Thoughts From A Walk

In midst of a depression, I somehow managed to force myself to do some local errands on foot today. There is something about walking that, sometimes, seems to cause my brain cells to open up and cause me to think about the here and now. What is it that I REALLY want?

I've always tended to live for the future. The present was too terrifying so I planned goals to reach my hopes and dreams. Looking at my life now, however, I just see the broken hopes and the lost dreams.

I have to stop drowning in my loss because it is getting me nowhere but I do not know how. Quite honestly, I do not even know if I WANT to stop drowning because then the hopes and dreams would be really gone, right? ...I don't know.

So what do I WANT now? It will take a while to think about but here is what I've come up with thus far:

1. Companionship
2. Friends of a like-nature
3. Fun
4. Success at my job

Number one, companionship, is at the forefront of my mind at this time. I recently read that when your significant other just holds your hand chemicals are released into your brain that are better than anti-depressants. Just imagine if everyone had someone to hold hands with. Would we still need antidepressants?

Often when I walk around this neighborhood I always think "geez, I wish I could show that house to someone and talk about why I like it ... or why does that lady down the street have those statues in her windows (it confuses me because I think someone is watching me) ... or "... I have allot of thoughts I want to share.

Unfortunately, it seems that most people have been too hurt and beaten down to respond or have thoughts of their own. ..well...at least I run into allot of people like that. I'm sad for them but, quite honestly, they bore me. How can I be attached to someone who has nothing meaningful to share?

Yes, it is possible that I ask too much...which is probably why I am alone.