Typical VI: The System

me: I'm at a stopping point in my workflow. Is there anything else I should be working on? I ran a report that lists all the update requests on my software.

mgr: you can't do those because they haven't been approved and budgeted for yet. work on the 346 project.

me: I finished that already.

mgr: work on it some more.

me: How do I bill for that? Wouldn't that be overbudget?

mgr: yes, but it is approved.

Typical V: Vasoline

mgr: will you enter these request items into the system?

me: that will take about 4 hours.

mgr: yes...

me: how do i bill that?

mgr: bill it to the accounting dept

me: these projects aren't from the accounting department.

mgr: yes, but we like to "round out" the billing so all is equal.

me: (you are paying me the salary of a mid-level software developer and making me do secretarial work...usually i might revel in this but somehow i suspect i'm being scr*wed in the *ss so i don't particularly care for it .. plus my skills are softening ... i may as well bend over and get some Vaseline)

me: ...ok... do you have any Vaseline?

mgr: yes, actually, i do have some at my desk. ....why?

me: dry lips.

mgr: oh, ok ... you're WELCOME to it.

me: thanks, i figured ...

But For A Tube of Toothpaste

You're not going to freaking believe this: someone was nice to me.

I've been really out of it lately - more than usual. So in one month I got a speeding ticket, a parking ticket then one day I had two parking accidents - one involving another person.

I felt horrible about hitting the parked car and had no idea whose it was. I ended up phoning the police to so that I didn't get caught in some hit-and-run situation then left a note on the car.

Honestly, I thought the lady was going to take me to the cleaners for that mess of scratches and was fully prepared for such so it was quite a surprised when she phoned me and told me that I owed her a tube of toothpaste. She explained that she was able to buff out most of the scratches with toothpaste so I need to get her some Aquafresh whitening toothpaste. To make it even more bizarre, she ended up thanking ME for my honesty and decency.

I'm going to get her more than a tube of toothpaste for HER kindness. She has given me a very very touching present and I am thankful.

Typical IV: What The ...?

mgr (passing in the hall): hey, girl! how ya doin' today?!

me (startled and watching her pass): um ... ok ... thanks ...

(later in day)

mgr: i need this break fixed asap. every one's tired of getting 400 + error e-mails a day.

me: ... earlier when i pointed it out you said to let it pass and not fix it ...

mgr: fix it asap

me: ok

(couple hours later)

me: the code is fixed, tested, documented, and ready to promote to production.

mgr: why?

me: pardon?

mgr: why does it work now? how do you know how it broke?

me: ... .... .... well, what happened is you requested that we remove component "A5" and all of it's references but you were not aware that the DLL component "Z12" was even being used more less calling component "A5" which you had me remove -- so, of course, when "Z12" tried to call "A5" the software errored out.

mgr: great. prove it to me then you can promote it.

me: pardon?

mgr: give me detailed documentation and proof of what happened.

me: ..... ok. (g*d*mn-geometry-teacher-gestapo-wanna-be-piece-of....)

(post-5pm)

co-worker: hurry, aren't you coming to happy hour?!!

me: i gave the proof of the "A5" error resolution to (mgr) and she said to promote it immediately so i have been waiting for the promotion to go through.

co-worker: she just left for happy hour ... see you there!

me: ....

me: ....

me: (wait ... mgr just left ... did she give approval to the database team for the promotion? .... hmmm.... (looking up promotion status) ... holy crap! she did not! she is gone and did not even give approval after the whole g*d*mn piece of *s386$*@! )

Note: I work for one of the top 10 IT shops in the United States.

Typical III: The Release of v1.6 - Part 2

mgr: about that bug you stayed late last night trying to fix ... we figured out that it is not a bug but was purposely designed that way.

me: so it wasn't my fault? ...that's good. why was the software designed that way?

mgr: we don't know. research that and let me know ok?

me: sure...

mgr: ...oh, yeah, and about those extra hours you put in last night? make sure you leave early so that we don't have to pay you over-time.

me: ...

Typical II: The Release of v1.6

me: the release today cause two problems and one could cause allot of issues

mgr: ?

me: the functionality locked message is occuring when a user clicks on the maintenance add button.

mgr: i thought that was fixed

me: (uh-oh, here we go again.) no, the lead decided it was a data issue that would go away upon deployment to production

mgr: well, have you fixed it yet?

me: (f*ck) no, there is a work-around but it is too risky. i do not believe it is a data issue.

mgr: well, then get someone else's opinion.

me: (would you just fire me already?) the database admin agrees that it is too risky.

mgr: well what caused this to happen?

me: (is this a test or does she need medicine?) i'm not sure but it seems to be traced to the removal of the caustic.aspx component.

mgr: that wasn't in the change package. the customer did not authorize that. why did you do it?

me: (f*ck, the lead screwed me again) the lead decided it could be rolled up under another change package and you concurred.

mgr: well, YOUR release may have to be TOTALLY rolled back and that's NOT going to look good. fix it.

mixtures

Supposedly there are people in my live who care about me. I think there was a time in my younger life when I tried to suck that dry - get as much care as possible so that it would "fix me" ... to make up for something I could not identify.

My strategies did not work, of course. I've been told many times that you must care about yourself before you can truly care for others or receive care for others. That is a lesson that can only be learned if you experience it yourself. I learned that lesson quite some time ago and I can officially say that it really doesn't seem to matter a d*mn with me.

Bad Rhythm

You've been unreachable -

So close but cannot be touched

I feel pain and move away

Avoiding the approach of aloneness,

You melt my thaw to bring me near

Foolishly, I sense hope

But then you float again amiss

And the drain draws me further down

Text By The Pool

Top Five Books That I Can Remember Reading In 2007:

5. Women's Murder Club Series - James Patterson

4. Big Stone Gap Series - Adriana Trigiani
3. The Glass Castle: A Memoir - Jeannette Walls

2. Odd Thomas Series - Dean Koontz
1. The Kite Runner - Hussein Khalani

Typical

manager: did you ever locate the Payroll-Group-Code in the PCHR database for the HYPS1 application?

me: i sent you an e-mail with some sample data for your confirmation.

manager: you mean the e-mail dated 11/9/07?

me: well...i'd have to look to know which exact dated e-mail it was ... hold on ... no, not that one. i sent this one yesterday with no response regarding that either.

manager: no, that's wrong, we need real data for the client.

me: that was real data from the actual table.

manager: i know but it is not the right data.

me: can you give me a sample of what you are looking for exactly?

manager: we just need to know if the code is being used by the app. give us the connection string and sample data.

me: i gave you the connection string.

manager: no, that had the database name in it.

me: yes.

manager: ...

me: ... can you give me a sample of what you are looking for exactly?

manager: it will be like our code - Y372 - but that code will not be in there to look for so I can't tell you.

me: so no one knows what this code is that i'm looking for.

manager: i need you to locate the Payroll-Group-Code in the PCHR database for the HYPS1 application.

me: okay, i'll look again.

That is a Fake Elephant

I haven't blogged much lately. With summer coming to an end, I have been more involved with the Ninja ... spending as much time with the little guy as I can. Becoming involved in local biking groups has pulled me in deeper. There is allot of empowerment riding in a group and, well, that is a rare but highly-craved and covetted experience for me.

With winter and the holidays nearing, I worry that I will not survive. I had hoped I would spend some of the holidays with my sister but she ... well ... has other understandable priorities. I've decided not to go to the in-laws being that they have no idea what is going on with my marriage and the tension would be even more unbearable. My spouse refuses to speak about it and just pretends that all is well ... as if we have NOT been living apart for almost ten months. I hate fake but envy those who can pull it off so well.

Oily

Spillage


Oil is expensive because we keep spilling it into the damn ocean. Can you not transport the damn gold?

Where?

- Hey, where the hell did I go? In fact, where the hell am I?

+ You know, it's another one of THOSE nights.

- S***. Where have I been? Will I ever get back?

+ Do you want to go back?

- Not really, but I don't like it here either.

- You know, everyone says to live in the present but how is that possible? In reality the present is an infinity of a millisecond, gone before it has even come. The future is unknown so no wonder we're stuck in the g*9D3qmn past - that's all there is and that is lousy.

Haunted in October

It was a dark cold night when she ran through the woods to escape as the dead leaves cried out and betrayed her. She hoped the darkness would work for her tonight instead of against her but when she heard the noise her hopes were chased away as she leaped up to engage another chase. Her legs could beat any other of comparable size but the arm that grabbed her was too large and muscular and there was simply no contest. Despite the desperate flailing of her arms and legs as well as the creative squirming that small people do, she was hauled away by the large arm into a hole from which she would never really escape.

Désolé, Non Ménage à Trois

Last Friday was a crisp Autumn evening and I had been looking forward to it because I had Foosball and pool plans with some people. Usually, I like to be a geek this time of year and turn Friday's into "fright-night" Friday's by watching scary movies but being in the apartment alone so much lately got me squirming. Unfortunately, the group dispersed early and I knew some other buddies of mine were down the road at my favorite pub so I drove over.

A dark-haired girl with double-d breasts greeted me as if she knew me and her boyfriend took my jacket and threw it over a stool. I told them that I was looking for someone else but they began to buy me drinks and explain that they were celebrating their divorce finalization that day. They had been married for six-months.

Later, when a buddy found me at the bar a conversation began about how to tell if a marriage is valid. Apparently, the couple was questioning the validity of their "Vegas marriage" to began with. Suspecting that this was going to get even more interesting, I stayed for the free beer but then the dark girl began to come onto me. At first she stated that she had paid for her boob-job, then that the guy had paid for it, then that she had. I won't go into the details but when it became apparent that I wasn't going to cave to her interludes, she and the guy moved on the a younger bar-maid who had just gotten off work.

Again, they began to buy her beer to celebrate their divorce. When the barmaid asked them how long they had been married they then claimed that they had been married six years (as opposed to six months). By then, I had identified it as a swinger scam, secretly informed the bar-maid, and directed one of my buddies to go play a video game with the bar-maid and she happily went along to escape the scam. I continued to drink the free beer and keep an eye on them.

Eventually, they argued and took off together. Next Friday, I'm going back to the fake "fright-night" Friday's at home.

my psychopathology

Somewhere within this past week or so I watched the whole first season of Dexter. It was bound to have an effect on me. I'm so impressionable ... STILL. So anyway, I was sitting at a four-way stop this evening went when it was my turn. An elderly lady in an SUV went as well and I had to brake in the middle of the intersection -- she never even saw me. I wasn't enraged at her or anything but definitely was annoyed so I followed her steadily for some time flashing my brights. Sometimes, I would just leave them on so that she would have to suffer from the glare. Eventually, I let her go about her way but I took a small, sick, and calming pleasure from it. She probably never even noticed me.

Last week was a hard week anyway.

Craving The Noise of a Bug-Zapper

With only two days in a court room, Devlin has been sentenced to twenty life sentences. He has one more day of court to go. It's still not enough ... I suppose it is not possible for anything to be enough to make up for his atrocities. Even though others say it is more justice to keep him alive and let him suffer the horrors of a pedophile in prison than to put him to death, I'd still rather see him dead. Many would disagree but I view child sexual abuse as equivalent to murder and what this guy did is even worse.

Chase & Run

Running. Panting. Soil in toes. No time to turn around and look. She leaps through the brush ripping her gray dime-store Hanes t-shirt and rolls down the unexpected slope into a mass of a burr-bush. It's time she turn around to fight but reality rips her back into the brush and prickles of blood spot her tee. She begins to dig again, looking for a hide, a way out, only to find cold autumn soil.

Response to the Shield

Dear Shield,

In the past 12 - 18 months i have:

1 farted - so i probably have colon cancer
2 sneezed - this could mean that i have the bird flu
3 had headaches - brain tumor
4 tripped and fell - seizure disorder
5 laughed - schizophrenia
6 tried a schlafly pumpkin spice seasonal brew - alcoholism
7 ingrown toenail - leprosy
8 found hair in comb - radiation exposure of an unknown origin
9 unusual hair on leg - evolutionary morphing
10 sunburn - carcinoma melanoma
11 earache - roach infestation
12 bruise on left thigh - nutritional metabolic disorder
13 sore throat - lymphoma
14 menstrual cramps - toxic shock syndrome
15 took cat to vet - Munchhausen's by proxy
16 excessive profanity - Tourette's Disorder
17 cough - see # 11.
18 shortness of breath after tennis - Congestive Heart Failure
19 fatigue - Lyme disease or lupus
20 stubbed toe - multiple sclerosis

21 thoughts that my HMO would cover illness or injury since I go to work every day and pay them money - DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

Sincerely,
Your Valued Member

We Bear the Cross, The Rich Bear the Shield

Letter from BlueCross BlueShield regarding my change in my employment group:

Dear Valued Member,

Your health care benefits plan includes a preexisting condition exclusion. This means that if you have a medical condition before coming to our plan, you might have to wait a certain period of time before the plan will provide coverage for that condition. This exclusion applies to conditions for which medical advice, diagnosis, care or treatment was recommended or received within the look-back period prior to your enrollment under this plan. Generally, this look-back period ends the day before your coverage becomes affective. However, if you were in a waiting period for coverage, this look-back period ends on the day before the waiting period begins ...

The look back period for this group cannot exceed 6 months.

The exclusion period may last up to 12 months (18 months if you are a late enrollee) from your effective date of coverage, or, if you were in a waiting period, from the first day of your waiting period ...

With three college degrees, the only sense I can make of this letter is that I'm being screwed.