Post-PharmaceuticaloShock-Trauma-Syndrome

sunday school teacher
community girl scout leader
she kept me locked away
beaten, used, and bruised

respected dutiful police officer
honorable city alderman
he kept me numb and bound
no noise hit the ground

i was crazy
they were not
drugged and locked away
is what they sought and bought

now i'm here and they are old
i am evil is what they told
broken body, broken mind
soul is dead, everyone is blind

BEFORE THE LOBOTOMY (LIVE)

Divorce Takes Health Toll

The Person In Back

" ... every so often, I have lifted my head from a page and have seen a familiar face at the back of a crowd. I know who she is yet I am always surprised to see her. Often, she has opened her mouth to speak but for decades she was too far away to be heard, and besides, as soon as I became aware of her presence, I would avert my gaze and pretend I hadn't seen her.

The day came when I finished the final draft of my final book. I knew what was coming. The pen slipped from my hand and I closed my eyes. 'So’, I heard her say, or perhaps it was me, 'its just the two of us now.' I argued with her for a bit. 'It will never work, it was too long ago, I was only a child, I've forgotten.’

‘But I haven’t forgotten,’ she says. ‘Remember when … ‘

‘ ... Even I know the inevitable when I see it. I do remember’ " *

Setterfield, Diane. The Thirteenth Tale. New York: Washington Square Press, 2006.

Do you know what is worth fighting for when it's not worth dying for?

Well -- How do you know what's worth dying for?
...or is there even a difference?

Sweatshops And Health Insurance

In the past few months, I've had one sick day. Since that day, I have received an e-mail or phone call from my firm discouraging this behavior.

Since then, I've made a point of scheduling any medical appointments at early morning or lunch times so that work will not be missed.

This morning, I went to the doctor and was told that I have a mass in my chest. This is most likely a cyst since those run in my biological family but given the recent pulmonary and cardiovascular problems I've had, though not in high distress, I have been concerned.

However, this afternoon I get ANOTHER e-mail from my employer reading to have no sick days "unless I am on death's door." I find out that something is growing in my chest and then I have to come in to this behavior. I have tests scheduled early on two different days later this week. I do not know what I am to do.

It is obvious that I have to go have these tests but I am so very incredibly offended at the inappropriate remarks and harassing behavior that I have to put up with.

This is the SECOND company I have been with that has asked their employees to NOT take sick days and/or NOT go to see a doctor. If they are not going to let employees use the benefits, then they should not offer them and ship the damn jobs overseas to begin with.

Last week, I found out that my previous employer is having all employees pay out-of-pocket for their health insurance on unpaid days that they miss. Given certain circumstance, I might almost understand this but let me give you a typical scenario. This company requires that their staff work 60 - 80 salaried hours a week, requests that they do not go to the doctor, and gives their employees a high-deductible-health-plan.

For example, my friend who works there has a $6,000 deductible and has already spent a couple of weeks in a cardiovascular hospital this year. This same person will need to take maternity leave soon, which means, that ALL medical expenses will have to be personally covered. These technology companies are running sweat-shops by creating hazardous working environments in addition to making constant threats that if ridiculous conditions are not met then jobs will be sent overseas.

I'm completely appalled. It is not as if I can go to my employer and say "... remember that condition about being 'at death's door'? ... well, that might be where I'm at." If I were to say that then I guarantee you they will find some way to get me unemployed. Heartless.

I may as well be living in a Dicken's novel instead of modern America.

Blogger Complaint

I'm tired of having to manually edit my HTML in order to get proper line-breaks or italics or bold or centered or whatever.

Escape From Darkness

"The escape from darkness involves two stages: First, the recognition that darkness cannot hide. This step usually entails fear. Second, the recognition that there is nothing you want to hide even if you could. This step brings escape from fear. When you have become willing to hide nothing, you will not only be willing to enter into communion but will also understand peace and joy."*

Sometimes I think that this is a lesson. Recent divorce, newly-discovered infidelity, loss of job, loss of home and pets, more loss of health -- these things must be a lesson, or perhaps, a goal -- that no matter what happens to me or where I go -- that I will always be there. The chief principle in A Course In Miracles is this:

"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace."

This is what I must strive for. I am convinced that there is only one freedom in the universe and this might be it. Perhaps it is only by reaching this state of being that nothing and no one can touch me. I could be chained in the bottom of a basement but be unreachable.

*A Course in Miracles, Chapter 1:4

Nothing Built To Last

Mostly, I've been numb all week trying to process the betrayal of him seeing someone before the divorce was even final and then being in shock from finding another girl's belongings on, what was, my side of the bathroom.

I thought acceptance was setting in until I heard his non-caring voice on the phone yesterday. The day before, I had managed to bicycle around a parking lot and then sing in the shower.

It appears my actions are too much. My doctor phoned saying that the area around my sternum is swollen, that I am exercising too much, that I need to be sedentary, and to take drugs for a couple of weeks because this is dangerous to my heart conditions. Great, add pulmonary wreck to my list.

Exercising too much? I've ridden my bicycle three times: around the block and in a nearby church parking lot. How can that be too much? I sit at a computer all week. My heart is broken for reasons beyond exercise but I did not try to explain this.


What will happen next I cannot imagine and do not want to know. I am very tired of hearing myself complain.

Advice To Take

I dreamed.

I waited.

You went away.

You found someone else.

I try to bury my dreams underground.

".... He is making you pay and if he cared enough he would feel like you and not be able to go "out" with anyone else. You did not divorce him because you didn't care, it was because of other things and those have not changed. He wants to leave you hanging. It is different for men because they cannot live without women, not he wants you in his life in case he is alone someday. You do things your way and let him do things his and move on from there, hard as it may be. You only get one shot at this life, don't let your feelings for him rule!!!! You will find out one day and ask yourself- "why did I ever care so much for him?" trust me."

Green Day - "21 Guns" - HD

Untitled

Yesterday, instead of celebrating Independence Day, I celebrated the fact that the week was over. A cat with cancer needing surgery then hospitalization all week, learning of a new health problem of my own, and my new company being bought out (yes, the job I had left my crazy but permanent position for) and my job status questionable was more than bad.


Today, I'd rather go back to last week. He should have warned me instead of allowing me to stumble across it. The sick cat I mentioned was one who stayed with the ex-husband who is out of town all week so that I am going to that house three times a day to care for the sick cat. I needed a tissue. There was Mary Kay all through the bathroom. It was odd ... but he has sisters and a mother ... but then I went to pat the cat lying on the bed and it was then that I saw her photo.