I'll Say It Again

I'll say it again over and over to myself as long as it takes ... maybe you should too...

"Falling is easy

It's getting back up that becomes the problem

If you don't believe you can find a way out,

you become the problem."

"If you believe you can find a way out,

Then you've solved the problem."*

*"Falling." Staind, "Chapter V"

Lost in Gaps

Lost amidst Y-incisions and DNA studies, the only type of fiction found in my hands for the past few years has been forensic thrillers written by authors along the lines of Patricia Cornwell and Kathy Reichs. I grew up on classics like Les Miserables, Grapes of Wrath, Pride and Prejudice, etc. but ... I suppose went astray at some point.

Recently, a fellow blogger and pal at http://bluecountrymagic.blogspot.com/ recommended the Adriana Trigiani Big Stone Gap series. Immediately, I was taken in by the lead down-to-earth character Ave Maria, the soothing descriptions of Blue Ridge Mountain life, and finished all four books within a few months.

For my entire life, I have been searching for answers. Mostly, I just want to know how to get myself together. Yes, the answer is supposedly within myself (blah, blah, blah) but I do tend to prefer books, music, and movies. Not good places, I know, but I do tend to live an isolative life. Anyway, I learned most of my morals from Leave It To Beaver, Brady Bunch, and Silver Spoons and consider myself morally competent so it can't be that bad. I digress ...

In any event, I'm not sure what I was looking for in the character Ave Maria but tend to think that it had to do with her relationships. There was a point in her marriage when her marriage was suffering and she fell in love with someone else. I thought she was going to falter and have an affair but Trigiani, true to her strong characters, did not let that happen. Ave continued on. Though willing to give up her marriage if necessary, she and her husband worked on it and they turned out with a happy ending. He turned out to be more deep and thoughtful than I had thought.

In the last chapter of "Home To Big Stone Gap," he confides to Ave:

Jack (husband): "We shouldn't let a day go by when we don't stop and think about what we are to each other and how the best part of that is the part that changes. That's the mystery. And that's the part of people that's divine. Accepting the unknown and trusting it."

Ave: "How do you know this?"

Jack: "Because I almost lost everything and I thought about what I'd be if you didn't love me. I was angry at you for bringing sadness sometimes, and that's just human ... it didn't mean that I loved you less -- it meant that we had something to learn TOGETHER, and if we just hung on, we'd get through it. "

And they did -- they came through quite well. It is good for relationships to change and grow but how am I to tell whether or not they are changing and growing for the better? Would I feel content instead of tangled? Would I feel connected instead of disconnected? I have no answers at this time. I can only assume I will know it if it happens.

He Loves Me ... He Loves Me Not ...

It's been a rough week and I had been looking forward to the three-day weekend to get stuff done and to relax a little. I've had a seriously ill cat, a flat tire, blown fuses leaving me with no power, work problems, and today the ceiling fan blew off the ceiling and went whirling with glass shattering everywhere.

My spouse has been out of town for the past few days with his job. I asked him over to the apartment to make dinner for him but he decided to stay home and order a pizza instead. We've been living apart since February and it has been hard. I want to reach out but it is difficult because there doesn't often seem to be anyone to reach out to ... especially when I do knock but no one really answers.

I keep thinking it's a "female-thing" -- me wanting someone chivalrous who is willing to fight for me and enjoys being with me instead of just having a "warm" body around but ... I think that is probably common to both sexes. I think we all desire to be desired just for who we are and nothing more.

Feeling quite hopeless now, I wonder how many petals I have left on my flower? He loves me ... he loves me not ...

Scissors and Running Go Foot In Hand

An unforeseen routine has crept into my life since moving into the apartment:

• wake up, get out of bed, and clean cat vomit.
• go to work late and do half-ass job.
• leave work early for whatever reason.
• come home and clean more cat vomit.
• finish half-assed work.
• bathe, medicate, return to bed

I can't say life has been better than this. I grew up in poverty and neglect but didn't think much of it. After all, everyone else was living in poverty and such. I believe it was in the music "Fiddler on the Roof" that it was said that it is "no crime to be poor." The problem is that I can't make it stop. The poverty I don't pay much attention to ... I've done alright by myself thus far and am no longer in the poverty bracket. But neglect ... neglect should be a crime.

Test results from my blood came back today and I have no major disease; however, I do seem to be very dehydrated and malnourished. I'm not sure why this surprised me. About a week ago, I kept a journal of my inputs and outputs and such and was surprised at how little I have been eating. The problem is, as mentioned, that I can't seem to make it stop. I am eating and living no differently than any other time in my life, except perhaps even better.

I've been educated and taught nutrition and self-care yet I am still clueless. The past four meals I've cooked have burned so I did not eat them. It is suddenly clear to me why I have always eaten out so much in my adult life.

After burning my dinner again tonight, I watched the very very crazy movie, Running With Scissors. Shamefully, I found it semi-funny but it also left me afraid. At the rate I'm going I may end up with a tube down my nose but I am not afraid to die. Most people are afraid to die. More are afraid to die alone. I've not had this fear. I fear living. I suspect more people fear living than would admit. I fear even more living the rest of my life the way I have always lived it and despite what efforts I make to change the way I live -- nothing changes.

So my legs decided to they wanted to run. Despite my low glucose, potassium, albumin, and whatever else, I went outside and I let them run run run until they were too tired to run any longer. I am not athletic but I am a runner. I just can't seem to stop. ...I suppose I have scissors too.

Relief vs Terror - or - Heartbroken vs Suffocation

Recent pre-wedding scene of Grey's Anatomy - a series that follows the lives of young surgical interns in a Seattle hospital.

This season's finale of Grey's Anatomy, left us with the marriage ceremony of a handsome surgeon (Burke) and a brilliant young intern (Cristina). Burke had already established himself as an excellent surgeon while Cristina remained eager, excited, and compulsive in her drive to become the best surgeon possible. She had always been displayed as stone-cold and career-driven until she met Burke.

It was at this time that she slowly started changing aspects of herself to fit his lifestyle up until the wedding ceremony where she had been encapsulated in an uncharacteristic wedding dress, pencilled eyebrows, and Burke's family heirloom symbolic choker around her neck. She had a panic attack which delayed the wedding but when she finally decided to choose Burke over her career, he walked into the room and told her that he can't marry her. He realized that the Cristina before him was not his Cristina and the only way to save her from completely losing herself was to set her free.

After leaving the room, Cristina turns to her maid-of-honor, states “He’s gone... I’m free... Damn it...” and collapses into a mass hysteria of her conflicting emotions all the while ripping off the family choker.

What did it take for Burke to decide what to do?

Falling Is The Easier Part

"You in your shell are you waiting for someone to rescue you from yourself.

Don't be disappointed when no one comes. ...falling is easy it's getting back up that becomes the problem ... If you don't believe you can find a way out then you become the problem"*

Have you ever noticed that the bands that really survive are the bands whose individual members grow and evolve? The bottom line is that we grow to a better place or we stay where we are.

For example, Korn was a great band. They were raw and honest and their pain was real; thus, their reign was long. However, they are still stuck there in the smelly shit-infested waters they began in and their fan-base has shrank. On the other extreme, there is Green Day who started in their tortured teen-age angst but have become even more talented and engaging as they have faced many of their demons and as they pass their courage to others, their fan-base grows.

Another band I've watched grow from misery and suffering to semi - peace is Staind.

On their website, http://www.staind.com, lead singer Aaron Lewis speaks of the bands growth referencing their latest album 'Chapter V':

'My life, up to a point was shit,' begins the frontman. 'But I've come a long way. I grew up in a trailer park in Vermont. That was the shit I got out of me in TORMENTED and DYSFUNCTION, and tailing into BREAK THE CYCLE. But the title, BREAK THE CYCLE, says it all.' In some ways, the song 'Falling' sums up Lewis' and the band's development and current state of mind, as he sings, 'the falling is easy, it's getting back up that becomes the problem.' Lewis concludes: 'I can't keep talking about how easy it is to fall. Life is about getting back up and brushing yourself off after the fall.'

----------

"You wouldn't listen even if I told you. Who the fuck am I to say?

You're TOO BUSY with the LIES they sold you -- Another cure to fix your day.

OPEN WIDE for all the shit they feed you while the TV DEFECATES on you
and blindly walk wherever they will lead you while your edges SLOWLY FRAY.

I've given all I can and are you pacified or do you want more
from me?

If someone else showed you the way would you take the wheel and steer?
If they jumped off a bridge would you meeting them on the ground and
claim that it never made a sound? Everyone plays the hand they're
dealt and learns to walk through life themselves...(for better or worse)..."*

*Tormented, 1996

*Dysfunction, 1999

*Break The Cycle, 2001

*14 Shades of Gray, 2003

*Chapter V, 2005

Odd Random Thoughts: Hug-Ability

Venus de Milo

I think many of us are like Venus de Milo. We want to give and receive hugs but we have no arms.

Unspoken Decisions Are Loud : Addendum

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If someone tells you that you are hurting them and that certain behaviors are hurtful and not acceptable then you should listen and act accordingly if you do not want to deal with the consequences. Otherwise, you have no right to complain.

It is certainly reason for the girl to be majorly p*ssed off when she had given good logical warning only to be treated as a silly spoiled girl. She was willling to work through the muck but they chose NOT to. Then, when she followed through with what she had clearly stated she would do then the other party acts as if THEY were the injured ones here -- that THEY were the ones being treated unfairly!

I will try to give good wishes to you: May some higher power grant you people insight into reality. In leau of, "get a grip you filthy animals."

Unspoken Decisions Are Loud

Being a minor, the hospital staff had called the girl's parents in for a meeting. If she would not bring herself to eat soon then they would place a tube down her nose for nutritional purposes.

Though they they looked haggard and sad from the long drive, there was an abruptness in their attitudes when they entered the therapy room and the dying girl shifted fearfully in her seat.

Putting the fear aside, the girl asked them to get help for their behaviors. As diplomatically as she could, the girl attempted to explain to them how their behaviors had hurt her and how she could not continue as things had been.

The girl apologized for being weak and asked them if they would go to therapy and help her. If they would not help, then she also informed them that the relationship would eventually deteriorate and end. The parents did not listen to her, more less believe her.

The mother cried out in tears, "Why do I feel as if I am being blamed?" The father sat quiet, still, eyes to the floor ... as always. The mother's tears continued to fall as she felt great pity for herself.

Interrupting, the therapist informed the mother, "Your daughter is dying and needs your help."

The crying martyr of all simply replied, "But why am I always being blamed? Why doesn't anyone care about me? I give and give and no one cares."

There was no need for a tube as the girl eventually began to eat. The decision was obvious and ties were eventually broken. Though physical ramifications remain, the girl continues on her way but the pivotal moment not forgotten ... only to be repeated in lesser form.

Pros And Cons of Cat As Significant Other

Sammy the Scoot

Pros:

1. Runs for door to greet me and give me some good lovin' each day when I come home

2. Soft, furry, and smells good

3. Likes fun and play

4. Appreciates serenity

5. Gives affectionate baths

6. Likes to "spoon" and cuddle

7. Uses the litter box and hides "indiscretions"
8. Easily amused
9. Entertaining
10. Purrs at my very presence

Cons:

1. Not allowed in public facilities, restaurants included -- nor has the desire

2. Not one for long walks in the park ... or most outdoor activities

3. Does not like rock concerts

4. No human communication

5. Causes loud crashes in the night

6. Hairballs
7. Moody as hell
8. Litter box
9. Lies on laptop keyboard
10. No income

Why I Need A Vacation

Tulum, Mexico

I swear to any higher power, that I HAVE to go. See the picture above? I've been there. I want to go back and never leave. I want to live there. If I had the cash, then I would live there. Unless I die, I will return there and I will return soon.

Looking back at the past couple of years alone makes me want to jump off a tall building. I've been sick with the serotonin syndrome, the effexor withdrawal, the fibro and associated symptoms, the insomnia, the torn patella and tendinitis, and the relentless unexplained infections that cause my white cell counts to soar and me to crash. I see an individual therapist, a couples therapist, a chiropractor, a massage therapist, and a score of medical doctors. I've left one job crammed with such political instability that two people had heart attacks only end up at another job where I have to work until my vision goes just to keep up. I'm living in a crummy apartment, my marriage has collapsed, and now I've accrued more debt than I have had in a long time.

I've seriously considered withdrawing all possible amounts from my credit cards, telling student loans to go to hell, packing a bag, and just disappearing. I am burned to a crisp and this is why I must take a vacation.

Odd Random Thoughts: Lesbians With Sperm

Tonight I was reading an article on the cons of genetic mutation, specifically the destructive effects on bees. Then I came to an article written by a lesbian (this was an alternative newsletter) who had published a listing off products with dangerous chemicals (for example, formaldehyde in yogurt, etc).

All of this led my thoughts to cloning and what is my opinion on this, etc. With pain, I recalled that someone mentioned to me that, at any time, I could be eating steak from a cloned animal and I would have no right to know this.

The result of this pondering left to to this notion: what if women could be cloned to produce sperm and men cloned to have uterus'? Would lesbians and gay men be able to impregnate each other?