Nocturnal Chatterings #23

--ever since the dr. emphasized that i get plenty of protein before anything, my diet has mostly consumed of protein shakes and trail mix. at first i did not realize i was doing it but when i did then i was glad -- the anorexic-type-glad -- so; then i was not glad.

++old habit. Got to find something else to eat in addition to.

--i have not been doing the exercise program and am still an insomniac. i do not want to take more pills. i do not want to mix them all and have a heart attack because if that happens then i will live and then suffer.

--i went to the park to walk but there were people there so i had to strategically place my walking path to avoid them. a man by the tennis courts was staring me in the eyes and i became afraid. i am afraid of people.

++that seems to come and go.

--While walking at the other park I found a worn path that seemed to lead down to a rocky stream. I heard people down there laughing and realized that a residential area was on the other side. I became afraid and walked away. There was a dog barking and growling somewhere and I could hear it so clearly and it seemed loud enough to be right next to me. I started thinking about how friends and families gather and how I can’t remember the last time I had dinner at a family table. I then passed a lady who was walking in the opposite direction and I became afraid and stared at the ground.

++it will pass

--when the one lady was approaching, i noticed i was walking on the side of the path instead of the middle but i do not know where on the path i was placed before she appeared. if i usually walk on the side then does that mean that i am allowing room fomr someone else to walk with me?

--when i got home i went to the bathroom and saw that the toilet needed cleaning so i cleaned it.

++that was fast action for you.

--but then i looked at the new found milia growing on my face and then at my whole dry face, and then at my jagged fingernails. i have not been doing much in the way of personal grooming. i immediately went to the drug store to get some items to assist with this but i got lost.

++but then you located the destination

--by the time i got back home in the bathroom i saw that marking on the tile that reminds me of blood. i do not know how it got there or how long it has been there.

--many times today i have not understood what i was doing. in a fog, in a fog, in a fog.

--i sat down to locate a particular dvd but then got distracted by alphabetizing the dvds but even then got distracted when i went to search for some extra dvd's in another box but then i started organizing that box and forgot want i was supposed to be doing and now i have a mess of boxes and dvds to clean up.

++typical.

Lord, Forgive Me For I Have Lived

I pick at my nails, chew on my lip, and clench my fists to safety when someone mentions the need to "be saved by the Lord Jesus." I fight it, it claws my stomach, I had swallowed it whole but now I want to bust it open and burn it down.

Perched in a pew at least three times a week the man in front screamed at my sinful nature -- declaring that only those who found Jesus in THIS building would NOT perish and THAT THIS was the ONLY straight and narrow path.

Consoling self, I try explaining that "self, these people are at an evolutionary level where they need to believe in the things that they do; after all, Jesus had to speak in parables to help them in their understanding" or "self, churches are so fundamental to society -- where would people go for food, shelter, and other support?" But self wants to accept and be accepted - not condemned like Jesus himself. Self ends up gnashing teeth -- ready to wail at even those Christians who are truly kind-hearted and very not worthy of such disrespect.

Self is angry - needs sleep - self needs to get through the rage. Otherwise, self is no better and like those rigid fundamentalists it abhors.

It's What They've Waited For

+ so she's leaving.

- i know.

+ it's not really leaving so you don't have to worry. you were abandoned by your mother, this is different.

- i don't know. i think that somewhere deep inside where i can't quite reach, it feels the same.

+ that would make sense.

- i want to start a war. a real war

+ against whom?

- you know whom. i want to go down there and start throwing grenades but it would all go too fast. not a real war, just a felony or something.

+ perhaps you need a different type of war to start.

- would it help me get out of the war i'm in? a war to end a war? i don't know if that makes sense.

+ well, think on it then.

- i'm tired of insomnia. i don't know how i'll be able to keep my job now that insomnia dominates again.

"Hey Gloria are you standing close to the edge

Look out to the setting sun

The brink of your vision

Say your prayers and light a fire

Were going to start a war

Your slogans a gun for hire

It’s what we waited for"

Hey Gloria,

this is why were on the edge

The fight of our lives been drawn to this undying love.

¡VIVA LA GLORIA! (LIVE)

Real Pedals

...so, after my failure yesterday to attend the support group I decided to take a risk and go out on a ledge by dragging out my old bicycle (the type with real pedals that you push with your legs) from college. It took two months for me to put new tires on so I was afraid it would not be ready until winter. Worried about a fall or a tire falling off, I went out in the dark. I had promised myself that if something went wrong with the bike then I would pitch it to the side of the road and run back home. ...ok, walk back home.

Anyway, I successfully made it completely around the block. Surely I must be on the road to cardiovascular health since even my legs were burning, right? To push myself even further, I had some trail mix and water and THEN while taking a shower I used my big toe to rub out a small rust mark on the bathtub near the drain. I had been staring at it for a month but did not know what to do with it. Have to take the accomplishments where I can get them.

False Start

Again, I tried to attend the trauma support group. Again, I only made it to the parking area. My stomach had started cramping up a couple of hours before so that by the time I got there I was a mess. I only saw one car there and one woman walking into the building so I also feared it would just be the two of us (I hadn't planned on saying much) so ... I left. Just thinking of what I would say made me cry.

I cursed myself the entire trip home. Have I made no progress all these past years? No wonder my therapist is calling it quits. No reason to stick around here.

Loss

For the past couple of weeks, I have been again been plagued by insomnia, depression, and crying. I look around at people going about their days and feel as if they are in a different world. I cry and wonder how much more is there for me to lose.

Within the past six months I have lost:

1. My marriage
2. My home
3. My extended family
4. My health
5. My job
6. My laughter

Within my lifetime I have lost:

1. My parents
2. My sisters
3. My child
4. My childhood
   
5. My self

Within the next six months I will lose the lifeline that has helped me to cope with all of this. I'd like to say I've learned my lessons well and can cope on my own but I have doubts.

There is a support group that meets tomorrow for trauma survivors but I've never been able to get out of the parking lot and through the door. I should go to at least find out if there is anyone to relate to. I feel like a liar, a secret, a fake everyday going through life isolated with people who have no clue. ... but I don't know if I have the courage ... or the strength...

Does the pain weigh out the pride?

And you look for a place to hide?

Did someone break your heart inside?

You're in ruins...

When you're at the end of the road

And you lost all sense of control

And your thoughts have taken their toll

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass

And the hangover doesn't pass

Nothing's ever built to last

You're in ruins

Did you try to live on your own

When you burned down the house and home?

Did you stand too close to the fire?

Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die

And you can't get another try

Something inside this heart has died

You're in ruins

When Projection Is All I Can Manage

I can't sleep again tonight and have no reason to give. The horrors that have happened to me periodically crash through my being and I am reminded that no one knows. Sometimes I think I should tell someone but most times I do not. Instead, I project myself onto someone other's story, song, fad, whatever. Sometimes I wonder if my time will come.



Born into Nixon, I was raised in hell.
A welfare child where the teamsters dwell.
The last one born, the first one to run.
My town was blind from the refinery sun.


My generation is zero.
I never made it as a working class hero.


I was made of poison and blood.
Condemnation is what I understood.
Videogames of the tower's fall
Homeland security could kill us all.


I swallowed my pride
and I choked on my faith
I've given my heart and my soul
I've broken my fingers
and lied through my teeth
the pillar of damage control
I've been to the edge
and I've thrown the bouquet
of flowers left over the grave
I sat in the waiting room
wasting my time
and waiting for judgment day


21st century breakdown.
I once was lost but never was found.
I think I'm losing what's left of my mind
To the 20th century deadline.

dream, American dream.

I can't even sleep.

from the light's early dawn

scream, American scream!

BELIEVE what you see

from heroes and cons.

Drenched

He won't give me my belongings. There is a court order that he signed reading that he would give me my belongings. It's been months now. Tomorrow is the most recent promised date that he would bring them but now he will not. As always, he has disappeared into nowhere. He will not allow me to come and get them.


I can't even get my car in my own name as ordered. One month he has lost the car title then the next month he has it only to not give it to me anyway. It seems that everywhere I turn there is a roadblock with his name on it. He told me all I have to do to get my name removed from the checking account is to go to the bank but I get there to find out it is not true all the while I have to deal with rogue bills that go to that account and come back haunting me even more.


All these things hit me at night when I am the most vulnerable. The stress of it ties tight knots into my neck causing my jaws to pound and my head to ache. Another week has started with me feeling overwhelmed and out of control of the least little thing. I know I need to get a grip -- an attitude change -- but haven't been able to make it happen. I'm so tired.

In a few hours, I'll have to start another work week with this. Earlier I was wondering if I should start a war instead of fighting one.

My Photo There

Do you know the enemy?
Do you know YOUR enemy?
Gotta know the enemy, right here!

Silence is the enemy
Against your urgency
So rally up the demons of your soul

Insurgency will rise
When the blood's been sacificed
Don't be blinded by the lies in your eyes

Overthrow the effigy
The vast majority
Burning down the foreman of control

What ails you is what impales you
I'm a victim of my symptom
I am my own worst enemy.
You are your own worst enemy.
Know your enemy.

A Much-Needed 21st Century Breakdown

Whether or not Green Day could come out with a better album than American Idiot was not questionable to me -- it was simply NOT impossible. Turns out, I was right AND wrong.


After almost five years in the making, the latest Green Day album, 21st Century Breakdown, came out last month and immediately topped the charts. It is completely new yet along the lines of American Idiot and just as superior ... did that make sense?


I don't even buy hard copies of albums anymore but I supported the cause and was shelling out my duckets at Best Buy on the day of the release.


21st Century Breakdown continues the similar rock-opera format as that of American Idiot. Though the story is loose and open to interpretation, it evolves around two symbolic characters "Gloria" and "Christian." Divided up into three "acts", both characters evolve over time and are easily identifiable in the age we live in.


In their interview with Steve Baltin, Green Day members explained that "Gloria was intended to be a more inspired person while Christian was to be more self-destructive ... both characters are easy to relate to ... There are some times when you feel very connected to your ideology and beliefs and then there are other times that they are so questioned that you fall into a self-destructive attitude ... overall, the record is about finding the truth for yourself."


I'm sure I'll be blogging more about this album as much as I did with Bullet in a Bible. It seems to reach every emotion and has touched me as deeply as did the last. I think anyone could listen to it, interpret it differently, yet be moved in the same way. Thanks to Green Day for something else to hold on to.

Let the Pillar of Damage Control Burn

"Whup whup-whup-whup ... Whup whup-whup-whup ... Whup whup-whup-whup ... Whup whup-whup-whup ..."

... this is the sound the toilet has been making for the past few days when I shower ... or maybe the whole week ... i lose track ...

I know that i should phone the land-lady about it, especially since i've been having to manually drain the washer to keep it from flooding over the drain in the floor ... and especially now that a pool of water began to rise in the bathtub as i showered.

It seems that i just can't bear to speak to people lately. Struggle all day to be something that I am not only to come home and hide in bottles of Negra Dos Equis, Heineken, and the latest Green Day album. Sometimes all i can do is watch it burn and wait to see which way the wind takes it ... or not.

Myopia

Near the end of my second week at the new job, I might finally be winding down from the stress of the change. By noon on the first day alone, my neck was as stiff as steel and everything went downhill from there as I crashed into a black depression. I was not expecting such an intense reaction. There are multiple factors at play but the most important one was the loss of laughter. Despite all the turmoil at my last job, I genuinely laughed for the first time in three years and had not laughed so much since college - seventeen years ago. People make a difference. I hope I don't have to wait another seventeen years.

This Silence Is Our Enemy

Countless people have told me to move on and leave the trauma behind. I tell myself that they just don't know any better -- just some here, some there. I feel ashamed as if I have failed somehow ... as if I am being difficult and masochistic. Most days I get up, go to a job, come home, pay my bills, and do those normal things when there was a time when I could do none of those things. No one knows though that.

Soldiers come home from war and can no longer relate to those around them so they turn to each other for support. I've met other survivors but no one that I could ever relate to and certainly no place to go home to. No one knows.

Move on? I'm so terrified to go to sleep at night that I either have to drink pills or stay up all night shooting XBOX pixels. Otherwise, like last night, I lose my breath and choke on the bile that rises from somewhere at the bottom of my throat. Sometimes, a wailing sound comes from a place buried away outside my realm of consciousness. How can I move on? This is just part of my night life alone.

I am your peer. I look average. I am average height and average build. I might wear khakis and a polo shirt or Levis with a nice blouse or t-shirt. I share the coffee machine with you. I complain about the morning commute with you. I picked up the cereal that fell from your shopping cart or helped you with your computer problem. You might know I have issues but, really, you DO NOT know.

I DO know and I don't think you would believe me if I told you anyway. There are no support groups for me. Most people with my history are shooting up, on the streets, institutionalized, are memory-less, or dead. So do not judge people so easily, whether they seem odd or do not seem odd, because you just don't know.

I'll save the rest for later.