I Don't Have A Title For This One Either

so after yesterday's fiasco with the psycho-psycho-therapist my psych doc came into the office today to check me out. he took my blood pressure and wondered if i even have one anymore. it appeared to be 100/100 ? oh, and where did my pulse go and how am i able to walk he ranted. i dunno but i'm damn tired and can't find my playstation controller so i am stuck with the psp until i can locate it.

I Don't Have a Title for This One

The beta-blockers have swarmed over my mood -- gnawing on it like nothing I've experienced in years by engulfing me with the most primitive crying spells and desperate urges to die despite the means available. I have moments of rationale that tell me that this will not last, will surely pass, and that once it is over I can resume my previous state of misery.

Surprisingly, I decided to seek counsel with someone outside my normal realm: a therapist in a more public sector -- one covered by insurance as opposed to my usual fare of the private practice (aka, she's out of town). I know when I'm headed to the bad place and that any attempt to end my breathing will result in only making matters worse.

I told myself that this would be a good thing. After all, I only need to vent and seek reassurance during this trying phase so surely someone even semi-trained could give at least this.

I was wrong.

Of course I had expected that she would need to take the usual history and that there would be some paperwork but so much had escaped my memory as to how these soul-suckers operate.

Being upfront, I informed her that I already have a therapist but that she and her backup are out of town so what I needed today was someone to listen as I vented. The crone never let me get any further.

Before I knew it, I was being asked about my sexual behaviors and my marital separation when, at some point, she decided that she would solve my medical dilemma herself. What she would do, she claimed, was get all three of my doctors together on the phone and we would immediately resolve this beta-blocker-depression problem (at 4pm on a Friday).

After all the paperwork, there was no stopping her and it was clear that she had a mission beyond my control. She managed to get my psychiatrist on the conference call but could reach none others and sent me out to phone my internist and my cardiologist to inform them of the plan. I went to a phone and pretended to dial as she yammered at the psych doc. She did not even noticed that I never actually spoke to anyone on the phone but it didn't matter because it wasn't very long that she decided that my hour was up and I would have to resolve this at my next appointments.

I did not reschedule; however I was reminded of how I ended up in so many inpatient facilities growing up by being sent to these truly incompetent broken people controlled by paperwork and legal liabilities instead of care for their patient.

During my drive home, I received a call from the psych doc pretty much asking me WTF?

I dunno ... it did distract me from my misery but now it is nighttime and I am stuck here again feeling myself sliding into the pit again. Honestly, I did not think I would be here again and have never fully believed in the power of chemicals over one's depressive state. I've always believed that the way to be rid of depression was to confront the source and deal with it but between the beta-blockers and listening to my drunken (I hope) upstairs neighbor bellowing out "Sweet Home Alabaaaaammmmmaaa.." (again) I really dunno.

status: released from heart hospital today with double the beta-blockers for "Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia" and an appointment with a hematologist for an unexplained high white cell count

fact: beta-blockers increase depression significantly with me already being in the shitter.

result: me wondering how to hold down a job while crying and trying not to purposely put myself into cardiac arrest

i've come so far but can't seem to tread fast enough to hide this i will lose my job if i crash

none

i guess you don't realize

how much you've lit up my life

and how hard it became

when i stopped lighting up yours

i guess you don't realize

that i've been waiting and hoping

that we would become worth the fight

to you

i guess it is time for me to realize

that you are not coming for me or yourself

and that a life with you means more of a life alone

that i've known too much of already

this is literally breaking my heart

to just not harm yours

but i don't think you realize that either

Yo' Duckets

So, here is what it has come down to: the "High Deductible Health Plan" with a Health Savings Account (HSA). If you are healthy and your employer puts money into your HSA then you might not ever have to pay much in health care. Employer will place money into your HSA account and you can use that if you go to the doctor and can also take it with you if you go to another company. However, if you or your family member is sick or has an accident then you may pay a deductible of $5,600 for yourself or up to $11,200 for your family.

It could encourage the unhealthy to get healthy but I don't have $5,600 available. I received my COBRA bill of $1500 in the mail today and I'm probably going to have to either pull from savings for that or put it on credit. I may have to keep the COBRA for a while until I get healthy or die.

I Was Drowning, Not Waving

After another series of critical Holter readings, I finally made my inevitable trip to the ER. As I laid alone in the little white room, I realized that I genuinely hoped that they would come back with some formidable news of my pending departure from this world so that I would never have to go back to life as I have known it. I had suspected this before about myself -- that perhaps I harbored a secret death wish -- but had assumed it was just part of my brooding melancholic personality.

But then the doctor came back and began to explain that all my organs are structurally fine and that no damage has been done so I bit back my tears in pretend relief.

Making the situation worse, he went on to tell me that the whole situation can be remedied with a simple beta-blocker. This made no sense to me as pills have not really helped me before. After all, there has to be a logical reason as to why my heart rate increases by 50 bpm by my just standing up. He claimed that the best thing for this situation is to just treat the symptoms. I didn't bother to explain to him that my heart was actually overcompensating for some other problem and that the real solution rests in discovering the problem and fixing it. I can only assume that if my heart is no longer able to compensate for the mysterious malady then something else is going to come to haunt me later and I will continue to suffer. However, it was clear that he was ready to dismiss me as a hysteric so he could go about his day.

I was reminded of the Merideth character in Grey's Anatomy. Meredith was doing rounds at the local hospital when the announcement came that a ferry had crashed and all medical personnel were needed. She rushed to the site and dove into the water to save a girl. In the process, she became entangled or something and began to drown. Despite the fact that she was an excellent swimmer, she did not even try to rescue herself but let the water engulf her lungs as she sank to the bottom. Of course, she is a main character in the show and someone drug her out ... but the point is that she didn't even struggle and that is how I felt lying in the ER bed. If there were an ocean that I could have jumped into at that moment then I would have let myself drown.

(One Motorcycle Without a Key) + (One Holter Monitor) = 0 Ride For a While

All week I've been looking forward to an annual motorcycle ride of over 100 riders. All the mods on my bike that I had planned were finished and I was ready to go. I knew I had to take it easy due to my current health issues but had carefully planned my diet and woke up this morning to eat plenty and hydrate myself enough. Even if I could ride only half the ride then I would be glad but then there was the walk from my apartment to my vehicle and that's when it all started going downhill.

I became short of breath with minor chest pain so I let the Holter do it's thing and when I got to where I keep my bike I phoned in the cardio results. I knew it wasn't good when they asked me to take more recordings but when the call was over I went about my business and pumped up my pre-ride jams. About five minutes later, I receive a phone call from a doctor informing me that a sinus tachycardia of 150-160 is not good and went on to interrogate me. My rate was down by then but I was told to lay down for the rest of the day and if I have any more such incidents then to go to the ER while he consults with my primary doc.

No way was this going to destroy my ride so I thought that AT LEAST I could ride the few miles to the rendezvous point and see everyone off and maybe meet them at the end later, right? Well, when I went to get gas, my motorcycle key broke in the tank. Yep, there I was with my sick holter monitor and a 400-pound locked Ninja with no key.

In the end, it took two flatbed trucks (don't ask) to haul that beast back to the house while the neighbors came out to watch and snicker at the tiny Ninja girl who can't get her shit right and should be on a tiny scooter instead.

And now I have no clue what is wrong with me and I have to make a plan as to how I am going to fake insurance again if I have to go to the ER (I'm still awaiting COBRA from my previous job because my employer is still struggling with the HMOs).

No Healing In Health Care: The Plight of Small Businesses

Many people have been appalled by my employer's request for staff not to seek medical care unless absolutely necessary. It really does sound horrible but having worked at a health insurance organization and having seen the things I've seen, it would be wrong of me to judge too harshly.

Yeah, you've heard it all by now -- employer health care costs have risen an average of 15% each year over five years to an average of about $700 per month per employee, according to surveys by The Kaiser Family Institute and The National Association of Health Underwriters. As a result, 47% of America's small businesses can provide no health coverage at all.

But how can Missouri even ALLOW insurance carriers to charge 207% ABOVE their retail rate? In and of itself, that seems just criminal. Given that over 99% of our economy is driven by small businesses, it is no wonder that our economy is suffering.

Are you aware that insurance companies can get insurance (referred to as reinsurance) of their own to cover financially-devastating claims? (A catastrophic claim might consist of someone being diagnosed with Hemophilia or having a child needing Human Growth Hormone shots.) As of 1999, United Health Care maintained a 50% Quota share with it's reinsurance company. I'm no accountant, but that seems like a nice-enough chunk of comfortable padding to NOT have to charge 207% above retail.

Another thing that blows me away is the whole concept of HIPPA protecting my privacy. If my health records are so protected and private then why I am I required to complete a disclosure form (see above) detailing my intimate personal health details when obtaining new insurance? If I were a radical then I would suspect that HIPPA was actually created so that insurance companies can get to my health records and either deny me care for pre-existing conditions or charge me an extra 207%.

So ... it's hard to blame my boss for wanting to keep his business and the rest of us employed. It's a tough situation. If one of us goes to the doctor and gets a diagnosis of Hemophilia then the whole company will not be able to ever get health care again. He fought with United Healthcare for at least two months, has been one the phone negotiating with other companies all week, and has claimed he will cover any care that we need out of his own pocket. Gotta look higher than the little guy on this one ... after all, he may be paying for the echo cardiogram I got yesterday and the Holter monitor I have to wear for the next month.

Avoiding Bed

so i get ready for bed ... i get my toofers all flossed and clean then head off to bed ... then turn around and redirect elsewhere ... i don't know if i don't want to have to wake up to another day or just don't want to lose another day ... next thing i know is that i'm hungry for double-dark milanos with milk but already spent time on the teeth ... every night ... got my holter monitor today ... don't know if that will get paid for or if they'll cancel it mid-way due to lack of insurance ... yeah, i have something to post about that but still can't quite grasp the insanity of it ...

No Healing In Health Care

So ... I've blogged quite a bit about health care woes as the past couple of years have been filled with me being sick with one thing or another. I took a new job to get more pay and less stress in the hopes that would help my health.

Since I've been at the job, I've received multiple e-mails requesting that employees not make any medical appointments due to United Healthcare refusing to deliver on their quotes. As I awaited coverage, my blood pressure continued to rise, then my kidneys started bleeding, and I was forced to go to the doctor who ordered more tests, most of which, I had to delay. Yesterday, I was finally able to schedule my echo cardiogram and heart monitor setup to make sure I'm not going to go into cardiac arrest and then today I receive this e-mail:

Team – we’ve had a new development in the ongoing Health Insurance saga. We finally received the paperwork from UHC to start our new group policy, but the rates were 207% higher than what we were originally quoted. The 207% increase reflects the most that the State of Missouri allows a carrier to charge over their “retail” rate. The increase was due to our overall health rating and past medical history. We are taking steps to address the situation and hope to have a solution soon. Again, while we go through this process, please attempt to delay any medical visits you can.

With all the stress, I burst into tears and came home. I have no good response at this time.

Update From the Frontlines

Still breathing here despite the thickness of the soiled and sour air. I allow myself to remain under merciless control of the ruthless forces of illness, relationships, and work. Pleading, I tell myself to just stop it all -- GET A GRIP AND MAKE IT STOP.

Intellectually I know that I can just get the divorce, NOT cave to the pressures of work, and live outside in the world of good health instead of raising my blood pressure behind a computer.

So why don't I? What will it take? A heart-attack, stroke, renal failure? I've got to get control ... maybe make small steps and then take them. After all, what do I have to lose? End up living on the street? Tonight I took my first blood pressure pill. Yesterday I did a 24-hour-urine collection to analyze my kidney functions and then started antibiotics for about the fifth time in the past year of such unknown infections and next week I start wearing a heart monitor.

Yep, something is knocking at my door but I don't seem to know how to turn the knob.