I Was Drowning, Not Waving

After another series of critical Holter readings, I finally made my inevitable trip to the ER. As I laid alone in the little white room, I realized that I genuinely hoped that they would come back with some formidable news of my pending departure from this world so that I would never have to go back to life as I have known it. I had suspected this before about myself -- that perhaps I harbored a secret death wish -- but had assumed it was just part of my brooding melancholic personality.

But then the doctor came back and began to explain that all my organs are structurally fine and that no damage has been done so I bit back my tears in pretend relief.

Making the situation worse, he went on to tell me that the whole situation can be remedied with a simple beta-blocker. This made no sense to me as pills have not really helped me before. After all, there has to be a logical reason as to why my heart rate increases by 50 bpm by my just standing up. He claimed that the best thing for this situation is to just treat the symptoms. I didn't bother to explain to him that my heart was actually overcompensating for some other problem and that the real solution rests in discovering the problem and fixing it. I can only assume that if my heart is no longer able to compensate for the mysterious malady then something else is going to come to haunt me later and I will continue to suffer. However, it was clear that he was ready to dismiss me as a hysteric so he could go about his day.

I was reminded of the Merideth character in Grey's Anatomy. Meredith was doing rounds at the local hospital when the announcement came that a ferry had crashed and all medical personnel were needed. She rushed to the site and dove into the water to save a girl. In the process, she became entangled or something and began to drown. Despite the fact that she was an excellent swimmer, she did not even try to rescue herself but let the water engulf her lungs as she sank to the bottom. Of course, she is a main character in the show and someone drug her out ... but the point is that she didn't even struggle and that is how I felt lying in the ER bed. If there were an ocean that I could have jumped into at that moment then I would have let myself drown.