Step Two: Betrayal

"Here comes the wind...cutting down the buildings...looking for someone to blame for his pointless journey...Someone always has to pay...that's the rule...the ONLY rule." *

Just like everyone trusts someone at some point, everyone also gets betrayed at some point by the same trusted person. It is a necessary trial and, though there will be more than one, there will most likely be one core betrayal -- the one that haunts the soul and nags for resolution. Though severity varies, there is no avoiding it. Each one of us will be entrusted with such a scenario. It is the nature of being human. It is how a person processes such an event that determines a person's character and well-being.

"It feels suddenly as if the clocks stop ticking and the world stops moving. The derison, the hate, the end of good. What are you left with other than this thing called hope? I knew all along but didn't understand it. This was a charade. Not a place where people won things but a place where people lost...and lost badly."*

It is a mystery as to how some people can overcome even the most worst conflict while others cannot even turn to face or acknowledge what may seem a simple one. Any one person might become angry, depressed, violent, addicted, fake, or all of the above and more. Regardless, it is a step in this story.

Step one was hope. Step two is betrayal. Step three is the war.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

Step One: Hope

"I dream of an extraordinary world where angels watch over you as storm clouds gather." *

I never really thought of myself as a person who WANTED to be loved. Does anyone ever actually have the conscious thought that “I want to be loved?” …seems too dangerous to me. Allowing such a threat would surely lead to a vulnerability that is unacceptable to any ego; at least, one that is fragile.

Some say that love is an addiction and that the only love you need is the love from yourself. For a long time I believed that no one else’s love would ever be necessary for my well-being. I now think that that is only partly correct and is, actually, somewhat of an excuse for avoiding the potential harm from trusting someone …and HOPING that someone… will love you…that you are ok.

In the movie, 16 Years of Alcohol, the prime character obviously begins his life with the hope for love:

“I've always had a strange feeling about love. It seemed tricky. Happiness and sadness...ugly and beautiful...real and unreal...One thing I've always known though is that I have wanted to be around love. Quietly, not too much, just enough to make my heart feel happy. It didn't have to sing...just smile a little...smile at the world. Love is greedy. Somethings, when things don't work out as you might have hoped, love becomes a dangerous thing. Scary, violent, cold like the mood. But sometimes, warm like the breeze.” *

Supposedly, we all start out in the world wanting to be loved. From our very first breaths we supposedly seek out a figure to attach ourselves too. This is, supposedly a most critical event in our lives as countless research projects and papers, mine included, have focused on this area. The sum of the evidence is here.

But "HOPE" is only step one. Step two is "BETRAYAL."

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

Dona Nobis Pacem

Idiocy In Healthcare #1

Due to extreme pain in hips and back when walking, sitting, or lying down, I phoned the gastro doc who is overseeing my current condition. Since they had not followed up with me since the procedures to know that I am still doing miserably, he stated that we can do another test.

I tried to explain that the quality of my life is at zero due to the crippling pain. The endless myriad of tests are making matters worse for me when I have to leave my job during the day and then make up the hours throughout the night. Why weren't these tests done when they were doing all the other tests? He doesn't know and regardless, has no answer to the pain. When I tell him that I am afraid that I am starving, he also cannot tell me what is safe to eat.

In desparation, I phone my primary care physician (pcp) who stated that we can try an anti-depressant which may ease the pain of the fibro as well as my gastro-serotonin-issues. I tried to explain that I am in pain and cannot walk - that something was wrong with my hips and back - but that does not go through.

In even further desparation, I discover a chiro who does acupuncture and massage for fibro and she works next door. I get an appointment that day but when I get there she states that she cannot do anything for me today but assess me. She might have some tests run. After I explain the many thousands of dollars worth of tests that I've had this year, she phones my PCP and they decide that it will be ok for me to set up a treatment regimine for now until further tests can be completed.

Again, in tears, I emphasize the fact that I am having trouble walking and my hips and back hurt to the touch. Well...whatever, we'll see what we can do and appointments are set up...as well as more tests.

At the end of that day, I made it home and found a letter from my life insurance agent listing the results of some routine urine and blood samples I had given. He suggested that I contact my physician as my white blood cell count is over seven times what it should be. Throughout all my maladies and tests lately, has anyone bothered to take a simple cheap urine sample?

Immediately this morning, I phone the PCP and inform her of the test results and she had me come in right away. After confirming that my counts are dangerously high and she hopes I have no kidney damage, I was started on some strong antibiotics. "Could these damage my already broken intestines," I ask? "That is possible, " she responds.

1. I do not understand why urine samples were not taken when everything else was.
2. I do not understand why I got no response when I complained of my hip and back pain. I rarely complain of pain and never that badly.
3. I do not understand why a physician can't think out of the box.
4. I am concerned that physicians just want to make money off expensive tests.

Nocturnal Chatterings #5

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: ZERO Milligrams and Holding...Complications Persist....

WHO NEEDS SLEEP?
"Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found

With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid"

--Barenaked Ladies, "Who Needs Sleep," Stunts, 1998.

- Yep, another sleepless one has arrived. I think I'm just too wound up from the day's events.
+ Today was stressful. Bomb threats usually are.
- I don't know what I would do if I lost a whole building full of people I know.
+ In addition, it is only DAY 4 since launch. Your chemicals are changing as we type.
- I've slept the past three nights though.
+ I think you had more physical pain and exhaustion those nights.
- I don't think the health situation is going very well. It is going to be very disappointing to have gone through all this Effexor-withdrawal suffering only to be prescribed a serotonin-Prozac-like drug to fix my broken colon.
+ Hopefully you can hold out long enough to try other alternatives.
- I just hope that I can avoid the sirens. It is hard because I am frequently tearful and very anxious.
- I continue to secretly hope that there is something better for me. I can't decide, if I were to have a choice, whether to provide a great contribution to humanity or just reach contentedness.
+Perhaps they are one and the same.
- But the great genius' and artists are known for their emotional suffering.
+ You still have both your ears, unlike Van Gogh.
- Yes but I did tear off a loose nail over the weekend...among other things.
+ ...we won't go there. But you did manage to make one fibro-massage appointment. So we'll just keep going down the list - one by one - until we get done what needs to be done.

Broken Poetic #2

it was too far to fall
the boards could not catch her
so she crashed through them
sending splinters into the void

when she opened her eyes
she could see the blood
and the crawl scrapings
along the walls from her previous visit

certain she would not again escape,
she sheltered herself into a ball
eyes closed again

much blackness -- all within her power to enlighten
but she had no success
she had known it was a risk to try
she did not know that she would lose
or what she even had to lose

Lies

Nothing works. Absolutely nothing. Seventeen years of therapy and she is just allegedly "stable." That's all. No contentment, no joy, just allegedly "stable." Considering the fact that there was no way anyone could be allegedly "stable" during the teenage years when she started, allegedly "stable" doesn't have much credence as to the effectiveness of therapy.

Essentially, allegedly "stable" is the equivalent of "not causing a disturbance" or "is quiet" or "no sirens." Nevermind the fact that her inner world is still so miserable that she counts her stockpile of pills in hopes that the little arsenal will take care of herself once and of all. Nevermind the fact that she is starving herself to death again. And, of course, nevermind the temptations of being crushed under a rail train. None of this has to be concerned about because she has learned to play the game. She is "just so very smart" that she will surely pull herself out of this one too. Again, nevermind that the alleged "brilliance" of her IQ is yet another thing that sets her into more hellish isolation.

Everything is about the bottom line lately and the bottom line here is that she would have been better off if they'd left her alone and allowed her to perish to begin with because hope for anything else is all ALLEGED.

Nocturnal Chatterings #4: I Want My Cake Now

+ The body can only take so much stress and now it has broken down. I know that they say it will be this way forever but maybe we can reverse it.

- I don’t know how that would be possible considering that I am too overwhelmed to do anything about it. One person says to eat grain the other to eat soluble white bread, another person says it’s ok to have nuts, another says it’s not, another says dairy is fine but someone else say sit is a big NO.

- I have so many lists of chiropractors vs physical therapists vs massage therapists vs acupuncturists vs reiki vs internal medicine vs shrinks. I’m just going to put my right leg in, then take it out, then shake it all about then turn around really fast until I fall down, hit my head, and go into a coma. If that does not work then I will have to go to Plan B: volunteer to be a mercenary.

+I think you have to figure out what works for you.

- I’m fairly sure that is not possible considering it takes all my energy to just do what I can to get to this job I am lousy at everyday and then make it home between driving around the entire county for 13 different medical appoints per month..

+You have to break the cycle of that

- I think I need to break my skull.

+ That won’t work.

- When did I become such a whiny needy wench? I strongly need to be independent and move on with things. It's not like anyone is going to help. I sure do not know what to do. No one needs me, so why should I even want to need anyone else? I need to move away and get a new career and life. This whole blog is pathetic.

+Perhaps you are not ready.

- Perhaps you are full of crap. My knees, joints, hip bones swell and I can’t catch my breath. What’s it all worth anyway? NOTHING.

How Do We Choose Our Battles?

"What you are about to see in there is not easy. It will take your courage." -- Felix Mutagoma, the Mayor of Gikongoro, a small town three hours southwest of Kigali, Rwanda

Hoping to see a simple action-adventure flick, I purchased tickets to Blood Diamond this past weekend and was caught off-guard when I found myself doing the whole "Hotel-Rwanda-experience" again -- tears and all. These types of atrocities are always difficult to watch. Personally knowing African refugees makes it that much harder.

I have nothing profound to say and no clever comments to make that haven't already been said by someone. I'll just type a couple of quotes that stand out in my mind from the movie:

• African citizen to another: "I can't imagine what will happen to us if they ever discover oil here."
• African citizen to American Journalist: "If you write about this, will the Americans help?" Journalist: "No..."

Go to http://blooddiamondmovie.warnerbros.com/ and click the "Global Conflict" link for a time line of events.

A Rwanda Photo Essay

False Imprisonment

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: 18.25 Milligrams and Holding...Complications Arise....

Messenger: Eliminate all red meat, dairy, fried foods, egg yolks, coffee, soda pop, and alcohol from your diet. Never eat high fat foods, even in small portions, on an empty stomach or without soluble fiber. Better still, don't eat them at all. Avoid garlic, onions, leeks, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, asparagus, and Brussels sprouts, citrus fruits, vinegars, cooked tomatoes, juices with fructose.

For the next couple of weeks eat only rice cereals, pasta, fresh white bread, soy, cornmeal, potatoes (NO BUTTER), bananas, applesauce.

me: Edible food in house = one baking potato and some pasta.

Shopping Attempt #1 - Location = organic foods market:

1. Enter store with list
2. See no familiar brands
3. Lost bewilderment ensues
   
4. Overwhelmed by strange foods
5. Spy 50+ cheeses and panic! Can't have cheese!
   
6. Burst into tears and exit.
   

Shopping Attempt #2 - Location = regular market:

1. Enter store with list
2. See many familiar and desireable brands. No, can't have any of those....
3. Lost bewilderment ensues
4. Overwhelmed by other shoppers sampling the nicities and buying up Christmas meats and baking goods.
5. Spy row of cheeses and butters and panic! Spy Coke Classic and panic! Spy pastries and double panic!
6. Grab Cream of Rice, other junk, and leave tearfully. Forgot Peppermint tea for the tummy.
7. Arrive home hysterically crying, throw away/replace allot of real food, then crawl into bed hoping Angry Anniearexia will not be triggered into visiting soon.
   

Spouse: What is fibromyalgia and IBS?

me: those are some new prison cells sent down by God because I do not have enough of them already. All a part of the war effort I suppose.

Hope #7

"Sometimes...for some people...things don't work out as they might have HOPED. .......HOPE...is a currency for people who know they're losing...the more familiar you are with hope the less beautiful it becomes. ....you'll never wake up a new person but someday you might wake up and see things, hear things, and think things differently."*

Yes, I know I've already used this quote in the post "Hope #1". It comforts me at this time.

There have been numerous times when I have come across day-to-day life situations (aka, people) in which I have experienced significant emotional turmoil. First, I always ask myself two things:

1. What can I do to change this situation?
2. What can I do to change the way I react to this situation?
   

If I cannot succeed in the above two questions, then I have to ask myself if I need to remove myself from the situation. Because removing myself from such situation usually causes unpleasant chaos and tumult, I never want to follow-through. However, the inevitable occurs when I become so dysfunctional and distraught that I must follow-through and endure the agony of it regardless.

I have ended many situations in my life, some which could have killed me and others not near so extreme. Sometimes, just removing myself from the situation for a while makes all the difference. Sometimes it is ok to go back to those situations - with a new outlook. Most of the time, it is better to move on (for me anyway).

On a few occasions, an amount of time would go by and I ended up with regrets -- wondering if a made a mistake. Then, some time later, I realized either "That was a good thing to end" or "THANK GOD THAT IS OVER."

As I look around my life now with the need to make some lifestyle changes, I am afraid and can't imagine that any changes I make will be of any good. It seems that everything in my life is just too daunting and impossible to change.

Surprising though, is the answer I get when I was myself if I, at this moment, regret any of those painful foreclosures I have initiated in the past? The answer is a surprising "no." I am unpredictably fine and the better for it (which of course also scares me.)

*Sixteen Years of Alcohol, 2003.

Conversations With Ignorance #1.03

ignorance: Do I have to get a license to drive a scooter?
me: It depends on how fast the scooter goes...
ignorance: I want just a normal small one so that I can drive it to the bar and home and not have to worry about the whole drinking and driving issue.
me: You think that you can operate a scooter while drunk?
ignorance: I think it would be easier than a car.
me: You came in yesterday and were unable to recognize that your clothes were inside-out because of your drinking the night before, right?
ignorance: No, I frequently do not notice that kind of thing regardless of drinking.
me: :::recalls ignorance accidentally wearing first grade son's pants:::
me: Ok, you're right.
ignorance: The whole thing is perfect because I will get no more DUI's.
me: If you operate ANY motorized vehicle while under the influence you can get a DUI.
third-party-listener: Hey, remember that man who got arrested for driving a lawn mower drunk?!!!
ignorance: Damn!
ignorance: :::walks away moping::: :::gibberish:::

Broken Poetic #1

cold winter day on a parking lot
christmas shoppers bustle about
broken down again, the tears fall
she screams and hopes to die
no one hears or looks into her eyes

another table for one won't do today

The Fear Of God Lies In A Toothless Cat

“All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone.”
--Jean de la Bruyere (French satiric moralist, 1645-1696)

I was a little late this year getting my two guy cats to the vet so I ended up doing the loud "crash-chase-around-the-house-and-capture" routine yesterday. They are both getting old so I suspected that the vet would recommend a teeth-cleaning (which requires anesthesia) for both of them and indeed she did. What I didn't expect to hear was that my favorite cat, Baby, has a severe tooth infection and will need to have the tooth pulled or the infection could go to his heart and he will die. It was at that point that the Fear began to hit me.

Yes, I do recall the series of Betta fish posts I did recently, how afraid and upset I was, and how I survived Lazzy's death but this is beyond that. I got Baby too-soon after he was born and he could fit in my hand. Since the first night I got him, he has preferred to sleep on my head at night. At first it was annoying but I became used to it and preferred it. Now that he is 16-lbs, sleeping on my head is a little annoying again and I have breathing and allergy problems but I still prefer it.

When Baby first came to live with us I wasn't too happy about it. He is a black cat and I wanted an orange one. I was home all day in those days, he was constantly at my side doing something, and I did not care for the invasion. Now, he continues to stay within a few feet of me when I am home but now I go looking for him if he is having an independent moment and I do not like him not being nearby.

He is more loving and affectionate than any other cat, or person, I've known. He likes to lick me (yuck), cuddle, "spoon" in bed, stare into my eyes, listen to me, and tell me how he feels (which he does ALLOT of.) I don't think he is 100% cat but is also part dog and part human. He is able to fetch and bark. Hmmm...now that I think about it, he also sounds like a raccoon and pig at times...so add those animals to his breeding. He frequently sits human-style and other such things.

Yes, he is my best friend and I have never been closer to another living being than I am with him. (In fact, now that he has heard me typing, he needs to lie on the keyboard.)

Being close to others has been an issue with me lately. It has become more clear to me that all my current relationships are what I call "arms-length" relationships because that is the distance I am kept from others. How much of this has to do with me versus them remains to be determined but in any event, it has become quite painful.

I do pretty much everything alone and spend most of my time alone at work and home. Except for drinking and happy hours (which do not count as real human contact), no one asks me to spend time with them and no one accepts my few requests either. No, I do not have any family. I'm not emotionally intimate with my spouse and he cannot list one reason as to why he loves or stays with me so the cat is pretty much all I have (next to myself, of course.)

Being so alone and experiencing the "ultimate-aloneness" that everyone runs from is definitely my equivalent to the "Fear of God" phenomenon. The knowledge that I have to drop Baby off at a vet's office, leave him screaming (yes, he does scream), crying, hissing, and ALONE in a place where something painful and dangerous will happen causes my stomach to hurt more than the colonoscopy and sickness I experienced lately ever could.