If someone is in horrible pain then perhaps it is best to let him or her go.

Hope #1

"Sometimes...for some people...things don't work out as they might have HOPED. .......HOPE...is a currency for people who know they're losing...the more familiar you are with hope the less beautiful it becomes. ....you'll never wake up a new person but someday you might wake up and see things, hear things, and think things differently."*

When we are young, we bask our world in a safe warm glow. Then we die as reality breaks through. We develop vices to move us through until one day we find ourselves on a path that goes two ways: away from ourselves or towards ourselves. Consciously or unconsciously, we WILL choose which way to go.

In life, we are all assigned the task of finding our true selves -- as opposed to the self others may have taught us we are. If we find ourselves, then we find the Higher Power others speak about.

But what happens if you do all the right things and life still doesn't work the way you'd hoped? Does that mean that what you thought was "right" was realy wrong? Do you give up? Do you keep trying? If you do keep trying, do you do things differently even if it doesn't seem right?

*Sixteen Years of Alcohol, 2003.

Corporate Hell #2

A whole is supposedly equal to the "sum of it's parts" but in corporate life I'd say it's more like the "average" -- the average of upper management, that is. Everything trickles down from the top and if the top is full of crap...well, you know.

I tend to look at such matters from a systems-theory viewpoint where everyone is part of a set of relationships and dynamics that are either constructive or destructive. Everyone plays off of their dependencies with one another and so on... However, if the core of the system is full of crap...well, you know.

I really don't care about this whole fecal ecosystem and they can all be left aflame in a paper-bag on a doorstep for all I care. The problem, as always, occurs when truly good-hearted and hard-working people get sucked into these smelly hurricanes.

Let me give you a real example: Greg is the CEO playboy-wanna-be yes-man who hires John the manager playboy-wanna-be yes-man so that he can build his "good-ole boys club." John hires Joan the Barbie-like supervisor, for obvious reasons, who has no business knowledge (or, really, ANY knowledge.) Joan hires Sally the average employee because she can unconsciously relate to her. Sally is married to a man who can't hold a job and makes his living off of creating workman's comps claims. Sally cheats on her timecard, enters fake data because she is too lazy to do her job, and has nooners with Mary Jane (meaning pot.) As a result, the company sucks, business crashes, the board calls in a hired-gun and the restructuring begins.

In the meantime, there is Ann who has been with the company for the past ten years and has been quite faithful by working hard, not missing work, and advancing herself. Likewise, Mike has been with the company for the past eight years and has earned a much-deserved six weeks of vacation which he likes to spend with his kids while they are young.

But when the restructuring occurs, Ann and Mike get demoted to jobs beneath them while Sally comes out unscarred. The restructuring takes five-plus years and people develop depression, high blood pressure, insomnia, ulcers, and heart disease.

We have all kinds of basic human rights but screw anything of a higher-level. Now that employers can just do a mass e-mail of pink-slips to 400 members of their staff...well, you know.

Back to the system's theory and the average of parts, corporate life is really like any other organism from a single cell to a government to a nation. It all comes down to the core and that is you and I. If you change yourself for the better then you have changed the world, correct?

I don't know. Tell this to Mike who had to get a new job and miss his eldest son's graduation or Ann who invested her skills in a company who demoted her to work under staff more than half her age. Why do we bother?

http://www.workplacefairness.org

The Best Treasures Lie Off the Path (so don't get back on)

I snuck off the worn path to track the snapping noise of twigs, found my way to a stream, and crouched still upon a rock that was just large enough for me. Though I was too late and too noisy for the furry creature I was stalking, I spotted new prey. I must have waited forever with my finger on the trigger before he finally swam back up to the surface and I snapped him quick with my Canon PowerShot:
I couldn't get close but he was still work the wait.

It was a great hike and I was overwhelmed by having such beauty surrounding me. Unfortunately, I kept seeing my reflection in windows, glasses, and such throughout the day and became enraged at such reality. The human condition is too difficult. I don't know why we bother.

The True Fighting Spirit of the Betta Spendens and How do We Ever Survive? #1

Lazarus was named such because he was practically raised from the dead. I am not religious.

I admit that I over-identify with the plight of the betta. Presently, they are raised to be sold and shipped across the world in a tiny cup of foodless dirty water laced with blue medicine that will keep them drugged and alive until someone might take them home only to put them into another small container with the misunderstanding that "bettas are hardy and do not need much care." Even worse, they might be placed in the bottom of a plant vase or designer purse as a decoration with little need for food or clean water. I do not know why they bother.

Bettas have never had a good deal. They were discovered by the Siam over a century ago. The Siam were so amazed at how viciously these fish would defend their territory against one another that they took advantage of them by collecting the fish and pitting them against each other in cock-fight-like fashion. To make it worse, Bettas have been selectively breeded to make their tails so long that it can be hard to tow such a tail. In the wild, bettas have short fins and are usually greenish- brown. As if they were not amazing enough in and of themselves.

I had returned to my work cube one day and someone had left a plastic container full of cloudy water. I just stood and stared -- wondering what it was -- as a small crowd gathered around me. It was then that we all squealed when we saw something dark brush against the side of the container. Something was living and moving in there and I was not pleased as my thoughts jumped to all the prank-paybacks I was due and surely someone had paid me back with something nasty and alive. It was then that a fellow programmer wandered down the aisle -- pleased that I had found his gift -- a male Betta Splendens, also known as the Siamese Fighting Fish. He knew I was a betta-freak. He found had this guy in his small son's bedroom, sadly neglected. Would I take care of him?

I immediately went into action by locating him (which was not easy) in the cloudiness, removing him, and beginning the slow marination process to acclimate him to cleaner water. What I found was a small fish with clamped fins that appeared to have been dipped in black ink (fin rot.) I knew he would not survive and planned my heartbreak since I had other Bettas with much-less worse conditions who could not hold out. Weeks later, he was flipping around the tank, lapping back and forth, and making flares at anyone who would look at him. And he was thus named: Lazarus -- the fish raised forth from the dead. I do not know why he bothered.

It is now two years later and I continue to be amazed as he has lived through water disasters, relocations, various wounds, and power outages. LOOK NOW at Laz in the picture above after a just a few months of care.

Bettas respond to their owners voice and appearance. They dance for food. They attack their reflections. They get so happy (or bored) that they build little bubble nests on the top of their tanks. They enjoy taking flying leaps out of their tanks. They bite and defend their territory. They have musical preferences. All of this despite being trapped in a human's tank. Why do they bother?

I still haven't figured out for the life of me how or why Laz continues each day to be so ready to take on the world. He will attack and eat anyone at any time. I have wanted so much to be like him but I don't know how. I am beaten up, exhausted, and burned-out but I want to be able to swim through life ready to fight at any time yet hang out on a leaf and happily blow bubbles every chance I get.

Laz is my hero but is getting old. Today when I went to his tank an ulcer had taken over the left side of his face and my heart sank. I'm sure I have not yet learned what I need from this little soul but my time is running out and I do not know what to do.

...to be continued

Corporate Hell #1

I really do see dead people. Each day that I go into the cubicle trenches I see at least one more person whose light has went out; that is, if that person is even there anymore. For simplicity sake, I'll call it a "corporate buyout." No one knows when the ax is going to come or where it will come from. For a while, there was an average of one ambulance a week carting someone off for some stress-related ailment.

Workers just disappear. At 5pm on one day a person will be at his or her desk with family photos and piles of work but come 8am the next day all is gone. I have contemplated filing missing persons reports. Complete Twilight Zone -- no one knows -- people are just GONE.

Not all are average employees but are management who devoted their lives to the company when it was a small startup of ten people. The faithful (or, to be somewhat rude, stupid) who have even had salaries frozen for the past three years (for the sake of the company) are gone. Yep, I have been one of the faithful/stupid.

Despite my best efforts, the bitterness has engulfed my every being and turned me into a giant pus-filled nasty disgusting filthy black acidic canker sore that just keeps on blowing open. The high blood pressure and migraines and insomnia and ... have to go but leaving is alike trying to break through of an abusive relationship with your spouse. All self-esteem has been reduced to nothing and there is no gas to go.

So today I resigned anyway, screw them -- whoever they are. God be with those still there because no one else will.

Hiking Attempt #1

20060910

Since the pool is now closed for the season I decided to try hiking. Given my bum knee and video-game-flab, my version of hiking involves slowly walking in a nature area – such as grass. So today I began to head out but, as always, there were many obstacles to overcome in just leaving my house. First, since I was taking the Ninja and it was warm, I had the debate over shorts (aka road-rash potential) versus jeans. I settled on the long cargo shorts with Harley boots. But, then, I settled on the jeans again. Secondly, I must take my camera. What is the point if I do not have some type of technology with me? Of course, camera was not located. Spying my husband’s camera on the desk, I packed it away but then remembered the dead batteries. After a long search for batteries, I settled on partly-used batteries and was on my way.

I made it to the new trail but accidentally rode the bike onto the HIKING-ONLY trail and had to maneuver the street tires through grass and rock and managed to cut through back onto a road only to find a police officer parked and watching me. I think he could see I really was not trying to do a donut and he felt sorry for my newbie riding.

So I finally found somewhat of a trail and went about my way in thorough amazement at the environment. It reminded me of being a child again wandering through the countryside surrounding the rural town I grew up in. I was excited because I wanted to crawl under all types of foliage and see what the hell was hidden under there. I looked for all types of hidden treasures along the paths, found many, but the batteries did finally die and I only got two shots out.

This left me stuck without technology so I found a break in stream and sat on a rock for a quite a while. I decided that if I could have this particular spot in my backyard (creatures included) then perhaps I could find peace. Somewhere, in that spot, I know lays the meaning of life and peace. Surely, I should be able to sit still and relax... Somewhere I have fallen down into a black hole of techno-addiction. I need a video game controller or a laptop in my hands at all times. It does not help that I am a programmer who daily dwells in a small drab cube where, besides Dilbert, there is no other interest besides technology. I have become addicted to many behaviors and if I don’t find something else to life soon I will surely perish via stroke.

However, I did not find it so I eventually went on my way.

My knee began to give out so I headed back to the Ninja. I was feeling quite perky at my accomplishment and decided to take in a flick. I chose “The Covenant” which I do not recommend just because there are better things to see unless you’ve seen most everything. So then I went home and got stuck on SOCOM III and that was that. Whoo-ya.