Liberation From Our Chains ... True ... but how?

"Our deepest fear is NOT that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, NOT our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'; Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, IT IS WITHIN EVERYONE! As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(from Nelson Mandela's 1994 Inaugural Address)

NOTE: I actually got this quote from www.tammyfaye.com. I did not agree with most things she said or believed but she was genuine and kind to others.

Turtle Reflections Are Fake?

“When all alone, a turtle will gracefully swim in the ocean, when all alone, a person will gracefully swim alone. The quiet feeling you get from a turtle reflects how a person can feel alone, until someone reaches out a hand.” *

do until (a == giveUp)

{

Go to the pool and pick out a chair to lie on.

A couple of hours all the other chairs around me are gone and I am the only one in that area.

People gather -- just not with me.

It’s my fault.

I send out a message and I can't seem to make it stop

}

loop

*Dan Sullivan

l

Biological Properties

The Role Of Social Services in Child Abuse

FACT 1. Child is incested by parent.

FACT 2. Child is removed from parent and put with biological grandparents or kin who abused the child's parent.

FACT 3. Biology dictates property of children.

FACT 4. Foster homes are an option but there is a high rate of abuse there too.

CONCLUSION: It must be better for a child to be raped by a biological family member other than the parent.

Leave 'Em In The Dust

I was cruising to the pool on my Ninja late Sunday afternoon. Warm but no humidity and the wind was light and fresh. There was not much traffic as I pulled up to a stop at the red light and then went about my way once the light changed green.

It was soon after that a beat-up Chevy Cavalier rolled up aside me and a female reached her hand out to give me the finger. "Hmmm..." I thought. "What did I do, did I cut this car off? ...there was no one around and I was quite alert....damn that makes me ... ANGRY."

Kicking my machinery into higher gears, I pulled back the throttle and ruthlessly raced up alongside the Chevy. We rode side by side as I kept a hard glare on the woman. It wasn't long before the Chevy started to slow down and pull behind me in avoidance but then we both hit a red light.

Unavoidable, the Chevy pulled up next to me and the man in the driver's side waved at me. I continued my glare. I was ruthless. I know what this woman was probably thinking that I was some spoiled punk on a fancy bike getting in her way and my bitterness rose to the back of my eyes. Via my eyes, these are the thoughts I pierced her with:

"Do you think that your finger means anything to me? Do you know what my life and trials have been? Do you think that I am any different than you. No, to all the above. Look me in the eyes! SEE MY EYES! SEE ME! SEE WHO I AM! I AM LOOKING AT YOU! The bike's not paid for and I work my ass off at work and at life. I don't settle."

When the light turned I rolled in the throttle and left the Chevy in my dust. Sometimes you have to do that.

The Irony of Zen and Pity

Creative Labs Zen VisionM

It doesn't help to wallow in self-pity but ... I'm trying. Yeah, it's pathetic. It's a pattern. It's me.

Today I got a $4 protective case in the mail for the "new" used MP3 player I bought myself. I was excited. My old one is passing on with a big tendency toward retirement and I do love listening to whatever music I like when I want ... but on my drive home tonight I realized the irony of it all.

Here's the story: Last Christmas I bought the same MP3 player brand new for my husband along with a $40 protective case and it lies in the back of his closet unopened. I've often thought to myself - "did I buy him a present that I wanted?" - because I try HARD NOT to do that. I hate when people do that. But ... why else would he NOT open it except that he didn't want it but I did. I don't know...

When we first met, we loved the same music and loved going to all-day music festivals. I loved lying in that lousy sunny lawn just trying to keep enough fluids in so we wouldn't pass out. We had even less money then and drinks at the amphitheater were quite costly. Anyway, I had hoped it would renew his love for music ... I hope that was why I bought it ... for him, not ME ... yeah, I guess I hoped we'd both have something in common together again.

... however, it's another night in this apartment with another bottle of amber Dos Equis trying not to tear out my jugular. I could go home, it's simple enough to just pick up and move my junk ... what has changed though? Answer: big fat nothing. What about the plans and hopes I'd had for myself and worked diligently toward? Answer: big fat nothing. I was very elated and relieved to have received my MCAD certification earlier this morning but what has it done for my life? Answer: big fat nothing

Clawing

no words

stuck inside myself

i hear the scratching noises

from my own clawed nails

i thought if i could reach myself

then i could reach you

i was wrong

you have to reach yourself

a waste to have tried

to save myself?

Being Interesting == Being Interested

Within the past week I have realized that I am somehow chasing my separated-husband as I did my own mother.

It is a frequent practice within the mental health community to examine the relationship between mother and child.

I do not subscribe to the belief that mothers are to blame for all of their children's problems. Mothers are no doubt a substantial influence - for better or worse or both - but in the end we all must settle our on fate.

Nevertheless, the effects of the mother-child relationship are significant.
I won't go into the horrors of my mother and they do not hold a candle to the kindness of my husband. YET, I find myself chasing my husband as if it were my mother all over again:

"Please pay attention to me!""Please can I matter allot?!""Please be interested in SOMETHING that I am doing. I think I am interesting, why can't you? After all, I have a broad range of interests!"

Damn, why can't I tell the difference anymore? How am I supposed to tell the difference as to whether or not I am serving some sick need or if I am really wanted? How can I even think that I am wanted if nothing about me interests them?

Anyway, is being wanted enough? I guess it depends, again, on what you are wanted for.

Silence Echoes Loudly

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”*

Allot of people do not talk to each other because they are afraid of some sort of conflict or risk; however, oftentimes, the risk is greater when there is no verbal communication. If you are afraid of speaking to someone because you want to avoid an argument then you are actually putting your relationship at greater risk.

Do not think that if you do not share your thoughts and feelings with the other person, then no communication has occurred and you are safe. A much stronger form of communication - in the form of ASSUMPTIONS - results and this is much more poisonous than the potential arguing and discussing of your position.

The best way to kill a relationship is to not have one at all.

*George Bernard Shaw quotes (Irish literary Critic, Playwright and Essayist. 1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, 1856-1950)

Mexico Diaries (Day 8)

5:30 AM: (alarm goes off - hit snooze)

5:40 AM: (alarm goes off - hit snooze)

5:50 AM: (alarm goes off - mumble profanities and sit up in bed)

5:55 AM: (gather belongings and mumble profanities)

6:30 AM: (checkout)

7:05 AM: (shuttle to airport is late)

8:30 AM: (arrive at airport)

9:15 AM: (load airplane)

9:55 AM: (plane leaves for the US)

10:15 AM: (begin to snooze)

10: 25 AM: (violent kicking on back of seat and violent looks given to child behind)

10:30 AM: (begin to snooze)

10:45 AM: (violent kicking on back of seat and violent looks given to child behind - fellow passenger complains)

12:30 PM: (arrive at destination airport 40 minutes early)

12:45 PM: (interrogated by customs police for travelling alone and sniffed by dogs)

1:00 PM: (ride has not arrived - dragged 100-lb broken suitcase across terminal to train - phone ride to tell him to meet at other end of train stop)

1:05 PM: (discovered that the ticket machine is accepting change only - reach into pocket only to find pesos - phone ride again and agree to meet at terminal #2)

1:15 PM: (drag 100-lb broken suitcase to terminal #2. Legs cramp, collapse, and suitcase drops. No breath, arms shaking from strain, tearful)

1:20 PM: (police threaten me to either move it to terminal #14 or they will arrest me for suspicious behavior - police is informed that there is no way in hell i can move that damn suitcase to terminal #14 and they can keep the damn thing if they want)

1:22 PM (police assist luggage and myself to an elevator and escort us down only to point to terminal #14 way down the road - try to phone ride hysterically with no success due to lack of connection)

1:30 PM (arrive at terminal #14 and begin to violently kick the 100-lb broken suitcase then sit down and phone ride again - tears persist as onlookers are amused and police gather nearby)

1:45PM (ride arrives and carries suitcase - myself to winded to speak or make sense - legs still cramped - police disband as I leave with ride)

2:15PM (arrive at home disoriented)

Days later: (slowly regaining some orientation to environment - legs are only vaguely sore now)

Mexico Diaries (Day 7)

“`Wouldst thou' - so the helmsman answered. - / `Learn the secret of the sea? / Only those who brave its dangers / Comprehend its mystery!'” *

The salty breeze whips my sun-dried hair into my eyes as I gaze into the Caribbean looking for answers. Confused, I do not understand why I cannot discern the wisdom that is in the sea. It must be too great for my comprehension. I've come to no conclusions regarding what to do with my life. Besides getting rest, I had hoped that I would be able to go home with some sort of solution to make me better. I have none.

I KNOW that I must take care of my physical health as well as my emotional health. Stumbling through life with a run-down dizzy body is not living.

I KNOW that I must find something more meaningful to do with my career. I can't just sit at a nice air-conditioned desk making some John Doe a heap of cash. Whether my reasoning is selfish or not, I crave more fulfillment and I'm no longer sure if one's intentions matter or not. The bottom line is not just the purity of my soul but whether or not I've done good deeds, bad deeds, or neither.

I DO NOT KNOW what to do with my failing marriage or the rage that boils my blood into black madness.

So it is with a paltry of answers and a mass of unanswered questions that I turn back to the sickening commercialized-resort to pack my bags for the trip home.

* Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Mexico Diaries (Day 4 to 6)

Somewhere, I developed an interest in conquering the waves. The tide has been high and I have taken to body-surfing. Every time i visit the sea i am more amazed than the last. The waves are very mathematical .. like life ... and I wonder if they contributed to the mathematical genius of the ancient Mayan culture.

It is easy to understand how the sea must have given insight to centuries of peoples -- especially those of centuries to go with nothing else to look to but their environment.

With riding the waves, I learned that I have no successful choice except to go with the flow of the surge. If a huge wave is coming then I have to swim towards it and get on top of it at just the right moment to ride it or it will take me under. It is easy to tell when a big one is on it's way via beachcombers up beach screaming.

Today a large guy was running away from a wave and that did not work, of course. The swells are fast and strong. I've seen many people run only to get knocked over. When the waves are really tall, like over half as tall as I, then I like to look back at the white-cap when it passes me by so that i can watch it crash and laugh at my delusion that I actually "conquered" the wave. Sometimes I see people get totally wiped out by it.

So, ocean life is like human life:

• Standing hesitantly near the edge is worse than going in because the crash is so much harder there and it takes longer to recover. You may as well jump in.
• You have to take what hits you get and make them work for you -- not let them work against you.
• Running away does not work. Face up to curl.

Mexico Diaries (Day 1 to 3)

LESSONS I SHOULD HAVE ALREADY LEARNED DURING MY LAST TRIP TO MEXICO:

1. Do not drink the water. Really, do not even consume ice cubes.

2. Beware of the waves where water meets sand.
2a. Beware of sand getting in your swimsuit when said waves knock you over.
2b. Beware of said sand getting in your bed.

3. Bring antacids. Always -- no matter how well you feel before your trip.

4. Be aware that fluid is constantly being sucked out of your body. Your body is practically a sponge and you need to replace your lost fluids or you will faint. You are closer to the equator, duh!

5. Wear SPF70 - at least. Be sure to apply evenly and apply everywhere - otherwise, you will end up looking either like a leopard or a lobster or both.

6. Do NOT be taken in by salesmen in fake uniforms when exiting the airplane. Go directly to your travel representative or cab -- PASS GO AND DO NOT STOP. Do NOT give them money.

7. Take hat with sunglasses. Wear.

8. Let your camera lens adjust to the change in temperature and wipe any fog off lens. It's the damn humidity and makes a difference.