I Fray

Belongings are getting out of control again. They are beginning to take over my environment. My mind is frayed so that I can’t seem to focus on these things for very long. I start but do not finish. I end up doing something else and I do not know how it happened or what I am doing. I am only one person. There may be different parts of my mind but there is only one body here and it can only do so many things at once. I already have enough things to try and keep order of so how can I possibly order my environment? Am I dying or am I not dying and how may times does a person have to arrive at this point in a lifetime?

I’ve started to throw things away again. If I don’t know what to do with some clothes or books then out they go to the trash. Goodwill or used book store? No – there is no time for that. These things have to go NOW because I can’t control them. So the cleansing begins. Trash.

Bills pile, financial matters waiting to be attended to. The hospital is threatening to send me to debt collection again. I fray.

I do not know what to do. There are so many things that I should be concerned about but I am not. Bills, finding a job, managing my dwindling money – these things I just let slide away. I try to feed myself, I try to rest myself, I try to bathe myself, I try to monitor my blood pressure, I try not to cough, I try to care for the cats, I try to make it to work and back each day as I wait.