Despite the poverty, craziness, and loneliness of my early years, I'd always believed that I was destined for greatness. Given my low esteem and shyness, seems ironic that I would think that ... but I was a dreamer. It wasn't the fame-or-fortune-type of greatness I sought but something more deep and profound.
I thought I had found my path by dedicating myself to others via social services. So idealistic was I that I convinced myself that if I could just help one person then my life would be complete. Looking back now, I would rephrase -- so IDIOTIC AND NAIVE was I that I convinced myself that if I could just help one person then my life would be complete.
It was some time later that I realized that I needed to save myself first...but I couldn't...and still can't even though I know that no one else can. I can't think of anything else that I could have done differently. After all, I've taken the pills, seen the therapists, gotten the grades, held good jobs, avoided legal troubles, and paid the bills.
I don't know why I bother. It is as if an unknown force pushes me through against my will. Lazzy the betta continues to fight and struggle as I continue to watch him in hopes that I can figure out why he bothers -- is it by choice or does he have an unknown force as well? If it is by choice, then why is it? If I can figure it out why he continues on then perhaps I'll know why I continue on as well.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Crushed Dreams of Greatness
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2 comments:
depression doesn,t come with rewards...it is awful. I have struggled a little here a lot there for years. One thing I've learned is that it is self perpetuating. I don't allow myself to think the depressed thoughts even if it means reading out loud to occuupy my mind. And also the understanding that feelings are not facts, they are just feelings. I wish you peace and happiness and a good competent doctor.
I used to think the same thing. I think it is a tale we tell ourselves when we are small and things are very bad. It is our bright light, our possibilities. Maybe a reason to go on.
Waking up and finding out you're just another person can be rough, but it is also freeing. The freeing part can take a while to feel and understand, though.
Be careful and write me when you need to. I care and have for years now.
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