Loss

For the past couple of weeks, I have been again been plagued by insomnia, depression, and crying. I look around at people going about their days and feel as if they are in a different world. I cry and wonder how much more is there for me to lose.

Within the past six months I have lost:

1. My marriage
2. My home
3. My extended family
4. My health
5. My job
6. My laughter

Within my lifetime I have lost:

1. My parents
2. My sisters
3. My child
4. My childhood
   
5. My self

Within the next six months I will lose the lifeline that has helped me to cope with all of this. I'd like to say I've learned my lessons well and can cope on my own but I have doubts.

There is a support group that meets tomorrow for trauma survivors but I've never been able to get out of the parking lot and through the door. I should go to at least find out if there is anyone to relate to. I feel like a liar, a secret, a fake everyday going through life isolated with people who have no clue. ... but I don't know if I have the courage ... or the strength...

Does the pain weigh out the pride?

And you look for a place to hide?

Did someone break your heart inside?

You're in ruins...

When you're at the end of the road

And you lost all sense of control

And your thoughts have taken their toll

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass

And the hangover doesn't pass

Nothing's ever built to last

You're in ruins

Did you try to live on your own

When you burned down the house and home?

Did you stand too close to the fire?

Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die

And you can't get another try

Something inside this heart has died

You're in ruins